Motivation!!

Hello Readers,

I know that it has been a while since I have posted anything. Kind of want to give you an update on what has been going on. Currently(well not at this moment) I have been working out with my Chiropractor, today we had touched base on my range of motion which I am guessing is average for someone like me who rarely stretches, and exercises as of late. I am the first to tell you, that I have been slacking, I have ‘fallen off the wagon,’ as some say. I guess I just need to get ‘back on the horse,’ so to speak. I am writing this blog, because I am begging for some Motivation, and Encouragement. When I first started this Journey on Weight Loss, I thought I would be at the goal I set for myself by this time, and I am not. I am disappointed in myself. The past two years have been a struggle for me, and I lost that motivation due to stress; But Thank God, I have yet to Pity myself about it, and I do not want to because that is not who I am. I do not sit here and say, ‘Oh, poor me.’

Some of you also know that I have a YouTube account, and a shock to a few. I have not posted in two years on my YouTube account, but I am going to delete the videos, cause they just make me sick looking at them. I am going to Try(saying that strongly) to post one video blog once a week, no matter what it is. Whether it is me being profound, Ditzy, and boring or even weird.  I was going to have this blog on how my blog makes me so “Mysterious,” for the fact my blog is known as “Mysterious Writer,” and well I have been told by a someone actually famous person, (I will have to find the comment, that he replied to), that I am Mysterious. ;)  So, that will be my next “Blog & Vlog” to come, on “Mysterious” people actually think of me as. Is it okay to leave some things to the imagination? I will have to agree.

~Lesha

WoW!

Okay, so it looks like since January 14th, I have not updated my blog. Where has the time gone? I have no idea that is for sure, each time I feel like doing a blog, I say to myself, “I just did a blog not to long ago. I guess I will wait.” Well it looks like about 7 people have viewed my blog. Who ever you are. Thank You! for viewing my blog. I know who one of the 7 are, but not sure if she will continue to read my blog.

There are a couple of ideas in my head that are swimming around of what I should write about. A week or 2 ago, I was going to write about how upset I was over something, but should not put in my blog, for I have been told by this person not to always write about it or mention it in my headline on Facebook. I love this person dearly, but hopefully we have come to an understanding together about my life and how I should live it. She is a Great Person, and a Great Friend, when I need one, or just want someone to listen to me bitch and complain about things in my life. I know I give her an earful, and I appreciate it, and I hope she knows it.

An update on how I am doing health wise and weight wise. I think I am down 37 pounds not really sure on that, have not weighed myself recently. Went shopping a couple days ago, and found out I am 2 jean sizes down, and a shirt size, and OMG a bra size, too. I am devastated on the bra size :( I wish it could have stayed the same size. Oh, well, Maybe now I can find my size, seems everyone is my size when I shop for things like that. But I am sure MANY of you did Not want to know that. Well, so be it, I wrote about it, and you’re going to know about it. :-)  As for the working out part. I exercise at least 3 or 4 times a week. I am not sure if the 5k is actually going to happen, I just need to take it a step at a time and go at my own pace.

On the 17th of this month, I will be seeing my dietician, and my surgeon to see how I am doing. I hoping that my dietician puts me on a strict eating plan, one where I know I have to stay on, because something would happen if I happen to get off of it. So, I need an eating plan that will scare me enough that tells me if you do not eat this, than you can become sick. Or something like that. I feel I need a set eating plan, becuase than I feel it will work for me as well as this surgery has.  Hopefully, I will have some good news when I meet with them on Tuesday. And that day, I will also update all of you, so, you will know what happened.

Also for the past week or 2, I have also been trying to think of a poem to write. I have not wrote a poem for quite sometime, or even a short story for that matter.  The poem, I wanted it to be about the moon shinning through my window, becuase all of last week the moon had shown through my window at night, and it just felt so peaceful starying at it, and thinking about things in my life at this time.  Hopefully that poem will come to me, through a song that I will listen to. Most poems do when I listen to music, it flows straight from my finger tips to my keyboard, and into my computer, than off to all of you.

Okay, so my last update is basically saying, Thanks to my friends, for being my friends, and for listening to me. I know I sometimes say that I feel like I am not being heard. I know you hear me, and I appreciate it. To a friend out there, that is going through some problems, but not really sure its a problem, because I am going through it, too. We will find that person, I know we will. He will be in our lives, we just have to remind ourselves that we can not search for love. Love has to find us, and the one that is out there for you and for me, will have to find us or fall upon us in meeting. *Hugs*

By the Way, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!! The Day I wish I had a man to love and vice versa. I am a romantic at heart. LOL :-)

~Lesha

Journey is just beginning…

Okay, I know that my last blog, had a lot of mispelled words, lots of run-on sentences, and words that were missing. It is not one of my best blogs becuase I threw it together in less than an hour, and just basically said, ‘here, read it.’  I wrote the blog to fast and you could tell how I wrote it.

Lately, I have been questioning some things in my life. I am very happy with my life, with my weight loss, and the feeling that I can actually accomplish this in my life, becuase I have my family and friends that have my back. The one thing that I get annoyed with, with this whole weight loss and life change is the constant questions of: How are you doing? How much have you lost? Are you happy? Can you believe it that you actually did it?

I am Great, that is how I am doing. I have now lost a total of 27 ibs making me weigh in at 240. I have constantly said that, “Yes! I am Happy.” I can believe that I actually did do it. I am surprised that I did it, I am surprise that it is actually helping me become healthy and me being the person that I always knew was there. Because the ‘Me’ before my whole weight issue in my life some how was hidding away from everything that I wish I could have accomplished way before. I miss the person that I was before I moved when I was 9/10 yrs old.  The first year was fine but thats when it all changed in my life, something happened to me than, and I do not know what, but I wish I was that kid that got that Award in Elementry, the Award was Best Smile.  I even remember the teacher, her name is Mrs. Tabbert. She retired, and she was my 2nd grade teacher.

I am slowly gaining my self confidence back in myself, since it has been gone for so long. I look at myself in the mirror when I am all ready to go somewhere and see that my clothes are hanging off of me, in some of them I feel like I am swimming. Funny thing is now, with my jeans, I put my hands into my pocket and push my pants all the way down with out having to button or zip them to get them off.  Thats a great feeling, so pretty soon I am gonna have to start wearing belts, and baggy jeans before I buy new clothes. 

I walk the mall but every time I do so, I smell the food and wish I could buy some ice cream or eat that greasy hamburger from Culvers, but than I look how well I am doing. I am making a promise to myself that I am never going to eat at a fast food resturant. If I do and I am with someone, I will eat a salad.  Yet, I do not trust myself  cause I know it will restart the addiction if you so want to call it that. I was never addicted to food, its not like I had to have it or eat it but I caught myself eating fast food when I felt very emotional or when someone will make a comment about my weight. 

Weight has always been an issue with me and always will be, whether I like to admit or not. I did admit but still it is something in the back of me that just says, ‘What the hell? How did you get like this?’ It is all those comments that people make, that made me have a weight issue. I never ignored them, I also find myself that it is very hard to take a compliment. I do not know what to say when someone tells me I am looking good besides a ‘thank you.’  I think it is because all those years of not being the person I know I was. I was hidding. I am no longer going to hide, I can not hide. I need that person back before the weight issue began.

I know most of you are thinking that this blog is some what depressing, but I am not depressed. Just stating my feelings, and how I feel with this whole weight loss issue. It is a very touchy subject and there are only a few people that I can talk face to face with about my issues, and some by the phone. And of course writing my blogs for all to read. But the hardest part is trying to tell friends and a few family members this face to face. I hope those family members who read this, understand. I hope they understand that I am fine. I am doing the best I can, like I always have, and I always will. They should also know that if I want help, I will ask for it. Very rarely do I ask for help, because I feel that need to do it myself, so I can feel that accomplish feeling. All you gotta do is be by the side lines to chear me on in the Journey, stay there, cause it is not finished, yet.  As for my friends, I am not going to name, names but please listen to me and give me the best advice that you think you should give, be on the side lines with my family chearing me on. Listen to me vent, like the many times that I have listened and given advice. The major things in my life that I hold close to me and want from people and me giving it back is Loyalness. I want my friends close, I want my family, I want us to support each other no matter what the circumstances are.

Well, I guess this is it for now. I hope you all have a great Holiday season. I will see you soon.

~Lesha

Surgery, Hopeful feeling.

For some reason it has taken me weeks to try and think of something to write for my blog. I wanted to do like a short story or a poem. Yet, I think I am not in that time frame right now in my life to write a story or a poem.

In my previous blog I think I stated that I was going to go with the Gastric Bypass. I actually do not even know if I told all of you yet or not. Well I decided on the Lap Band, because it is reverseable, and that I have never had kids, so the Gastric Bypass kinda scares me because not enough nutrients could get to you and the baby at the same. Doctors say to wait 3 years before you have a kid. But still scared even on that, cause I have read where the mom and the baby have both died just even after a year or two of having the baby, cause of Gastric Bypass. Lapband also lets you reverse that and you could take it out if would like.

Well, so most of you already know but now I am asking for some support, meaning emotionally. I want my friends and family to cheer me on, on the sidelines. Growing up, I felt like I never had that, I was always being brought down by what my family would say or what my friends or peers a like would say. Yet that has changed for me. I know my friends and family love me very much, yet that support is something that I have wished for. I also have a feeling that once this blog goes out to everyone, I will recieve this comment, “Alesha, We support you. You have always had the support. Never think that we never did support you.” Let’s say this, I may have had the support but it did not feel like it than becuase in my teenage years I was always depressed. I was never in the right frame of mind. If any of you know my brother, you could ask him.

It is time to change my life. It is time for me to do something that I want to do, not what someone else wants me to do. I also do not want to hear words such as like, “Do not do this.” “This is wrong.” or any negative comments such as like those. Right now, I am struggeling with telling my sperm donor side of the family to see how they would take it, yet I do not think I should tell them.

It is time to focus on me and my health. I do not have a problem saying my weight online, cause well I can. I want people, friends, and family to follow my progress through all this. So drum role please…..I am 269, 5 feet 3 inches tall, that is a BMI(Body Mass Index) of 47%, that is morbidly obesed. When I saw the Dr. it freaking scared the crap out of me. At the age of 24 I should not weigh that much. Many reasons could be why I weigh that much. Good amount of the reasons are: Hypothyroidism, not eating right, lack of exercise, depression, terrible sleep patern. These are the jist of why I look the way I am. I saw that I do not eat enough actually, and not getting all the right nutrients into my body to where my matabolisim was not working right which than goes back to the Thyroid. As for the lack of exercise, many do not know that when you have Hypothyroidism, getting the weight off sucks, majorly, because one your matabolisim is shot, it don’t work even if you are on medication, which only goes for some, such as me. But it affected me and my health.

My goal is that by the time the end of the year is over with in 2009 I would like to have at least 130-140 ibs off or at least get to a normal BMI range of 25%-30%. I have met with a surgeon already, a Psychologist, and a Diatician. Each one of them think I am a great canidate to have this surgery. When speaking with the Psychologist, she saw too, that I was already to have this surgery, that this is now my time. And that is how I feel. In about a 1 week to 2 weeks I will know from my insurance company to see if I am approved for the Lapband or not. If I am excited I am gonna keep it to myself for awhile than tell everyone. I am gonna do this a little bit different, usually when something good or great happens to me. I usually can not keep it inside to myself for long.

Okay so enough about my health cause I have a feeling that is what everyone is going to hear for quite sometime. 

Well, Readers please leave comments. I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks to Blog reader here at WordPress, Diane for commenting. Thanks :)

Well gotta jet..

~ Lesha