Friends:  In previous blogs, I have always talked about, how I feel like I was never really “Liked.” I also find myself that I talk about it A Lot! Well, I am going to control myself from saying that, because it does not matter now, that was years ago, and if people do not like me, than they are not worth my time. I have been constantly told by people that I am one of the sweetest people that they have met.  Whether if they have met me once or those who have known me for 21 years (childhood friends). I once told a friend years ago, that friends come, and go, that’s life. It is not something that we can control. We either grow up or grow apart because Life wants to take us to where we feel that we need to go. I know who my true friends are now, I also know that new friends will come into my life, which has taught me a few things, is to not always believe what someone says to you, and to not trust them right away. But it has taught me to at least give them a chance, at arm’s length. If they cannot accept the fact that I am sometimes loud, maybe a little reserved, or just being my weird self, then it is fine by me, for I like that I am a little(a lot) quirky. I feel that not many know who I truly am, because I am constantly changing. I actually like change, even though it scares me like no other. But if it is for the right reason, Bring on the Change! I know who my true friends, because true friends do not stab one another in the back. Friends actually listen to you, not ignore you. This past year about “Friends” has taught me a lot. It does not matter whether if you have 1 close friend to 10+ close friends. What does matter is that you know who you are, what you stand for as a person. And if your so called “true friends” cannot accept you the way you are, how you act, what you do, how you live your life, than they are not your friends to begin with. If they tell you how to act or if you are just following along with what they are doing, and you are not satisfied. Than it is time to stop. For if you are not happy with yourself, the situation, and the people you are hanging with, well than it is time to look elsewhere. Whether if it be at a new job, going to school, or even moving back home to get your life back on track, you have to do what you feel is right and comfortable for yourself. Last but certainly not least: You Do Not change for anyone, You Change for yourself! This includes Friends, Family, and Partners. Yet, when you are a Unit (2 people in a relationship). You change together, keep the communication open, are honest with one another, trust each other, and Love each other.  If you cannot have one of those in a relationship, I firmly believe that the relationship will not work out.

Goals:  I have many. There I said it, some call me crazy, for I have so many. Many of them are also dreams. I dream of to be a Mother, a Wife, one day a Grandmother, a Career Woman, a Friend to my future Kids, a Loving Stable Home Life for my future Children. Are some of those too much to ask? But my Goals for right now are to get back on track on this train aka “The Journey” of life, of Health, and Fitness. To start believing in myself again, that I really can do this. I can become Healthy again, and to start my Journey of going to School for Graphic Communications/Graphic Design with an Emphasis/Minor in Production. I have always felt that I am never smart enough. But I have realized something about myself, when I dream about it, and put it out in the world, wish for it, pray for it, and start believing in myself more. Then I know I can do anything, along with the support of Family, and Friends. I do not set New Year’s Resolutions, I set Goals for myself. If I do not make the Goal, well I am going to keep on trying, because that is what I have always done in life, and it has helped me this far, and it for sure has made me stronger. This past year, I found my true strength in life I knew how it was/is to struggle each month. But with the support of my Mom, and my friends listening to me, I got through it, and I came out on top better than I have been in a long time. Another Goal of mine for this year is to get out of debt. The only debt I planned to have this year is by going school, to further my education, in hopes that it brings me where I need to be: A Career Woman – A Dream Goal.

As for 2012, I hope you are nice to me this year. I have been told by a few people that this is my year, and I am going to personally show you that. Watch me, for I am not giving up anytime soon. I cannot afford to give up for what I have already worked so hard for.

My question for all of you, what do you think of me starting a personal Video Blog every day, and posting it to YouTube, about my weight loss? To me it would be like a Video Diary that I can look back on at the end of each month or a year from now. Let me know.

This ends the blog, I have been reading past blogs that I have written, and I really truly can tell, that I have already come along way. If your heart desires, read till your heart is content.

~Lesha “McGee” “Peaches”

Please listen below of my New Favorite song. Definitely my Anthem for 2012!

“Arms” by Christina Perri

~Lesha

I know that it has been a while since I have posted anything. Kind of want to give you an update on what has been going on. Currently(well not at this moment) I have been working out with my Chiropractor, today we had touched base on my range of motion which I am guessing is average for someone like me who rarely stretches, and exercises as of late. I am the first to tell you, that I have been slacking, I have ‘fallen off the wagon,’ as some say. I guess I just need to get ‘back on the horse,’ so to speak. I am writing this blog, because I am begging for some Motivation, and Encouragement. When I first started this Journey on Weight Loss, I thought I would be at the goal I set for myself by this time, and I am not. I am disappointed in myself. The past two years have been a struggle for me, and I lost that motivation due to stress; But Thank God, I have yet to Pity myself about it, and I do not want to because that is not who I am. I do not sit here and say, ‘Oh, poor me.’

Some of you also know that I have a YouTube account, and a shock to a few. I have not posted in two years on my YouTube account, but I am going to delete the videos, cause they just make me sick looking at them. I am going to Try(saying that strongly) to post one video blog once a week, no matter what it is. Whether it is me being profound, Ditzy, and boring or even weird.  I was going to have this blog on how my blog makes me so “Mysterious,” for the fact my blog is known as “Mysterious Writer,” and well I have been told by a someone actually famous person, (I will have to find the comment, that he replied to), that I am Mysterious. ;)  So, that will be my next “Blog & Vlog” to come, on “Mysterious” people actually think of me as. Is it okay to leave some things to the imagination? I will have to agree.

~Lesha

                Growing up, I would constantly hear “Gawd, Alesha you’re Stupid.” Maybe that was why I felt like I was stupid, and still feel like it sometimes, too. I was not a great student throughout all of school; I was average, D-C Student, sometimes with a few A’s, and B’s. Part of me feels like, I was not well liked in school, and to come to think of it. I know some did not like me, and I can name names. I do not understand why it is so hard to get to know someone, to treat them with the respect they deserve or treat them the way you want to be treated. Life is not perfect, far from it, everyone has their issues, and everyone is going to screw up. I feel that people are just waiting for me to quit at anything that I put my mind to, that I am not going to amount myself to anything. I think people see me as: weird, considerate, funny, stupid, passionate, loyal, and I am sure there are many more. But for once I want someone to look past my exterior, and to actually listen to me. I know when someone tunes me out, people constantly told me to be quiet, and some have said that they were not listening to me. Sometimes I can just ramble on, and I used to tell people, “If I get to be too much, and I am still talking and you want to talk, just tell me to be quiet, because I can get a head of myself sometime.” To which I still can.

                I am sure, that some of the people I went to High School with, can tell you stories, how I came to class every day with some sort of story from the water heater breaking down, or a dude I saw at work, and having most of the people surrounding me laughing; or I would sing in Civics class, and most would tune it out, others would laugh, and one would be really annoyed. That was school; I kind of knew where I stood in school. I was not popular, I did not go out to the parties not just because I was not invited, I think it was because they already knew that it was just not my type of thing, and also cause my mom would have said no, anyway.  I know that everyone knew who I was in school though; I did get along with almost just about everyone.

                As I am sitting here typing this, I just wonder why it feels as if everyone else is so far advanced in life with their careers, and a family, to which I have none. In my life I do not want to be define for what I do, but for whom I am, and who I wanted to be.  Just like a recent quote that I put on my white board recently, “What I want to do, is not who I want to be.” Does that make sense to anyone? When I look at the words, it makes me stop, and think.  It shows that currently right what I am doing now in my life, is not what I want to do, and I definitely know that it is not who I want to be. Which is a good thing, right? I believe that everyone has a path, some know that path way before others do.  I am not sure what my path will be, but I have got the feeling that it will be a great one, even though it is going to be a struggle. Yet, as some say, “Life is never easy. There is always going to be hardships in one’s life.”  I was told two friends the other day that I feel lost, and stuck. I know that when in life when you feel stuck, that means you are right where you need to be.  For me to break out of that hold, that chain that seems to be attached to me, that I need to make a jump into something else, and that is to move away from this place that does not feel like home. That does not feel like me, I want to feel like I belong, and I have never felt that every since I can remember, and that is sad. I think people should feel like they belong in some form when they are out, and about, family functions, holiday get-together’s, you name they should feel like they fit in, I should feel like I fit in. But I don’t, kind of sucks, if I say so myself.

                I am tired, frustrated, and stressed with life because of so many things going on right now, and constantly worrying about how I am going to make it, with where I live at now. I am tired of people taking advantage of me, and using me. I sometimes feel like I have a sign on my back that says, “Play with me, Use me, Kick Me, and Put me down.”  That is how it has always been, and I want things to change, and to do that is to move, by moving, I mean far from where I live now. I remember one point in my child hood, I was probably 11 yrs old, and I remember lying on the floor playing with a puppy that someone had brought over to visit. My mom, and the visitor were talking about a movie, I think it was “The Prodigal Child,” and I spoke up saying that I am going to be that child. I still feel that way, too.  My passion though is Writing, which does not make sense, because I am the worse person to actually complete a sentence, many happen to be run-ons, and sometimes what I read; I do not comprehend what I read right way, so I usually have to read it five times before I understand. 

       But, anyway, this whole blog is to show you that. I am just tired of how things in my life are going, and that I am sick of being in the Midwest. I feel there is nothing here for me besides that fact that I have friends and family here, but I also have friends in California, and Georgia; two of the places that I would love to live at.

~ Lesha

Okay, so I am upset – frustrated. I have a right to be. These past 2 years have just not been great, it is like each time I take that step to try to get anywhere something happens, and I have to watch where I go. I believe in Karma, and I have been told/believe in that this is my year, that God knows that I am struggling, have been for awhile, that he is going to help with that. When I said those few choice words, and prayed to him, that guy in the Mini-Van, started to push my car. I literally had tears in my eyes, because I feel I am sometimes not heard.  I am not saying, I am not heard by God himself, I know he always hears what I have to say.

I just want a break; I want to get away from the Dakotas. I need a vacation, I need to rethink, re-plan, and get back into that right frame of mind again, on getting healthy, on trying to be a better me, and to find something to define myself, just a bit little more.  I love writing, but each time I mention something that I want to do, it gets shot down, and people think I am nuts. It feels like there is know, “You can do this, Lesha!” Kind of feels like, whatever I put out there, sharing my hopes, and dreams. I get that seriously-you’ve-got-to-be-kidding look. Whatever I do it gets shot down, by some of the people that I care about. It feels like they do not believe in what I want to do.

I know life is not what we expect it to be, and that we should not expect much, that things in life are just not handed to us on a silver platter, and that we have to work hard for what we want. I believe not 1 outcome is ever the same, and that there is more than 1 way to get where you need to be. It is all about trial and error. Well I feel that this Trial & Error, I have used plenty of times, and it is not working. I am trying to stay sane, to not lose my cool, to not give up hope, and to just be. I am tired of just feeling stuck, and I am tired of the repetitiveness in my life. It is boring; there is no fun, and excitement.  

My Doctors, have no clue where my Migraines are coming from, but they happen for 2 days every month right around the time the bills are due. They are thinking it is stress, I am thinking they are right. They say Stress can cause so many health issues, like all the ones I have, mainly Thyroid, no weight loss, sleepless nights, Migraines, no motivation, and ect…

And so I hope, that this little pity party I just through myself, goes away fast. Basically, I am stating is that: I am Just Tired. Tired of all the BS. Tired of all the people that have used me, kicked me around like I am a rock, and it is getting old real quick. For once I would love for someone to just lift the weight off my shoulders, and carry it around for awhile, and have them feel what it is like to be for once. 

I know I do not have a hard life, and many would think my life is easy. But it is the words that I hear, that seemed to not be going anywhere, and that have always been there since I can remember.

Okay, so ending this blog, because well – I can, I want to, and just because I just got this off of my chest, because I feel when I speak it- No one listens, anyway.

Lesh

            I am not sure what 2011 will bring me, but I hope it brings me new insight to things in life, I hope 2011 can define just a little bit more of myself. I hope that whichever comes out about in this messed up situation that is currently going on, will get better, that things will turn around for the better.

            This year in 2010, I have constantly been told that I am sweet, nice, gorgeous, funny, and all around good person. My questions this year are possibly some of the most frequent ask questions about life or about one self, a few would be: ‘If I am such a nice person, why does it feel that I am being used?’ ‘Why does life always throw me curve balls?’ ‘Why do some think, that everything revolves around them?’ ‘When is it my turn . . . ?’

            Everyone has heard the saying, ‘Some of Life questions’ are the hardest life questions, and also the most unanswered questions.’  Or something along those lines, I feel that the life questions that we face, and ask ourselves every day or as often as we can. That there are many answers to those life questions and every single answer is different, because not every one’s life is the same.  

            Trust is one the big things that I have this year, people who I thought I could count on basically put into positions that I have never been in, and is the hardest to get out of. I have always wanted people in my life that I can trust, and the moment that I feel I can trust them, it back fires. I know there are about a handful of people I can trust, and for that I am grateful because without them, I have no clue on where I will be. Yet, I am Thankful for so much this year, even though it may not sound like it . . . I am.

            My goal for 2011, is to get back on track, to let life just lead, and to let things happen, even things that I have no control over, to become healthy again, to learn a new way of relieving stress, to be more in the moment with things, because before we know it we may get sideswiped and really lose track on what is most important.   I have always said, ‘that you have to choose to be happy,’ and I think I lost that a bit.  There is no reason, besides life just gets crazy, but for me that is a lame excuse. I am content currently in my life, with unwanted stress, that I wish would magically disappear.

            I have learned this year, not everything is going to go the way I expect or wish for them to go. I know there is a plan out there for me, and that plan I know will define a big part of who I am as a person. I have so many dreams, and hopes for the future. I plan on going to college, sometime in the fall of 2011 or beginning of 2012, I feel I need something to fall back on things. Now I just have to decide what I would like to do:  Account Management with a minor in Marketing,  Graphic Communications with a minor in Marketing & Advertising.

            So, as the end of my year of 2010…I hope 2011 will be a lot better, happier, and less stress as much as possible. But currently is not starting out that way. Cross your fingers, and pray for the best.

            As, a lady told me today, “this too shall pass.” I hope this lady has a very happy, who was told that she will not see the day of her 49th Birthday, and she just turned 49, 3 days ago, and they gave her another 2-3 years to live. I hope, and pray for the best for her. I hope she continues with the humor that she has in life.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Years!

~ Lesha

                I always wonder when it will be my time. When will that guy come in, and sweep me off my feet and when will my career begin? I will never know, but I hope it is soon.

                In a past blog, back in January of 2009, I wrote about a dream where there was a frog that had landed on my leg. Since that dream, I have come across many frogs, whether they were by the door to my apartment, my mom’s place, a park, or even a store; when something was majorly changing. In January of 2009, I met a few people that I know longer call friends, the moment I cut them out of my life, I found myself Happier, I found myself somewhat Less Stressed, and I found a frog on the top of my tire wheel, even though it was a toy, left by one of the apartment kids. When I moved in with my mom, there was a frog at her back door one night, and just recently this past week, there was a frog by the front door.  I have looked up frogs, and the meaning behind them. Many sites have explained that it is a Japanese, Good Luck charm when you see a frog, and when having a frog that faces the door, it is to bring happiness into your home.

                What ever has happened in life, I find myself struggling with a few things as I get older. I also find myself going back to when I was just a teen, and how I had felt, and how some of those feelings are still there. I continue to ask myself, “What the hell am I doing?” Why does something so little make me so upset, and why do I feel like people are not hearing a word that I am saying? These are just some constant questions that I have. Moving on is one of the hardest things that I have done, and have to do.

                Growing up, there was not much change but as I got older into my 20’s, I still have those constant wonders of:

Do people like me?

How do people know who I am?

Why do I walk in the mall, and where I get recognized for some strange reason from all sorts of people, I find them staring?

Why do totally strangers come up to me?

What am I famous for?

Why do people have to judge me just because of the way I look, and how I act? 

Why do I feel I am the dumbest person in all of the people I know, and in a crowd?

Why do I feel that people dislike me?

Why do I feel that I was not well liked in school?

I am sure many of you out there have had maybe similar questions. I see people around, and I see how their lives are, but I often wonder are their lives truly that happy. That I do not know everything is always different behind closed doors. I am growing up trying to find who I am as a person, and trying to remind myself that when I ask these questions about life changes, that I am right where I need to be.

Life is changing, and so far for the past couples days I have had this strange feeling come over me when I leave my current place, that I just recently moved into with a friend. Now every so often, I get feelings where something good is going to happen, and this is one of those feelings – kind of. I really do not know how to explain it, ever since I have seen that frog by my mom’s front door. I feel something is going to happen, I just do not know what, and it is driving me a little nuts. Since these feelings have started, this blog has appeared in my head, and it was telling me to write it, to just go for it.

So, here I am.  Where do I begin? Where do I start? Currently there is a detour in this ever changing life that I lead. Do I go right? Left? Because what I see straight ahead is just a never ending battle of questions that leads me back to my past. It is time to move on, so I think I will go right, because that is how I get out of my desk chair, If I go left, I walk into a wall – which is never a good thing. Basically I am going to start days off with just one foot in front of the other, and take one step at a time.

Yet, the saying is true, “Change is Inevitable.”

“Never is one thing in life, ever the same.” Alesha Hackett 9/4/10  – I should copyright that, Google is not pulling it up. :)

I have thought of writing this blog for a few days. What made me want to write this is someone that I know, someone that has left such a great impact on my life, someone that I feel is like a mentor, someone that I know that I can go to, and talk to, and get advice from them. She has seen my struggles, my ups and downs. I pray that I have a family like hers, and a husband that will love me dearly, such as her husband has for her. I strive for that. Many of you know how much I just want someone in my life, to love me, to listen to me, to call me on my shit, to just be there when I need them. Yet, I have to follow what my Grandpa has told me, “Alesha, in relationships Patience is a Virtue. Be Patient with the one that will come into your life.”  And, he is right, in all relationships you have to be patient, does not matter what relationship, yet most of all, you have to be patient with the one you want to spend your life with. I say this, because you cannot agree on everything in a relationship, but you have to be patient with each other, and listen to each other.

So, back to what I was saying about impressions. ‘Sometimes the first impression is usually the wrong impression.’ Do I have any of you scratching your head yet, from what I just stated? Let me try to explain. First impressions could always be the last impression, but it can also be the best impression. (I wonder how many times I can say impression in this blog, such a strange, yet dignified word) I dislike the first impression, cause than I always analyze the first impression, and judge (which I despise in myself, because I have been judged too many times), what I just saw, but sometimes my first impressions, are usually wrong, yet other times they are perfectly right on. I guess it comes from observing a crowd of people, when I feel out of my element, and when I just do not really know anyone. I always wonder when I am with a group of people, of how I look, how I act. I also question myself on how people thought of me. But it brings me back to what a teacher has told me. That what I think is not always what people think of me.

To know that I have people in my life that will look out for me, and care for me, and that I have left the impression on them, that I am sweet, caring, and that those same people want the best for me, as I want for myself, makes me smile, and maybe even tear up a bit. To have someone that I barely know, tell me last night, that even barely knowing much of my life, that he thinks I am a great person, and that he knows that I will find someone with what he has with his wife. I replied, “I hope so.” His reply, “I know so.”

I always feel that first impression people see of me is my looks. Maybe it’s the way I was raised, not sure on that, or it could be on how I was treated by a few of my peers, or maybe it is also those Teen Magazines, where the girls are tiny, and they look flawless but what we do not know there is a lot of photo shopping when it comes to magazines. When we look at Magazines, my first impressions are, ‘Damn, I wish I could …’

I have just now come to realize. Impressions can suck! Impressions is almost like judging, I cannot stand being judged, and when I feel like I am judging myself, I have to stop, because it is not me. It is like me going up to a person or even walking by the person or seeing an un-named face in the crowd, and I can see by their expression, and feeling their energy, or the body posture, of someone who looks bored or is happy. They are giving off the vibe that they are Happy or Sad, and it’s the first impression I have of them. But really, whatever is behind our eyes, and into our souls that hold all the secrets that we have been given, or know of about ourselves, is not something that we as people or that person across the way will show through. Everyone has their secrets, so is this why impressions have such a bad name?

So, my question for all of you who read this, when you first met me, what was your impression? Yes, I know I am putting myself out there, and all of you are wondering why? Well, it is because not everyone such as the like of myself and you, have the same impression of the same person that we may know.

The people I know that have left an impact on my life, Thank You! I appreciate that you have given me a little bit of your life to me, even if a few of you do not realize it. I know some do, but this Blog is a Thanks to you! I love keeping the people close to me, even if we maybe more acquaintances than anything else. Some of you I do not talk to often or see often, but you are always in my thoughts.

~ Lesha

Please watch the Video’s below Who do you think is better? The 11 year or the actual group The Script

“Live Forever”

It has been a hazy day, trying to survive that inner turmoil in me. My head feels as if it is just floating above, headache after headache. Not even looking at light is making it harder to see. My vision leaves me the moment I lay my head down, and call out for sleep.

In my somewhat insanely, peaceful dream, my life seems to be perfect. when in all reality it is far from it. Not one information can lead me to self-destruction. I wonder in this dream, thinking if any one has any real idea of how strong I am, and why they do not give me the information that I need to survive.  I see their mouths move, but I hear no words. Some look at me disgustedly, others look on with concern, and worry. I am standing in the middle, I swear that is some type of vortex that is spinning out of control, everyone is spinning. What’s happening? Then they Vanish. I’m alone – alone in that room, full and white. All I can do is turn around, yet still in that same spot. A lone figure I see all of a sudden, standing there – arms open. Do I walk? Who is he? I feel that he is radiating some type of energy towards me, almost like comfort. Is he my comfort in my conscience, all decked out in some deep rural blue, and black? Now that is strange ‘black,’ why black?

Something inside me pulls me toward him, yet as soon as I wrap my arms around him, he too vanishes. “How do I survive? How do I get out of here? Where can I go?” As soon as I asked that last question, the scenery surrounds me of mountain rocks, and clear blue sky. “Do I jump? Climb down? Sit? Slide down?” Than I am all of sudden I’m being pulled down the longest slide imaginable. “AAAHHHH!” I scream.

My heart a racing. “How do I stop?” I bend my knees trying to stop the force by my shoes. I start to smell rubber. I stop all of a sudden, being thrown into a pool of a water, but I don’t think its a pool, has to be the ocean, yet the water is so clear, I see my legs struggling. I try swimming to the surface, with my head soon rising above the water.  I see a beach, full of people, I swim towards them. I arrive at the beach still fully clothed, all eyes on me as if it was burning a hole through my head. I walk as a few people stare, the beach is soon crowded with people, on going lookers. “Take a picture I may look better to you” I mumble to myself.

Turning around looking out into the water as I sit myself down. The sun seems to be setting, the beach seems to be less crowdied than what it was, that felt like less than 5 minutes ago. The sun beats down on me, and shines into my eyes, bright enough for me to hold my arm up near my eyesight, to block the rays, and its gone. All I see is reddish-orange tint to the clear starry night.

It breaks, I feel it shattered. “What happened to Live Forever, Forever?” What is this pain? I feel this pain, it’s all over me. It shakes me to my core to the point I have to tell myself to, “Breath… Breath… Breath.” I slowly inhale, and exhale, and repeating all over again.

I stand on my feet, and slowly venture myself to the water front as the waves crash against the shore, and I soon find myself in far enough where the water is crashing in and out of my feet. I look towards the sky, hoping for a realization about life. Looking for something to just attack me out of no where.

And so it hits me, right in the back …full force, making me fall forward, knees first. I turn around, and there again is another lone figure, but this time yelling, “Get Back Up!” I stand, and again I get hit by something. The lone figure is still yelling, “Get Back Up!”  I stand facing him, and I am knocked down for the third time. “Am I suppose to stay down? I am always knocked down?” Yelling, “I Need Your Support! Help me Up!?”  A force pushes me up, I turn around, and I feel this light, and see this light holding me up, and pulling me back to this lone figure, that is standing there in nothing but his sandels, and swim trunks, and me still in my wet clothes. I feel his breath behind my ear, than a soft whisper, “Follow me.” I follow.

I jerk awake from the crazy, insanely dream like state, that my sleeping body put me in. “What the Hell?” I said to no one, it’s only me, alone. I look towards my mirror, seeing myself. “What a dream?” I lay back down in my head, pondering what happened and what the dream meant, all I can remember for the words that were said, “Live Forever, Forever,” and “Follow Me.”

I climb out of bed to start the day, grabbing my things, while the dream still rested in me. I hear my cell ring, but pay no attention to the constant screeching of what ever theme it is.

“Follow me,” I hear as I stand in my apartment. “Follow you, where?” I say to no one, this must confirm, I am insane. I can hear voices.

“Follow.”

“Follow, What!?”

“Follow. Follow. Follow. Just Follow.”

“Okay, I’ll follow, but follow you where?” I say to the voice, even though I sound pretty damn crazy,  I will even give myself that credit.

“Live Forever.” Is what I hear next. “For Goodness, Pete’s. Alrighty, Yet Just so you know everyone dies! You, cannot Live Forever. Unless if someone wants to remember that You will Forever Live!” I said to the voice.

“You Live Forever, when you just Live!”

I looked up towards the sound coming from my living room, “Well, you should know. You are now following me in my reality, not my dream.”

I go on with my day, since that morning, for the rest of day, I can not get the fact that this voice was following me, telling me to “Live Forever,” and to “Follow him.”  What does it mean to “Live Forever?” I ask to myself, the concept is not that far fetch, yet I feel in myself that it means, that I just have to Live… Live as if it was your last, so Live Forever, in no matter what circumstances life throws at you specially in the weather of our lives. Our Lives, I guess you can say is like the weather, It sure can be Sad(Rain), Happy(Sunny), Calm(a Fall Night), Crazy(Tornado).  So, Yet I follow, I follow my instincts to get me through each day, and night. I follow what I feel, and what I hear in myself.

“Live Forever, but also Follow your life that you feel what is right. We will continue to look for a way to survive the weather in our lives, and the follow, that will lead us to our destination, even if it is to self-destruction. We are our worse credict. Live Forever, so We can survive our Tonight.”

The End…

Please listen to the song, this story is somewhat based on this song, and what ever came to my mind while I was typing this story, that took since 12pm to write. “Live Forever” by Matt Morris

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8IYIOTUat4

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Please Comment, Always appreciated

~ Lesha

I know there has been many times where I have said, that ‘I am truly happy.’ What I feel in this moment is… Contentment. In life, I have realized, and I know a few people out there need to realize this , too … is that we as humans will never be truly satisfied with ourselves. There is always a piece of fat that we will grab on, and tell ourselves, “I am fat, I need to lose weight.” Another would be “OMG! I have a Zit! What am I going to do? I can’t go out looking like this!”   It really is not the end of the world, but in that moment – it is.

I have come to the conclusion, that everyone in one way or another is self conscious about physical appearance to how they look to others, or even in a photo. It is the littlest things that we see, that we do not like, but to others,  they may see that flaw that makes us… Us!  Life is never perfect, nor will it ever be perfect. Flaws – is what makes us – Us! Accept It, and Embrace It! It is thee major thing that I have never done in my life, yet, I am slowly trying.  

Of course, I am going to have days, where I just look into the mirror, and just look at myself, and think or say, ‘What the hell happened last night? Was the dream that bad to make me this Ugly?” As for this morning 2/12/2010, I awoke by hitting my alarm clock from 8:30am to 9:3oam, and having my mom call me at 9:30 to make sure I was up. So, I jumped out of bed, to get ready – well not really, I laid in my bed for another 10 minutes or so, got up, and looked at myself in the mirror. How can you not when your Vanity mirror gives you the full length of what you look like every morning and every day?  I looked in that mirror, and I Laughed! My hair was a mess, it looked like an Afro, all curly, and with many snarls, and well I guess this is what I get when I go to bed with my full on wet head of hair.  I grab my things heading into the bathroom, laughing on the way, than again looking into another mirror, in my bathroom(really I am not that conceded), still laughing at myself, and thinking about the previous night, and I smiled.  I than continued to think that when ever, I have had long hair, I remember it being wavy, so seeing that curl, I know my long hair is just around the corner.

In 2009, my life changed not really for the better though, health wise – yes. But I also met a few new people, and I started hanging with them, before I knew it I lost myself, and lost everything I worked hard for. Picking up those pieces sure is hard, which is what I am currently doing right now. Its going to take a while for me to get back on my feet. It is time again, that I start taking care of myself, start going for my goals, and start being the person, that I know that I can be.

In 2009, I also realized who my true friends are. You know who you are, and you know you will always be by my side. You have seen me change over the years, and you have seen that I have struggled, and for one of you – You truly know me as a person, I Thank You for your friendship over the year, may many more, and for future use, Thank You!

This 2009, was the hardest year for me from family issues with my dad, to my dad being in the hospital, to finding out (which was a Great lesson learned) on how some people I met a long the way this year, can fully take you, and use you, with out you even realizing what they are doing, but everyone else tends to see it, and to being sick with stomach issues – from infections to gallbladder issues.

Life for me will never be the same, I can not live in the past, I have to live for the present, I will never know my future even though it scares me, like you would not believe, but isn’t that what transition is all about. Over the years, I have slowly transitioned into someone who is Independent, who just wants to learn as much as I can, even in little time. Every day is a learning experience, and every day is a transition period. Life can change at any given moment. My future 2010, I feel is going to be bright for me, a few friends, I know for a fact will leave my life, and when that time comes, I will transition that part of my life, at that time. I also know now that I can not worry about others, on what they are doing with their life, it is time, (and I know have said this countless of times), that Ineed start taking care of myself, from every aspect, it is time for me to truly be Happy, even though there is that void in my life, that seems that is not fulfilled yet. It is time that the person who walks into my life, and into my heart to take that void away. It is time for me to settle down, and make a family. That is what I want for myself. I know its not going to happen now, but I pray that the person who will love me for countless years from now walks into my life this year of 2010.

What ever 2010, throughs my way, I may not be ready, but I certainly can gaurantee that I will try to handle the situation to the best of my ability, and that is all I can live for. If I do not make people happy, just be happy, that we are alive, be happy with what you got. You have to be happy with yourself before you make any else happy. That is one of the hardest things that I am trying to learn in my life. 

A few things I am happy about is the fact that in one year, I have lost a total of 60 pounds, and my best friend had a baby girl, who I kind of adopted as my niece, and the future flower girl for when ever I do get married, along with the fact, I met some new people, even though I do not see some of these folks often, I know by the times I have talked to them, and how they listen to me, I know they have lead a life, that made them wise beyond their years, and the fact they taught me a few things about life, that I just keep to myself. :)

My goals for 2010 are, but not necissarily in this order:

Lose the 57 pounds – to hit my goal weight of 150, by my 26th Birthday.

Eating No Carbs! (This is gonna be Hard)

Exercise 4 times a week, with 3 days out of the week doing pilaties at home.

Move into a Condo, that I can finally call “My Own.”

Be Patient for the Love of my Life.

To Try and do a Video blog about life, to where the camera follows me to the gym, so everyone can see all my sweatiness. This is also for myself, too, I want to look back on the video for future use to show how far I have come in my weightloss, and my struggles with life. This video would be like a transition of sorts.

Last but not least, To be Happy with Myself!.

As I leave this blog, I have to remember the words that a teacher once said, “Alesha you see what you think people see. You are Beautiful person, that is what people see.”

To those who read my blog, Thank You, for being patient for all the times I have not updated. Hope 2010 brings Happiness for every single one of you.

~Lesha