“What I want to do, is not who I want to be.”

                I have always felt that I was different, and I am. I have always liked that about myself. But the thing is I feel I am so different, that it feels like I do not belong. I always feel so out of place with everything I do. For example, when I am walking through the mall, I feel that I am this big fish in a small pond. Growing up I had counselors tell me that I am going to be known for something, people are going to know about me. I have so many dreams, goals, and things that I want to do with my life. Yet, it seems whenever I speak about these goals, I get the role of the eye, the sigh, and that you-can’t-be-serious look; and every single time it gets taken down.

                Growing up, I would constantly hear “Gawd, Alesha you’re Stupid.” Maybe that was why I felt like I was stupid, and still feel like it sometimes, too. I was not a great student throughout all of school; I was average, D-C Student, sometimes with a few A’s, and B’s. Part of me feels like, I was not well liked in school, and to come to think of it. I know some did not like me, and I can name names. I do not understand why it is so hard to get to know someone, to treat them with the respect they deserve or treat them the way you want to be treated. Life is not perfect, far from it, everyone has their issues, and everyone is going to screw up. I feel that people are just waiting for me to quit at anything that I put my mind to, that I am not going to amount myself to anything. I think people see me as: weird, considerate, funny, stupid, passionate, loyal, and I am sure there are many more. But for once I want someone to look past my exterior, and to actually listen to me. I know when someone tunes me out, people constantly told me to be quiet, and some have said that they were not listening to me. Sometimes I can just ramble on, and I used to tell people, “If I get to be too much, and I am still talking and you want to talk, just tell me to be quiet, because I can get a head of myself sometime.” To which I still can.

                I am sure, that some of the people I went to High School with, can tell you stories, how I came to class every day with some sort of story from the water heater breaking down, or a dude I saw at work, and having most of the people surrounding me laughing; or I would sing in Civics class, and most would tune it out, others would laugh, and one would be really annoyed. That was school; I kind of knew where I stood in school. I was not popular, I did not go out to the parties not just because I was not invited, I think it was because they already knew that it was just not my type of thing, and also cause my mom would have said no, anyway.  I know that everyone knew who I was in school though; I did get along with almost just about everyone.

                As I am sitting here typing this, I just wonder why it feels as if everyone else is so far advanced in life with their careers, and a family, to which I have none. In my life I do not want to be define for what I do, but for whom I am, and who I wanted to be.  Just like a recent quote that I put on my white board recently, “What I want to do, is not who I want to be.” Does that make sense to anyone? When I look at the words, it makes me stop, and think.  It shows that currently right what I am doing now in my life, is not what I want to do, and I definitely know that it is not who I want to be. Which is a good thing, right? I believe that everyone has a path, some know that path way before others do.  I am not sure what my path will be, but I have got the feeling that it will be a great one, even though it is going to be a struggle. Yet, as some say, “Life is never easy. There is always going to be hardships in one’s life.”  I was told two friends the other day that I feel lost, and stuck. I know that when in life when you feel stuck, that means you are right where you need to be.  For me to break out of that hold, that chain that seems to be attached to me, that I need to make a jump into something else, and that is to move away from this place that does not feel like home. That does not feel like me, I want to feel like I belong, and I have never felt that every since I can remember, and that is sad. I think people should feel like they belong in some form when they are out, and about, family functions, holiday get-together’s, you name they should feel like they fit in, I should feel like I fit in. But I don’t, kind of sucks, if I say so myself.

                I am tired, frustrated, and stressed with life because of so many things going on right now, and constantly worrying about how I am going to make it, with where I live at now. I am tired of people taking advantage of me, and using me. I sometimes feel like I have a sign on my back that says, “Play with me, Use me, Kick Me, and Put me down.”  That is how it has always been, and I want things to change, and to do that is to move, by moving, I mean far from where I live now. I remember one point in my child hood, I was probably 11 yrs old, and I remember lying on the floor playing with a puppy that someone had brought over to visit. My mom, and the visitor were talking about a movie, I think it was “The Prodigal Child,” and I spoke up saying that I am going to be that child. I still feel that way, too.  My passion though is Writing, which does not make sense, because I am the worse person to actually complete a sentence, many happen to be run-ons, and sometimes what I read; I do not comprehend what I read right way, so I usually have to read it five times before I understand. 

       But, anyway, this whole blog is to show you that. I am just tired of how things in my life are going, and that I am sick of being in the Midwest. I feel there is nothing here for me besides that fact that I have friends and family here, but I also have friends in California, and Georgia; two of the places that I would love to live at.

~ Lesha