I am frustrated…Frustrated with life, with people using me, and some people in general. It is like I cannot catch a break for once. Like today for example, it just literally put me in a bad mood. I know today 2/20, that it is snowing, sleeting, and all around the weather is just crappy. I was stuck, my tires could not catch a grip, I was on an icy patch, and 5 people were behind me, 4 trucks, and 1 mini-van. I had trouble, sliding everywhere , and out of those 5 people, guess who helped me after 5 minutes, of struggling, the mini-van. Every single person was a male with 4-wheel drives, except the mini-van. I am sure they were thinking, “Come on lady get a move on.” I just wanted to give them the finger. So, I sat there, screamed a few choice words, than I felt the gentlemen in the mini-van pushing my car. I wanted to get out of my car, to thank him, but did not want to chance in getting stuck, so I honked my horn, put my window down, yelled Thanks, and gave him a wave. It’s people like him that, we need more of instead of these “Jerks” thinking they can get through anything because they have a 4 wheel drive. I am sorry I am a Women driver, but come on. Depending on how you look at Karma, it can be a good thing, I hope that guy who helped, gets some Great Karma back to him, I pray for good Karma for him. As for the others, you get what you deserve.
Okay, so I am upset – frustrated. I have a right to be. These past 2 years have just not been great, it is like each time I take that step to try to get anywhere something happens, and I have to watch where I go. I believe in Karma, and I have been told/believe in that this is my year, that God knows that I am struggling, have been for awhile, that he is going to help with that. When I said those few choice words, and prayed to him, that guy in the Mini-Van, started to push my car. I literally had tears in my eyes, because I feel I am sometimes not heard. I am not saying, I am not heard by God himself, I know he always hears what I have to say.
I just want a break; I want to get away from the Dakotas. I need a vacation, I need to rethink, re-plan, and get back into that right frame of mind again, on getting healthy, on trying to be a better me, and to find something to define myself, just a bit little more. I love writing, but each time I mention something that I want to do, it gets shot down, and people think I am nuts. It feels like there is know, “You can do this, Lesha!” Kind of feels like, whatever I put out there, sharing my hopes, and dreams. I get that seriously-you’ve-got-to-be-kidding look. Whatever I do it gets shot down, by some of the people that I care about. It feels like they do not believe in what I want to do.
I know life is not what we expect it to be, and that we should not expect much, that things in life are just not handed to us on a silver platter, and that we have to work hard for what we want. I believe not 1 outcome is ever the same, and that there is more than 1 way to get where you need to be. It is all about trial and error. Well I feel that this Trial & Error, I have used plenty of times, and it is not working. I am trying to stay sane, to not lose my cool, to not give up hope, and to just be. I am tired of just feeling stuck, and I am tired of the repetitiveness in my life. It is boring; there is no fun, and excitement.
My Doctors, have no clue where my Migraines are coming from, but they happen for 2 days every month right around the time the bills are due. They are thinking it is stress, I am thinking they are right. They say Stress can cause so many health issues, like all the ones I have, mainly Thyroid, no weight loss, sleepless nights, Migraines, no motivation, and ect…
And so I hope, that this little pity party I just through myself, goes away fast. Basically, I am stating is that: I am Just Tired. Tired of all the BS. Tired of all the people that have used me, kicked me around like I am a rock, and it is getting old real quick. For once I would love for someone to just lift the weight off my shoulders, and carry it around for awhile, and have them feel what it is like to be for once.
I know I do not have a hard life, and many would think my life is easy. But it is the words that I hear, that seemed to not be going anywhere, and that have always been there since I can remember.
Okay, so ending this blog, because well – I can, I want to, and just because I just got this off of my chest, because I feel when I speak it- No one listens, anyway.
Lesh
Mysterious Writer 