This Journey has ended, but a New One has just Began

Some often say, “We are our worse critiques.” I would 100% agree. I know how often I get down on myself about certain things or something that happened many years ago and I berate myself over and over.

This past year, more specifically since August of last year, I started noticing things about myself…things that I never got over. It is a healing process…a process that has taken some insight on standing back and looking in on my life from an outside view. How strange it was to do that, putting yourself into that position. Which I seem to do at least once a year, more like a reflection on my life and looking back on things that have happened. But this was a time in my life where not only did I have to look from an outsider’s perspective, I had to look deep within myself. I have to thank a friend for helping me, she stepped in when no one really knew what was going on. But she saw something in me and she gave me the push that I needed. Thank You! You know who you are.

I feel there are certain things that I will always constantly struggle with, which just makes me human. Everyone has their own insecurities, because no one is perfect. We all as humans have our own flaws. Some people just like to point them out to you, when you already know it is true. Yet, the hardest thing to do is to accept those flaws. I have learned that when you accept those insecurities…you are accepting yourself as a whole. To Love Yourself, You have to Accept All of You!

It has taken me a while to get where I am today, a lot of strength, prayers and wrong turn’s; have helped me understand myself. There have been some people in my life over the last few years by just either being an acquaintance or just a one-time chance of meeting each other, that some of their words have stayed with me. A few of them have said, “You give off this glow.” “I never really knew that about you. You always seem so out of reach.” “You’re going to make a name for yourself, I can see that…something about you is just so different.” “You like being unique?” I know that I am different…very different. I am definitely one of those individuals, where people just stop and often have to take a double look. I sometimes feed off my unique weird individualism that I am; which is a great way to describe myself.

My weight has always been an issue well since the 6^th grade, when your body is changing, and when kids were just cruel. What they didn’t know was that same year I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis) and Sport Asthma. I had no metabolism, when most kids had enough energy to run around…I had none. My outlet was listening to music (Backstreet Boys). What some probably don’t know, is that what I was struggling with on the inside, I was bottling and putting those emotions into music and writing; when people really thought I was obsessed with the band, I was merely just doing something that I felt right at the time. They were the ones that kept me from doing something drastic…their music is what kept me going.

So, this last year when I was going through things that I never got over…I would turn on the radio and it would be their (Backstreet Boys) voices that I would hear, often hearing them on my supper break at work, or very early morning while in my vehicle. But it would always be at a time that I needed to hear them the most. I remember back when I started working at the current job that I am at right now. The last thing I remember doing, when I got the fateful call, was putting paint brushes away, and talking to my department manager on how I just wanted to do something with my life that would make a difference. That not just by getting out of this city, but also the store in general. I was leaving for the day, when I got the call and I remember just saying, “I accept!” As this was all playing out, the song that came over the speakers was none other than The Backstreet Boys, “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.” Weeks before while working, was when I decided that I needed to look for a new job; the song playing over the speakers, “Quit Playing Games.”  Till this day, they still ‘follow’ me when I am feeling my lowest and I just need that ‘pick-me-up.’ It is not just them, it is music in general.

I have this interesting perspective on my life and how I think it will play out; often I am wrong. Yet, there is this feeling inside myself that I just cannot put my finger on. It is an energy that I have never felt before, it’s as if it is pushing me forward on to the next best thing in my life. It is that step that will maybe show me the “greatness” that I have become. On one of the many social networking sites that I am on, I have this heading, “Growing into a person I never knew I could be.” To finally accept myself as I am, after so many years of just struggling, and trying to find a place in this world. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of; I know where I stand for myself. I know that I will achieve what I have set out into the world. I also know where I belong, it may not be here in my current state but where ever ‘it’ takes me…let’s just say, I now know my calling.

This Journey has ended, but a New One has just Began; so just try to stop me.

<3 Lesha

Circle

What do you do when you know not everything is okay? You have this feeling of standing in this circle, you’re looking around you notice that no one is standing around this circle, you see that you are all alone and you notice – you have no one to turn to.

This feeling of loneness is something you thought you would never feel, see, or even imagined. But it’s there…it is really there.  You feel the loneliness more at night than you do during the day. During the day you go about your everyday business, but the loneliness is just not as strong. That is when you wear the mask often wondering if you people really notice what you constantly struggle with.  You see people walk by with happy faces laughing, you see couples being sweet, and kid’s playing kickball and wonder; are they feeling the same. Then you look at your life and you know – you are nowhere near the happiness they are at that moment.

Every so often you step out of that circle, you feel the liveliness that you want to hold onto as long as you can – but you know deep down, the moment you come home, that feeling is back that home is just a place to live – that ‘it’ is not home.  ‘It’ is always there, you always come back to that circle, that known feeling of comfort, but when it is not the comfort that you want, it is just the knowing that the moment you walk through your door, putting your keys on the table, purse on the floor, turning on the lights, breathing telling yourself it will get better. You know you are alone it’s the silence that confirms it. Back at this circle every so often you see a few people sneak their head in, sometimes many come and go; other times many of them just leave. A few stand outside and they just watch wondering how crazy you must be, how they cannot understand you, when most of the time you don’t understand yourself that you don’t know who you are. You get told how funny you are, how smart you are, caring, loving, friendly, nice smile, and so on. But who am I really?

You feel the only way to break free from this ‘circle’ is to get up, do something, to feel motivated, to feeling good about oneself – yet the worse of it all is when you don’t have that support, that love. The feeling of unworthiness, “You’re not good enough.” “Stop Eating!” “There she is eating again.” “Have you had enough?” “That doesn’t look good on you.” “You’re Fat!” “Lose weight.” “Don’t get too skinny!” “I’ll have you run along the side of my car and shove fruit down your throat!” “We have nothing in common, you’re a girl – he and I have more in common because we are guys.” “Stop Singing, You suck!” “Shut up!” “I hate you; I wish I could just punch you.” “I don’t listen to you; I tend to block you out.” (Them)

“Leave Me Alone, Stop Yelling at me! Give me a Break! Just listen to me!”

You can only take and hear so much when growing up, before words come back to haunt you, when they are constantly in the back of your mind. But when you mentioned to some, you try to get them to understand why you don’t feel loved. That is why!

You know you are not depressed, you are just alone. The hurt, the bullying, the torments, the feminine products thrown all over the middle school vocal room, spit wades to the back of your head, the name calling from ‘Fatty’ to “I wish I could shove you under a bus,” to letting all the air out of two of your tires, the condom in your Ford Tempo Gas Tank, to threatening me that they wanted to kill me.

Yet you look back you see how far you have come from all the emotional abuse, bullying, and you wonder often for those who feel like they can no longer hold on, that they don’t have enough strength to get through. You Do!

You don’t get to choose your family, but you get to choose your friends. I made it Through! I forgive these people who did this to me. I am a product of a person who bullied me. Who put me down; in return They gave Me Strength to move on. To be the best I can be! To fight for what I want to be! Who I am made to be, who I Strive to be!

Suicide is never the answer and I thought of it plenty in middle school. There are far too many suicides for those who are the victim of bullying because they are different. In the back of my mind I know I am sent here to motivate people, to show people that even though words hurt. You can still prove that you are better than they ever will be.

Life gets better. You will get better, it may take years but you will get better. Have hope keep your faith in God. Stand up for yourself, show them that whatever they do, that you will Not back down, because you a stronger than that.

If you have friends like this they are not your friends to begin with, they don’t know you as a person. Keep your spirit Alive by finding something you are passionate about that you are great at. A bully hates when the victim succeeds, because they know they have lost.

To the bullies, whatever happened in your home life or the person who was doing the same to you, I hope you are stronger for it, that you realize what you did to me and the mistakes you did to others, because you know that you are worthy to of someone loving you for you.

Some say that those who are doing the bullying are just wanting attention because no one is paying attention to them, so for them to get noticed they have to do something drastic. Was that the case for those who bullied me, I think for a few; yes.

To everyone who reads this; I am fine. I am working on a lot of these to get past the hurt that I have bottled for years that I never spoke about, there are very few who know what happened back in Middle School. In High School, I kept to myself, I never felt ‘liked’ in my school but I knew many in different ‘clicks’ that I spoke with that I got a long with. In high school I survived, I was just living day to day. My outlet was working (sometimes depending on manager working); because I knew I could be myself.

I don’t get why I was teased, why I was bullied, or why people just did not like me. But for whatever apparent of reason a part of me feels that I should ‘Thank’ them because I am stronger for what they did. That they taught me to keep on going, even when it gets tough, just to keep treading that water, and that I need to remind myself that I need to motivate myself to taking small steps, that if I keep doing it that I will be great at what I do, at what I am made to be. I’ve been told that I motivate many people every day, by the customers that I talk to, the people that I run into; if I can motivate at least one person a day, than I should be able to motivate myself into working out, to become healthy, to see a first time ever skinny version of myself.  My goal is to lose at least 5-10 pounds a month, all I need to do, is go to a trainer at my gym to see if they will help me along the way, to be my advocate, to push me, to tell me that when it gets too hard in working out then they are right there, that they are just a phone call away, kind of like a Mentor. For when I go to my class reunion I really want people to be surprise, to say, “Who is that?” That is what I wish, besides the normal girl dreams, a family to call her own, a husband to call her best friend, kids to protect, a dog to take for a walk.  I have come far, and that above what I have written, this is what a victim became who stayed strong because of a bully.

Love <3 Alesha

Who is that Girl in the Mirror?

It Amazes me, how a few people who I know, but barely know – ( you know what I mean?) – have told me, how healthy I look, and how proud they are of me, for what I have accomplished thus far, and those who I do know pretty well, have said the same. Yet to me it feels pretty amazing when someone you do not see that often, or do not even really know, takes notice, and is Happy for you. This too, makes me also Happy.

I know there has been many times where I have said, that ‘I am truly happy.’ What I feel in this moment is… Contentment. In life, I have realized, and I know a few people out there need to realize this , too … is that we as humans will never be truly satisfied with ourselves. There is always a piece of fat that we will grab on, and tell ourselves, “I am fat, I need to lose weight.” Another would be “OMG! I have a Zit! What am I going to do? I can’t go out looking like this!”   It really is not the end of the world, but in that moment – it is.

I have come to the conclusion, that everyone in one way or another is self conscious about physical appearance to how they look to others, or even in a photo. It is the littlest things that we see, that we do not like, but to others,  they may see that flaw that makes us… Us!  Life is never perfect, nor will it ever be perfect. Flaws – is what makes us – Us! Accept It, and Embrace It! It is thee major thing that I have never done in my life, yet, I am slowly trying.  

Of course, I am going to have days, where I just look into the mirror, and just look at myself, and think or say, ‘What the hell happened last night? Was the dream that bad to make me this Ugly?” As for this morning 2/12/2010, I awoke by hitting my alarm clock from 8:30am to 9:3oam, and having my mom call me at 9:30 to make sure I was up. So, I jumped out of bed, to get ready – well not really, I laid in my bed for another 10 minutes or so, got up, and looked at myself in the mirror. How can you not when your Vanity mirror gives you the full length of what you look like every morning and every day?  I looked in that mirror, and I Laughed! My hair was a mess, it looked like an Afro, all curly, and with many snarls, and well I guess this is what I get when I go to bed with my full on wet head of hair.  I grab my things heading into the bathroom, laughing on the way, than again looking into another mirror, in my bathroom(really I am not that conceded), still laughing at myself, and thinking about the previous night, and I smiled.  I than continued to think that when ever, I have had long hair, I remember it being wavy, so seeing that curl, I know my long hair is just around the corner.

I got a feeling…

         Changes come and go, they are most of the time unexpected, and even sometimes you know the change is coming. Loosing weight I knew I was going to change whether if it be for the better or not. I have always known along the way in my life, that the people I meet, are going to change me. I take a little bit of each and every person, that they bring to me, it maybe their personality, it could be even a little bit of their style, and the way they may even carry themselves. A few have told me that my opinions on certain subjects have changed, yet have you really talked to me about them. Have you really asked me what I believe in? You maybe surprise at what I say sometimes, you may think I am a naive girl, that does not know what she is talking about. All I am trying to do in life is learn every chance I get. One of my biggest pet peeves lately, and for many of you, who have known me since I was a youngster, knew I was always getting teased, and being laughed at. Now when I ask a question there have been a few people who would laugh at me, when I am simply learning, and hearing their point a views on which ever topic we are talking about . There are things in my life that I may never understand, or get. But isn’t that life, becuase if we understood everything that was thrown at us, wouldn’t our lives be pretty much boring, and wouldn’t that make us not able to learn new things, if we just simply understood. Maybe it makes sense to me.

          In life we are supposed to grow into a person that our parents, hoped and dreamed for us to be. We may not follow the path that they dreamed for us. But I can gaurantee you that they dreamed for us to be Happy with ourselves, our lives, and most of all to make a family. To be the parents that they were to us, and maybe just a little bit better, for our parents may think that some of the things that they have done for us or not, were some of the biggest mistakes that they have ever made. Parents, a word of advice, let your children decide what they want to be, how they want to dress, have them make their own descisions, and let them learn. Do not shelter them. I have been sheltered for much of my life, and for the past year since weight loss, there are things that I wish I never got to see, but happy to know I got to see, cuase I know in my life, that is not how I want to live. My life is not built on going out, drinking, parting every night. My life is built on the fact that I have great people surrounding me, that my family every single one of them, and not just my brother brought me up to be considerate of others, to be respectful, and to be non-judgemental. I have no where to judge, I have been judged for far too long in my life, to know that actions and words hurt, to know for a fact when someone is lieing to me, to my face.  I am an observer. I watched every thing, I see the smallest details that many do not see. I remember the smallest memories, that many tend to forget, even when those memories are even the worse for all of us, I remember them.  I wish I did not have a good memory when it came to things like that. But I do, and that is something that I will have to live with.

          Life has been great, yet for the past few months it has been very stressful. I am financially stressed, which I am actually not that bad in a shape, I am actually doing pretty good, better than most I have been told by my bank, and my mom. I am also stressed for the fact, that I feel that my life seems to not going any where, and I have been coming pretty impatient, and been quite snappy at a few people, with my mom taking most of the brink of my snappy attitude. But she understands, she knows I am changing, and that this change has been pretty hard on me, when usually it is pretty easy for me to accept.

         I have learned that there a few new pet peeves in my life, here is the list:

1. No Commensence.

2. People who do not put on their blinker

3. When you ask a question, and that person looks at you, as if you just asked the dumbest question around, than they laugh. Than they don’t answer, for you argueing with them. Than they answer, but they reply I was not laughing at you. Uh, yeah, you were. Duh!

4. People who think that everything revolves around them

5. People who think they are better than everyone else.

6. People who are lazy. Get up & do something. That is why You have legs! That is why your parents taught you how to walk.

7. When you can not pick up after yourself. No wonder me & my mom fought a lot growing up. It really is a Pet Peeve.

8. Taping of the pen/clicking of the nails. Basically this is almost everyones pet peeve

9. People who do not listen. I know when someone is listening to me, and I know when someone isn’t. Grow up in a family where a few members have told me, “Alesha stop talking. We are not listening to you.” I have picked up on a few things when someone is not listening.

10. Last but not least. When someone sits back says how horable their life is, when they really do not know how bad it is, or how lucky they actually are.

          Okay, so I am frusterated, if you can not tell. Am I the only that sometimes feels this way, to all the above Pet Peeves?

          Life is what you make of it, so live it to the best of your ability. Do not let people drag you down, take advantage of you, use you, and throw you away like a dirty napkin. You are better than that, so stand up for yourself. Life will never be perfect, it will never be a straight and narrow road. It will be hilly, bumpy, curvy, ups and downs, and every now and than there will be a few detours, stop signs, cross roads for a new direction you can take, along with wind, thunderstorms, tornadoes, and rain for your tears.  Show to the people that you can do something with your life, give them something that you can be proud about.

          I realized life will never go the way that you want to go, G-d has a plan for all of us. He knew that we would make the sins in our lives, I believe that he wants us to learn from our mistakes, and that he is always there for us to lean on, he is there for us to show us the way when we need, Yet a few times he has told me, “Alesha, this is all you. This is what you wanted to learn. I am showing you what can happen if you want to lead this life. It is your descision to make. I am here when you need me, standing by you, guiding you, and protecting you when you are too far in, I can pull you out.”  

          Months ago, I wrote a blog or I may have tried to write a blog about it. I had a friend one night that continued to tell me I was beautiful over, over, and over again. My confidence has gain, yet I still think of myself not beautiful. But I do try to tell myself every day that I look great, that today can be a good day.

          And so my anthem song for 2009 is by Black Eyed Peas – “I Got a Feeling”

          I know the words are not really me. But I love the beat of the song, and I have to keep telling myself that, “tonight is gonna be a good good night.” And maybe it just will.

         So after you have read this blog my friends & family, What are some of your Pet Peeves?

~Lesha

New Found Friendship

Well, life is sure changing. Lately I have been questioning some things in life for the comments that some people that I know have made to me. It is like they can say something about my life, but once I say something about their life. They get mad at me, but  I can not get mad at them for when they say something to me bout my life, that I may actually take offence to.  I have always said that your life is in your hands, it is up to you to make the right choices for yourself, and that no one can make them for you. You have to live your life the way you want to live, cause if you don’t, than what is the point in living. Friends, Family, and any other person out there can not make the decisions in your life.

For the past few months, I have been hanging out with some great people, that some family members, and a few friends, may think that it is the wrong way to live. Well we have no say in how one lives. We can definitely state our opinion but I can guarantee you that, my friends that I have been hanging out with, will listen yet they will not like it. They don’t tell you how to live, so how can you tell them how to live. It is that simple. There is not one way to live.

Hanging with my new found friends, have definitely made me think of things differently. I know they respect me, it is just that feeling I get when I am with them. It is really weird on how us 4 are so different from each other, but so much a like. In some way, some how we have things in common. Being with them seems to help my confidence a lot, I have one of thee lowest confident levels you will ever meet, and I know the reasons to them, but if you have been reading my blogs long enough or have known me for quite sometime, you already know why that is. I know that my friends see it, and for some reason I feel that one of them is trying help me break that barrier, he may not realize it, but I think he is. Also when I am with them, I just get quiet, and take everything in, since they have known each other longer. I am sure that each of them have wondered why I do get quiet. Sometimes I just do not know what to say or how to jump in on a conversation, cause I feel like I am going to say something dumb or do something stupid. LOL  But most of all I just listen or I go off into my own little world, and just think about things, I seem to be really good at that.

Since I have met them, I do not remember the last time that I actually really laughed. I mean laugh out loud, rolling on the floor with tears in my eyes.  I mean I have laughed but not like this. It feels really weird because I just remembered, now that I think of it. The last time I think I truly laughed would be back in my pre-teens, and early teen years before my whole depression started in my teens. And those who have known me since I was a teen, you know how it was for me.

So, much has changed in my life, that its like I can finally breath a little. I know once I go on this trip that me and my friends are planning, is going to change me. I know I am going to experience things, that I am going to analyze, think about, learn about – to just be in this place and to see all the different culture in one place is going to be enough for me. I feel I have not experienced what most or even many have.

I am running with my life, and I am bringing everyone for the run. They are trying to catch up to me. I always want to learn something that I am not used to, such as I have with my new friends. Never in a million years did I know that I would be friends with Drag Queens. I have always found that Drag Queens are very fascinating. The way they hold themselves, and the way they make something into art. I think is pretty damn cool.  I love my Ms. Ashley Cole and Ms. Jordyn Lynn Cole, for some reason they have taken me under their wing, to which in an odd sense I feel protected, and same with Duchess, too. 

It seems in this blog and the last blog I have been talking of my new found friends.  They are great people, and I wish more people could see what they see in me. I feel like I finally belong. And it has been forever since I have felt that way. It truly is an amazing feeling.

I love that my confidence is showing a little bit more each and every time I am with them, or with anyone for that matter. I lost myself back when I was 10 or 11, but myself is now back or slowly becoming back to what I remember it to be.

Thank You! Sparky Sycamore, Coco Scenic, & Duchess Paisley. :)

~ Lesha aka Lady Roze

“If I walked along your path. . .”

Hey Everyone, I got an email today asking me a question of sorts. In the heading it said, “If I walked along your path…” Than when I opened the email, it asks, “What will I learn?”

I thought this was a cool blog idea, and to share with everyone what I feel and thought. Enjoy, Thanks Cindy for asking this and giving me the idea to put in a blog. :)

~Lesha

——

If you walked along my path, you will learn a lot of interesting details about my life, from my past struggles and to where I am at now. My path only gets longer. My path even brings on new exciting people, and adventures every day. My path is curvy, very much hilly like as if you were on a road. There are plenty of stop signs, detours, and holes in this road, never once was my path perfect or is now. I am still on the same path back to where I first started so I can fix those holes in the road, and hope to add a couple more stop signs, so I can have time to stop and think before I go on to the next part of the road again. As to what I like to call it a Journey. One road is never the same, but it is sometimes always wise to go back to fix the path you were on so you can move onto your next Journey on a different road. Fixing that first Road you were on will be much faster than when you first started on the first Journey.

I am only 24, with still so much more to learn in life. All I know, is that I feel I am on my right path now than I was in previously years passed. The Journey on my weight loss is only beginning, it just started. I can not wait to finish this road to a healthier me. I always thought that I had to go in search for myself, but I learned one day, that I need to stop searching because what ever is out there for you, will eventually fall into your lap for you to pick up and to hold onto so you can bring it down your own path in life. Its okay to have friends, and family with but sometimes its always best to just have them at the sidelines chearing you on, instead of them holding your hand. I always told my self since I was 7 yrs old. If I need help, I will ask for help. If I need support, I will ask for it. I am the type of person that I need to try it countless of times till I can not figure it out before I ask for the support or for the help. But with this new life style change in my life, on this new path/Journey, I did simply ask for help and support from friends and family. It was a struggle to ask those that I felt never really supported in all the Journey’s and Paths that I have taken, but I was totally wrong, they just showed me in their own way that I never watched for, yet I now feel that these people are with me in my path or on my sidelines 

I will take anyone who is willing to jump on the path with me, who wants to see the same outcome in life or different outcome, because sometimes even though you have the support and help on the sidelines. It also does not hurt to have a friend or a new found friend on the same path so you can learn things together. They can be ahead of you or vice versa but their outcome will still be different, as so will yours.

Family Life. My Life.

I honestly have no idea how to start out this blog for many reason becuase with in one month lots have already happened to me. Lets start out with the family. Lets go back to August 2, 2008. You may notice that I wrote a blog on August 4th and seen that I did not want to talk about my family. Well Part of this blog is going to be about this certain family member. A person that I am now just calling “My Sperm Donor.” Simple as that, Right?.

August 2nd was “My Sperm Donor’s” date of Birth. I had talked with him on the 1st because I was told by my mom or brother that he wanted us to come down to his place for his B-Day. Well I had the 2nd off already and I was planning on going but I decided not to. He did not like that. Reason why I did not go down I was sick with the big “D” so driving and having the big “D” I am not going cause with my stomach I will be pulling over every 30 minutes or so. Well than 8 days later it was my B-Day. Not one single call from him. So, I brushed it off my shoulders. Well the 20th of August came around. I called “My sperm Donor” to see when my Grandpa’s memorial service was. Well he did not answer his phone but I did not leave a message either. I than called my aunt to see if she knew, left a message on her cell. After I disconnected the call with that “My Sperm Donor” calls back. I answer it and the call goes like this:

Me: Hello? / Him: What do you want? / Me: Just calling to see when the Memorial service will be? / Him: Why do you even care? I asked you and your brother to come on my B-Day and you did not show. / Me: I am sorry I was sick / Him: Alesha, I am getting sick of all the excuses that you and brother use. / Me: They are not excuses. I am sorry I was sick. / Him: I can not afford to drive to you guys with gas and everything. I am tired of it all. You have not been down here in 4-5 years / Me: I have and we have lives dad. / Him: Alesha you so want me in your life than its time you come to me. I am sick of all the bickering, (than I cant remember what else he said with that cause he was talking so fast. So I sat and listened. Last thing he said this.) Him: Alesha, Why don’t You just change your last name to your mothers maiden name? / Me: I might just do that than.

Than the call was disconnected and “My Sperm Donor” hung up the phone. So that is that, My aunt called me back I told her what happened and told her I was not going to come to the memorial service cause if I seen him I would literally yell at him and give him a heart attack.

Am I hurt by this? Not really. I am so used to all the abuse that he has done to me that it just kind of falls off of me, as if it never happened. Will I remember this? Yes, I will and I hate the fact that I will, because I hate remembering hurtful things that he has always said to me. It is something that I wish I could just put behind me and walk away from. Maybe with this life style change that might be happening with in the next couple months…maybe than it would be my time to walk away from all the bullshit that he and I have caused each other. Or maybe I should just start now. Since I no longer call him “Father” or “Dad.” Something to think about, I guess or I should just do it and take that jump in my life. Well, this now brings me to something that I have been meaning to tell everyone that I am going to do once I get the go ahead to do this thing.

Many of you know who read my blogs, such as my close friends, a few family members is that I have always struggled with my weight since I can remember. Lately, I have found myself trying to avoid mirrors because I know when I do, I do not like what I see. I see that I am fat, I know I am fat, but inside I feel I am a completely different person than what everyone sees on the outside. Many of the people know the true me or what I feel is the true me. Over the years my life has definetly changed for the good. One thing that I have always wished for to change is my weight. I know when you loose weight it is a life style change. I have been thinking for the past year about doing a surgery which is called Gastric Bypass. I made an apointment with the Surgeon for the 18th to see what he says and to see if I would qualify. He would send a letter off to my medical insurance provider, they would look it over and than respond back. If I qualify than I would go and make the appointment for the surgery and get all the necessary precautions done first and we will go from there.

I know that I need all the support I can get, for my whole life I have felt that no one really has supported my journey in what I love to do and the chearing on the side lines. If this surgery happens I am going to be updating my progress by YouTube or by pictures or something like that. I have many people that I talk to online and that I have got to know really well over the years.

I feel this blog should end here. Yet, I will continue to write. It sure has been awhile since I have written a poem or a short story. Well, love is always appreciated, thanks for reading even if I am not say it enough.

Love ~ Lesh