This Journey has ended, but a New One has just Began

Some often say, “We are our worse critiques.” I would 100% agree. I know how often I get down on myself about certain things or something that happened many years ago and I berate myself over and over.

This past year, more specifically since August of last year, I started noticing things about myself…things that I never got over. It is a healing process…a process that has taken some insight on standing back and looking in on my life from an outside view. How strange it was to do that, putting yourself into that position. Which I seem to do at least once a year, more like a reflection on my life and looking back on things that have happened. But this was a time in my life where not only did I have to look from an outsider’s perspective, I had to look deep within myself. I have to thank a friend for helping me, she stepped in when no one really knew what was going on. But she saw something in me and she gave me the push that I needed. Thank You! You know who you are.

I feel there are certain things that I will always constantly struggle with, which just makes me human. Everyone has their own insecurities, because no one is perfect. We all as humans have our own flaws. Some people just like to point them out to you, when you already know it is true. Yet, the hardest thing to do is to accept those flaws. I have learned that when you accept those insecurities…you are accepting yourself as a whole. To Love Yourself, You have to Accept All of You!

It has taken me a while to get where I am today, a lot of strength, prayers and wrong turn’s; have helped me understand myself. There have been some people in my life over the last few years by just either being an acquaintance or just a one-time chance of meeting each other, that some of their words have stayed with me. A few of them have said, “You give off this glow.” “I never really knew that about you. You always seem so out of reach.” “You’re going to make a name for yourself, I can see that…something about you is just so different.” “You like being unique?” I know that I am different…very different. I am definitely one of those individuals, where people just stop and often have to take a double look. I sometimes feed off my unique weird individualism that I am; which is a great way to describe myself.

My weight has always been an issue well since the 6^th grade, when your body is changing, and when kids were just cruel. What they didn’t know was that same year I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis) and Sport Asthma. I had no metabolism, when most kids had enough energy to run around…I had none. My outlet was listening to music (Backstreet Boys). What some probably don’t know, is that what I was struggling with on the inside, I was bottling and putting those emotions into music and writing; when people really thought I was obsessed with the band, I was merely just doing something that I felt right at the time. They were the ones that kept me from doing something drastic…their music is what kept me going.

So, this last year when I was going through things that I never got over…I would turn on the radio and it would be their (Backstreet Boys) voices that I would hear, often hearing them on my supper break at work, or very early morning while in my vehicle. But it would always be at a time that I needed to hear them the most. I remember back when I started working at the current job that I am at right now. The last thing I remember doing, when I got the fateful call, was putting paint brushes away, and talking to my department manager on how I just wanted to do something with my life that would make a difference. That not just by getting out of this city, but also the store in general. I was leaving for the day, when I got the call and I remember just saying, “I accept!” As this was all playing out, the song that came over the speakers was none other than The Backstreet Boys, “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.” Weeks before while working, was when I decided that I needed to look for a new job; the song playing over the speakers, “Quit Playing Games.”  Till this day, they still ‘follow’ me when I am feeling my lowest and I just need that ‘pick-me-up.’ It is not just them, it is music in general.

I have this interesting perspective on my life and how I think it will play out; often I am wrong. Yet, there is this feeling inside myself that I just cannot put my finger on. It is an energy that I have never felt before, it’s as if it is pushing me forward on to the next best thing in my life. It is that step that will maybe show me the “greatness” that I have become. On one of the many social networking sites that I am on, I have this heading, “Growing into a person I never knew I could be.” To finally accept myself as I am, after so many years of just struggling, and trying to find a place in this world. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of; I know where I stand for myself. I know that I will achieve what I have set out into the world. I also know where I belong, it may not be here in my current state but where ever ‘it’ takes me…let’s just say, I now know my calling.

This Journey has ended, but a New One has just Began; so just try to stop me.

<3 Lesha

“Never is one thing in life, ever the same.”

                Some say, that ‘Change is Inevitable.’ Change, I believe is one of the hardest things to except, in someone’s life, whether your own, mine or anyone else’s. Sometimes you have no idea, when it will begin, when it will end, and when it will start. My life is all about change; it is even hard for me to accept change. Yet, I seem to fall into a pattern once change happens.  I do not know where life is headed, and that scares me quite a bit, because I feel everyone is farther in life than I am at the point of who I am. Some are married, some have kids, and some even have all of that, plus a career.

                I always wonder when it will be my time. When will that guy come in, and sweep me off my feet and when will my career begin? I will never know, but I hope it is soon.

                In a past blog, back in January of 2009, I wrote about a dream where there was a frog that had landed on my leg. Since that dream, I have come across many frogs, whether they were by the door to my apartment, my mom’s place, a park, or even a store; when something was majorly changing. In January of 2009, I met a few people that I know longer call friends, the moment I cut them out of my life, I found myself Happier, I found myself somewhat Less Stressed, and I found a frog on the top of my tire wheel, even though it was a toy, left by one of the apartment kids. When I moved in with my mom, there was a frog at her back door one night, and just recently this past week, there was a frog by the front door.  I have looked up frogs, and the meaning behind them. Many sites have explained that it is a Japanese, Good Luck charm when you see a frog, and when having a frog that faces the door, it is to bring happiness into your home.

                What ever has happened in life, I find myself struggling with a few things as I get older. I also find myself going back to when I was just a teen, and how I had felt, and how some of those feelings are still there. I continue to ask myself, “What the hell am I doing?” Why does something so little make me so upset, and why do I feel like people are not hearing a word that I am saying? These are just some constant questions that I have. Moving on is one of the hardest things that I have done, and have to do.

                Growing up, there was not much change but as I got older into my 20’s, I still have those constant wonders of:

Do people like me?

How do people know who I am?

Why do I walk in the mall, and where I get recognized for some strange reason from all sorts of people, I find them staring?

Why do totally strangers come up to me?

What am I famous for?

Why do people have to judge me just because of the way I look, and how I act? 

Why do I feel I am the dumbest person in all of the people I know, and in a crowd?

Why do I feel that people dislike me?

Why do I feel that I was not well liked in school?

I am sure many of you out there have had maybe similar questions. I see people around, and I see how their lives are, but I often wonder are their lives truly that happy. That I do not know everything is always different behind closed doors. I am growing up trying to find who I am as a person, and trying to remind myself that when I ask these questions about life changes, that I am right where I need to be.

Life is changing, and so far for the past couples days I have had this strange feeling come over me when I leave my current place, that I just recently moved into with a friend. Now every so often, I get feelings where something good is going to happen, and this is one of those feelings – kind of. I really do not know how to explain it, ever since I have seen that frog by my mom’s front door. I feel something is going to happen, I just do not know what, and it is driving me a little nuts. Since these feelings have started, this blog has appeared in my head, and it was telling me to write it, to just go for it.

So, here I am.  Where do I begin? Where do I start? Currently there is a detour in this ever changing life that I lead. Do I go right? Left? Because what I see straight ahead is just a never ending battle of questions that leads me back to my past. It is time to move on, so I think I will go right, because that is how I get out of my desk chair, If I go left, I walk into a wall – which is never a good thing. Basically I am going to start days off with just one foot in front of the other, and take one step at a time.

Yet, the saying is true, “Change is Inevitable.”

“Never is one thing in life, ever the same.” Alesha Hackett 9/4/10  – I should copyright that, Google is not pulling it up. :)

Impressions

Impressions, such a strong word, just trying to look for the definition for the word is even stronger, and possibly harder, it is one of those words that is so hard to define, such as the word ‘normal.’ Well, what does the word mean to me? Impression means to me is, impact. Each person I have met, come in contact one way or another has/have left an impression on me in my life. Over the past year, I have met some interesting, fantastic people, and some not so fantastic. But still they have left an impression.

I have thought of writing this blog for a few days. What made me want to write this is someone that I know, someone that has left such a great impact on my life, someone that I feel is like a mentor, someone that I know that I can go to, and talk to, and get advice from them. She has seen my struggles, my ups and downs. I pray that I have a family like hers, and a husband that will love me dearly, such as her husband has for her. I strive for that. Many of you know how much I just want someone in my life, to love me, to listen to me, to call me on my shit, to just be there when I need them. Yet, I have to follow what my Grandpa has told me, “Alesha, in relationships Patience is a Virtue. Be Patient with the one that will come into your life.”  And, he is right, in all relationships you have to be patient, does not matter what relationship, yet most of all, you have to be patient with the one you want to spend your life with. I say this, because you cannot agree on everything in a relationship, but you have to be patient with each other, and listen to each other.

So, back to what I was saying about impressions. ‘Sometimes the first impression is usually the wrong impression.’ Do I have any of you scratching your head yet, from what I just stated? Let me try to explain. First impressions could always be the last impression, but it can also be the best impression. (I wonder how many times I can say impression in this blog, such a strange, yet dignified word) I dislike the first impression, cause than I always analyze the first impression, and judge (which I despise in myself, because I have been judged too many times), what I just saw, but sometimes my first impressions, are usually wrong, yet other times they are perfectly right on. I guess it comes from observing a crowd of people, when I feel out of my element, and when I just do not really know anyone. I always wonder when I am with a group of people, of how I look, how I act. I also question myself on how people thought of me. But it brings me back to what a teacher has told me. That what I think is not always what people think of me.

To know that I have people in my life that will look out for me, and care for me, and that I have left the impression on them, that I am sweet, caring, and that those same people want the best for me, as I want for myself, makes me smile, and maybe even tear up a bit. To have someone that I barely know, tell me last night, that even barely knowing much of my life, that he thinks I am a great person, and that he knows that I will find someone with what he has with his wife. I replied, “I hope so.” His reply, “I know so.”

I always feel that first impression people see of me is my looks. Maybe it’s the way I was raised, not sure on that, or it could be on how I was treated by a few of my peers, or maybe it is also those Teen Magazines, where the girls are tiny, and they look flawless but what we do not know there is a lot of photo shopping when it comes to magazines. When we look at Magazines, my first impressions are, ‘Damn, I wish I could …’

I have just now come to realize. Impressions can suck! Impressions is almost like judging, I cannot stand being judged, and when I feel like I am judging myself, I have to stop, because it is not me. It is like me going up to a person or even walking by the person or seeing an un-named face in the crowd, and I can see by their expression, and feeling their energy, or the body posture, of someone who looks bored or is happy. They are giving off the vibe that they are Happy or Sad, and it’s the first impression I have of them. But really, whatever is behind our eyes, and into our souls that hold all the secrets that we have been given, or know of about ourselves, is not something that we as people or that person across the way will show through. Everyone has their secrets, so is this why impressions have such a bad name?

So, my question for all of you who read this, when you first met me, what was your impression? Yes, I know I am putting myself out there, and all of you are wondering why? Well, it is because not everyone such as the like of myself and you, have the same impression of the same person that we may know.

The people I know that have left an impact on my life, Thank You! I appreciate that you have given me a little bit of your life to me, even if a few of you do not realize it. I know some do, but this Blog is a Thanks to you! I love keeping the people close to me, even if we maybe more acquaintances than anything else. Some of you I do not talk to often or see often, but you are always in my thoughts.

~ Lesha

Please watch the Video’s below Who do you think is better? The 11 year or the actual group The Script