Determination and Motivation

Having negative people in your life will bring you down. Don’t let

2011: What a Year!

What a Year! It has been May of 2011 since I have lost blogged. I really do not know what to say. But this past year has taught me a few things about my life. I am Strong, and to Hell with the people who think they are “Hot Shots” (Get over yourself). Because let me tell you something: Life is not all Sunshine, and Roses. Life sucks, and if you cannot pick up yourself up off the floor (than lay there), but you have to get back up, dust yourself off, and try again! I am tired of people, tired of the bullshit that people like to pull. This blog is about Friends, and Goals.

Friends:  In previous blogs, I have always talked about, how I feel like I was never really “Liked.” I also find myself that I talk about it A Lot! Well, I am going to control myself from saying that, because it does not matter now, that was years ago, and if people do not like me, than they are not worth my time. I have been constantly told by people that I am one of the sweetest people that they have met.  Whether if they have met me once or those who have known me for 21 years (childhood friends). I once told a friend years ago, that friends come, and go, that’s life. It is not something that we can control. We either grow up or grow apart because Life wants to take us to where we feel that we need to go. I know who my true friends are now, I also know that new friends will come into my life, which has taught me a few things, is to not always believe what someone says to you, and to not trust them right away. But it has taught me to at least give them a chance, at arm’s length. If they cannot accept the fact that I am sometimes loud, maybe a little reserved, or just being my weird self, then it is fine by me, for I like that I am a little(a lot) quirky. I feel that not many know who I truly am, because I am constantly changing. I actually like change, even though it scares me like no other. But if it is for the right reason, Bring on the Change! I know who my true friends, because true friends do not stab one another in the back. Friends actually listen to you, not ignore you. This past year about “Friends” has taught me a lot. It does not matter whether if you have 1 close friend to 10+ close friends. What does matter is that you know who you are, what you stand for as a person. And if your so called “true friends” cannot accept you the way you are, how you act, what you do, how you live your life, than they are not your friends to begin with. If they tell you how to act or if you are just following along with what they are doing, and you are not satisfied. Than it is time to stop. For if you are not happy with yourself, the situation, and the people you are hanging with, well than it is time to look elsewhere. Whether if it be at a new job, going to school, or even moving back home to get your life back on track, you have to do what you feel is right and comfortable for yourself. Last but certainly not least: You Do Not change for anyone, You Change for yourself! This includes Friends, Family, and Partners. Yet, when you are a Unit (2 people in a relationship). You change together, keep the communication open, are honest with one another, trust each other, and Love each other.  If you cannot have one of those in a relationship, I firmly believe that the relationship will not work out.

Goals:  I have many. There I said it, some call me crazy, for I have so many. Many of them are also dreams. I dream of to be a Mother, a Wife, one day a Grandmother, a Career Woman, a Friend to my future Kids, a Loving Stable Home Life for my future Children. Are some of those too much to ask? But my Goals for right now are to get back on track on this train aka “The Journey” of life, of Health, and Fitness. To start believing in myself again, that I really can do this. I can become Healthy again, and to start my Journey of going to School for Graphic Communications/Graphic Design with an Emphasis/Minor in Production. I have always felt that I am never smart enough. But I have realized something about myself, when I dream about it, and put it out in the world, wish for it, pray for it, and start believing in myself more. Then I know I can do anything, along with the support of Family, and Friends. I do not set New Year’s Resolutions, I set Goals for myself. If I do not make the Goal, well I am going to keep on trying, because that is what I have always done in life, and it has helped me this far, and it for sure has made me stronger. This past year, I found my true strength in life I knew how it was/is to struggle each month. But with the support of my Mom, and my friends listening to me, I got through it, and I came out on top better than I have been in a long time. Another Goal of mine for this year is to get out of debt. The only debt I planned to have this year is by going school, to further my education, in hopes that it brings me where I need to be: A Career Woman – A Dream Goal.

As for 2012, I hope you are nice to me this year. I have been told by a few people that this is my year, and I am going to personally show you that. Watch me, for I am not giving up anytime soon. I cannot afford to give up for what I have already worked so hard for.

My question for all of you, what do you think of me starting a personal Video Blog every day, and posting it to YouTube, about my weight loss? To me it would be like a Video Diary that I can look back on at the end of each month or a year from now. Let me know.

This ends the blog, I have been reading past blogs that I have written, and I really truly can tell, that I have already come along way. If your heart desires, read till your heart is content.

~Lesha “McGee” “Peaches”

Please listen below of my New Favorite song. Definitely my Anthem for 2012!

“Arms” by Christina Perri

~Lesha

“What I want to do, is not who I want to be.”

                I have always felt that I was different, and I am. I have always liked that about myself. But the thing is I feel I am so different, that it feels like I do not belong. I always feel so out of place with everything I do. For example, when I am walking through the mall, I feel that I am this big fish in a small pond. Growing up I had counselors tell me that I am going to be known for something, people are going to know about me. I have so many dreams, goals, and things that I want to do with my life. Yet, it seems whenever I speak about these goals, I get the role of the eye, the sigh, and that you-can’t-be-serious look; and every single time it gets taken down.

                Growing up, I would constantly hear “Gawd, Alesha you’re Stupid.” Maybe that was why I felt like I was stupid, and still feel like it sometimes, too. I was not a great student throughout all of school; I was average, D-C Student, sometimes with a few A’s, and B’s. Part of me feels like, I was not well liked in school, and to come to think of it. I know some did not like me, and I can name names. I do not understand why it is so hard to get to know someone, to treat them with the respect they deserve or treat them the way you want to be treated. Life is not perfect, far from it, everyone has their issues, and everyone is going to screw up. I feel that people are just waiting for me to quit at anything that I put my mind to, that I am not going to amount myself to anything. I think people see me as: weird, considerate, funny, stupid, passionate, loyal, and I am sure there are many more. But for once I want someone to look past my exterior, and to actually listen to me. I know when someone tunes me out, people constantly told me to be quiet, and some have said that they were not listening to me. Sometimes I can just ramble on, and I used to tell people, “If I get to be too much, and I am still talking and you want to talk, just tell me to be quiet, because I can get a head of myself sometime.” To which I still can.

                I am sure, that some of the people I went to High School with, can tell you stories, how I came to class every day with some sort of story from the water heater breaking down, or a dude I saw at work, and having most of the people surrounding me laughing; or I would sing in Civics class, and most would tune it out, others would laugh, and one would be really annoyed. That was school; I kind of knew where I stood in school. I was not popular, I did not go out to the parties not just because I was not invited, I think it was because they already knew that it was just not my type of thing, and also cause my mom would have said no, anyway.  I know that everyone knew who I was in school though; I did get along with almost just about everyone.

                As I am sitting here typing this, I just wonder why it feels as if everyone else is so far advanced in life with their careers, and a family, to which I have none. In my life I do not want to be define for what I do, but for whom I am, and who I wanted to be.  Just like a recent quote that I put on my white board recently, “What I want to do, is not who I want to be.” Does that make sense to anyone? When I look at the words, it makes me stop, and think.  It shows that currently right what I am doing now in my life, is not what I want to do, and I definitely know that it is not who I want to be. Which is a good thing, right? I believe that everyone has a path, some know that path way before others do.  I am not sure what my path will be, but I have got the feeling that it will be a great one, even though it is going to be a struggle. Yet, as some say, “Life is never easy. There is always going to be hardships in one’s life.”  I was told two friends the other day that I feel lost, and stuck. I know that when in life when you feel stuck, that means you are right where you need to be.  For me to break out of that hold, that chain that seems to be attached to me, that I need to make a jump into something else, and that is to move away from this place that does not feel like home. That does not feel like me, I want to feel like I belong, and I have never felt that every since I can remember, and that is sad. I think people should feel like they belong in some form when they are out, and about, family functions, holiday get-together’s, you name they should feel like they fit in, I should feel like I fit in. But I don’t, kind of sucks, if I say so myself.

                I am tired, frustrated, and stressed with life because of so many things going on right now, and constantly worrying about how I am going to make it, with where I live at now. I am tired of people taking advantage of me, and using me. I sometimes feel like I have a sign on my back that says, “Play with me, Use me, Kick Me, and Put me down.”  That is how it has always been, and I want things to change, and to do that is to move, by moving, I mean far from where I live now. I remember one point in my child hood, I was probably 11 yrs old, and I remember lying on the floor playing with a puppy that someone had brought over to visit. My mom, and the visitor were talking about a movie, I think it was “The Prodigal Child,” and I spoke up saying that I am going to be that child. I still feel that way, too.  My passion though is Writing, which does not make sense, because I am the worse person to actually complete a sentence, many happen to be run-ons, and sometimes what I read; I do not comprehend what I read right way, so I usually have to read it five times before I understand. 

       But, anyway, this whole blog is to show you that. I am just tired of how things in my life are going, and that I am sick of being in the Midwest. I feel there is nothing here for me besides that fact that I have friends and family here, but I also have friends in California, and Georgia; two of the places that I would love to live at.

~ Lesha

So Long 2010!

            I never really know where to begin. I know it has been awhile since I have written or typed (whatever you would like to call it) a blog, in well over a month. A lot has happened this year. I have learned a lot, I have learned that when friends, family, or even other people make a promise, to still not expect that promise to become a reality, and if it does, still do not expect anything. Life should be about surprises, and so far this year has definitely been a surprise, and one the hardest years that I have had in a long, long time.

            I am not sure what 2011 will bring me, but I hope it brings me new insight to things in life, I hope 2011 can define just a little bit more of myself. I hope that whichever comes out about in this messed up situation that is currently going on, will get better, that things will turn around for the better.

            This year in 2010, I have constantly been told that I am sweet, nice, gorgeous, funny, and all around good person. My questions this year are possibly some of the most frequent ask questions about life or about one self, a few would be: ‘If I am such a nice person, why does it feel that I am being used?’ ‘Why does life always throw me curve balls?’ ‘Why do some think, that everything revolves around them?’ ‘When is it my turn . . . ?’

            Everyone has heard the saying, ‘Some of Life questions’ are the hardest life questions, and also the most unanswered questions.’  Or something along those lines, I feel that the life questions that we face, and ask ourselves every day or as often as we can. That there are many answers to those life questions and every single answer is different, because not every one’s life is the same.  

            Trust is one the big things that I have this year, people who I thought I could count on basically put into positions that I have never been in, and is the hardest to get out of. I have always wanted people in my life that I can trust, and the moment that I feel I can trust them, it back fires. I know there are about a handful of people I can trust, and for that I am grateful because without them, I have no clue on where I will be. Yet, I am Thankful for so much this year, even though it may not sound like it . . . I am.

            My goal for 2011, is to get back on track, to let life just lead, and to let things happen, even things that I have no control over, to become healthy again, to learn a new way of relieving stress, to be more in the moment with things, because before we know it we may get sideswiped and really lose track on what is most important.   I have always said, ‘that you have to choose to be happy,’ and I think I lost that a bit.  There is no reason, besides life just gets crazy, but for me that is a lame excuse. I am content currently in my life, with unwanted stress, that I wish would magically disappear.

            I have learned this year, not everything is going to go the way I expect or wish for them to go. I know there is a plan out there for me, and that plan I know will define a big part of who I am as a person. I have so many dreams, and hopes for the future. I plan on going to college, sometime in the fall of 2011 or beginning of 2012, I feel I need something to fall back on things. Now I just have to decide what I would like to do:  Account Management with a minor in Marketing,  Graphic Communications with a minor in Marketing & Advertising.

            So, as the end of my year of 2010…I hope 2011 will be a lot better, happier, and less stress as much as possible. But currently is not starting out that way. Cross your fingers, and pray for the best.

            As, a lady told me today, “this too shall pass.” I hope this lady has a very happy, who was told that she will not see the day of her 49th Birthday, and she just turned 49, 3 days ago, and they gave her another 2-3 years to live. I hope, and pray for the best for her. I hope she continues with the humor that she has in life.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Years!

~ Lesha

Imagine…

I imagine myself 5, sometimes 10 years from now, wondering where I am, what I am doing, who I am as a person. I imagine myself with at least 2 kids, possibly 3 kids, married, busy. I imagine myself walking back and forth with papers at my job, always running around for someone or even for myself. I see myself as Happy, and enjoying life. I see the person that put the past behind her. I see her standing at the kitchen counter with long hair in a pony-tail, with make-up on, a smile on my face, my head turned talking to who ever is in my kitchen with me. I see a few kids sitting at the counter eating a sandwich, one about 5 years old, and the other about 8 years old. I imagine the sun shining through the window and the sliding glass door. I hear laughter, knowing that what ever was said had to be funny.  I feel the atmosphere is very relaxed, very laid back. Must be a celebration, I see friends and family walking into the kitchen, hugs all around.

Many have asked me, where do you see yourself in 5 – 10 years? Well, there is your answer. I see life being… I see that what ever has happened in my life is put behind me, what ever pasts that have brought me where I am now, are long gone. I do not see life to be perfect, but I see that I am happy. I see myself enjoying life for me, and my family, along with friends, and everyone else alike that are around me.

What ever you picture later in life such as the 5 – 10 years from now question. Is that life is not always going to be how you imagine it to be. Just like, how I imagine my life to be up at top. But that is where I do see myself as. I see myself Happy.

I see myself Happier than I am now. My Journey thus far has been going great. I know that each road I take there will be bumps and bruises, yet there will always be someone, or something that I can look at that reminds me of lifes greatest pleasures. Like when ever I see a full moon, or even looking at the moon, something stops me in my tracks, that shows me that he, the man in the moon is always following me and giving me the light to see through the darkness in my long journey ahead. :)

As for an update on how this weight loss journey for me is going. Many have seen the changes in me, many have questioned the changes in me. My confidence is coming out like wild flowers, I am changing for me and that is what this journey is about. It is also about getting to know myself better, and others around me. Since this weight loss, I have met some great people, some will deffinetly last a life time, becuase I am not letting them go any time soon, and I hope they know that. I am down to 217 pounds from 267 pounds before surgery. I am now a size 16, but could possibly fit into a 14 depending on the brand name or even the pair of jeans. I have never seen a size 14 in my life, and that there to me is a great accomplishment. I think in middle school I went from a size 8 to a size 18 with in 2 months, due to thyroid complications. The last time I saw a size 18 was in 8th grade going into the 9th grade. When I tried Weight Watchers, and Mrs. Donnely who was a 5th grade teacher, weighed me each time I came in. When on Weight Watchers I do remember loosing 20 pounds, going to Shopko buying a size 18 than with in weeks could not wear them, and saying when I got to a size 20 and buying a skirt, which said 22. I told myself that it would only be a matter of time before I could fit into a size 22. I was a Freshmen in High School, and stayed at a size 22 till November of 2008 when I had my surgery. So that would be 9 years since I even seen a size 18, and even a size 20. It’s amazing really so, for those who see such a big change in me remember that was also a time that I was struggeling with myself, and that you have not seen that person in forever, and it is something that you have not seen, even myself in that long of a time. It is great finding out who I have become over the years.  It is amazing that I still have those same hopes and dreams that I see for myself in 5 -10 years.

Change is scary and we all know that, and a few have made me realize that when I feel that way, I can come to them. You know who you are. So, Thank You! :)

Love, ~Lesha

Friends – Thoughts in my itty bitty brain

It seems that the best time I write is late/early morning depending on how you would like to look at it. As I am typing this, my laptop computer is telling me it is 3:32 am on a Tuesday morning, on May 5^th of 2009.

For the past few days, have been hard on me. Saturday especially, so many thoughts ran through my head. I still felt like I was fat, even though I have lost close to 50 pounds, than the thought of me being annoying came to my mind. I feel I annoy quit a lot of people, and sometimes, I just do not know when to stop. I did not feel beautiful that day, I don’t look at myself as beautiful or pretty. I feel average, but I am also my worst critic when it comes to that. I look in the mirror, and I still see that person that is fat. I am very close to a size 16 in jeans, and before surgery I was a size 22, and looking at that makes me realize I really did this. So, Why do I feel this way?

 

I told a friend that I felt this, and well having someone tell me that I am beautiful every so often that he does, I have to get that mind set in me, because I do not see it, and I do not feel it. After he told me, I really did not know what to think. I know he will be around to pick me up quite often, and I hope he knows, I will do the same for him. Lately, with my new best friend, I do not know how much I would have experienced with out him by my side, I have seen some pretty cool things with him thus far. We are very much a like I believe, but yet so very different. We always seem to laugh, every chance we get. Meeting him has brought many different views into my life through another friend of ours, and I hope they both know, I appreciate it.

In a few weeks, I will be moving to a two bedroom apartment, I am hoping this place is home, but lately just coming home to my one bedroom apartment, I feel I no longer belong in this place, I feel it is time for someone else to move in. This apartment I am in now, has many memories, good and bad. I am hoping that moving to this new place will bring many more memories. My one bedroom is no longer home. Sometimes when one major thing changes, another thing has to change, such as moving, so that is what I am doing – moving.

I have been told a few times, by friends, co-workers, and a few family members that they can see the change in me, some feels like it is a drastic change, so much that they feel I am shutting them off from my life. I am not shutting you out of my life, just follow me on my ride, and watch me go and be the person that you knew, I have always wanted to become. I kinda understand who I am now, but I am still learning a whole new side to me. I have never seen my self as Skinny, I have never been skinny, so losing this weight of course is going to change me, you may see more of my personality come out, you may see some interesting pictures, I believe that you have treat others the way you want to be treated. My friends are definitely unique, and I love them because of it, because if they were not unique enough for me, my life would be quite boring. Remember, I needed to change for myself, so this whole personality, know that it has always been there, but instead it was just hiding since I was 10 or 11.

For those who have known me my whole life, do you remember the last time that you have seen me truly happy? Answer that question. I am now finally happy, it has been so long, I can guarantee you that. Something had changed in me when I was younger, and a few can testify to that. I want that person fully back, the person that I lost so long ago, and I am sure those people would love to have that person back, too.

I know I will have many more thoughts about life, but not everyday should be a good day. If you have too many good days eventually, your life is going to come crashing down, and you are going to break into a million of pieces. Life is good, and right now, I am just enjoying it for what it is worth. I have some of the best friends that I could ask for at this time in my life, and with one that I feel so comfortable with, that it kind of…I don’t know what word to look for, it does not scare me or terrify me, it brings me comfort knowing that this person is there, and I wish and hope that this person does not drop me as a friend, I hope and pray that none of my friends drop me as a friend. I hold my friends very close, such as my family, and seeing a friend just walk away, is like losing a loved one, cause I believe your friends are your second family. It’s the family that you know you can fall back on at any time in your life, when you feel life is pushing you back and down to the ground.

At this time in my life, I still need the support, and I still need to be told, I am beautiful, that I am loved, because I realized recently, I still feel some what unloved like I did back when I lived at home and when I was a teen. Maybe its because I was not told I was beautiful that often or because I always wished to be those girls in the magazines, or to just be liked by everyone, but I know not everyone is going to like you in your life, and that trying to hard might turn people off of you. I learned to be quiet growing up in a crowd of people, cause I never knew when I would say something annoying, or stupid, and have people look at me as if I did not know what I was talking about. So, I kept my lips closed, till I was with a group I was comfortable with or when I was with people that I knew really well.

Anyway, I do not know how to end this blog cause I have been writing it for the past hour.

So, I am ending it here. Comment please. I really do appreciate it.

Love, ~Lesha

Who We Are..

I have to remind myself a lot when I hear these lyrics, and its crazy, cause I have said them constantly to myself, to others, and in my blog. I love this movie, and I just happen to find this song today by Hope Partlow “Who We Are”  Enjoy. Alesha

Two Months!

OMG! Can You believe it that it has been two months since I have had my surgery? My has time flown, as I know of, I have lost a total of 31 pounds. But that is quite a guess there, since I have not weight myself since December 11th when I last saw my surgeon.

I am happy with the out come thus far, I hope it gets better from here. Since I have had the surgery, I felt motivated, and now, I feel that motivation is dwindleing. I need to either find a gym or at least by a Wii, and Wii fit.  I need to be healthy, and I am getting a healthy. But I do know that by the end of 2009, I will be at the weight that I want to be at.

Okay, on to something that I have been thinking constantly about.

I want to buy my first place, like a condo. A place to call my own, right now I am in an Apartment, but its just so small, I like my space, lots of space. :)

Well I guess that is the update, not much to update but its good. I see my primary Dr. on Monday and my Surgeon for a fill on Thursday. :)

Thanks Everyone for Replying when you do.

Happy New Year!

~Lesha

New Domain – Kind of.

Hey Everyone,

Well as You can see this is my new home for me to post blogs. Why cause I want to start something that everyone and anyone can come and post what ever the heck the like to, to what I have to say. Not much happens in my day to day life. So this blog will either be about what happened that day or stories from my child hood. 

I also want my new readers try to guess what I am like as a person. For those who know me. Lets see how much you know about me, cause basically I am going to lay every thing on the line. I am not going to use my personal info on here. I am not even going to post where I live. Why cuase I really don’t want someone to come and track me down or anything like that. I will though let you know that my real name is, Alesha. I will give you that. I will also give you I am 23 who is over weight, and in the #3 spot for being over weight, from what my doctor says. What ever he means by that. Just call me fat and don’t state or remind me that I am cause all I have to do is look in the mirror and I will know. :)

Anyway. I just realized I use the word ‘anyway’ a lot. Please let me know if comes to be an obsession or if you see me use it a lot in my blogs LOL :). Well I guess I should just post this blog and also start a new one, of what is happening with the end of things on my Dad’s side of family. This will be a place for me to vent out my frustrations on that side of the family.

Please follow a long. See you shortly ~ Alesha