This Journey has ended, but a New One has just Began

Some often say, “We are our worse critiques.” I would 100% agree. I know how often I get down on myself about certain things or something that happened many years ago and I berate myself over and over.

This past year, more specifically since August of last year, I started noticing things about myself…things that I never got over. It is a healing process…a process that has taken some insight on standing back and looking in on my life from an outside view. How strange it was to do that, putting yourself into that position. Which I seem to do at least once a year, more like a reflection on my life and looking back on things that have happened. But this was a time in my life where not only did I have to look from an outsider’s perspective, I had to look deep within myself. I have to thank a friend for helping me, she stepped in when no one really knew what was going on. But she saw something in me and she gave me the push that I needed. Thank You! You know who you are.

I feel there are certain things that I will always constantly struggle with, which just makes me human. Everyone has their own insecurities, because no one is perfect. We all as humans have our own flaws. Some people just like to point them out to you, when you already know it is true. Yet, the hardest thing to do is to accept those flaws. I have learned that when you accept those insecurities…you are accepting yourself as a whole. To Love Yourself, You have to Accept All of You!

It has taken me a while to get where I am today, a lot of strength, prayers and wrong turn’s; have helped me understand myself. There have been some people in my life over the last few years by just either being an acquaintance or just a one-time chance of meeting each other, that some of their words have stayed with me. A few of them have said, “You give off this glow.” “I never really knew that about you. You always seem so out of reach.” “You’re going to make a name for yourself, I can see that…something about you is just so different.” “You like being unique?” I know that I am different…very different. I am definitely one of those individuals, where people just stop and often have to take a double look. I sometimes feed off my unique weird individualism that I am; which is a great way to describe myself.

My weight has always been an issue well since the 6^th grade, when your body is changing, and when kids were just cruel. What they didn’t know was that same year I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis) and Sport Asthma. I had no metabolism, when most kids had enough energy to run around…I had none. My outlet was listening to music (Backstreet Boys). What some probably don’t know, is that what I was struggling with on the inside, I was bottling and putting those emotions into music and writing; when people really thought I was obsessed with the band, I was merely just doing something that I felt right at the time. They were the ones that kept me from doing something drastic…their music is what kept me going.

So, this last year when I was going through things that I never got over…I would turn on the radio and it would be their (Backstreet Boys) voices that I would hear, often hearing them on my supper break at work, or very early morning while in my vehicle. But it would always be at a time that I needed to hear them the most. I remember back when I started working at the current job that I am at right now. The last thing I remember doing, when I got the fateful call, was putting paint brushes away, and talking to my department manager on how I just wanted to do something with my life that would make a difference. That not just by getting out of this city, but also the store in general. I was leaving for the day, when I got the call and I remember just saying, “I accept!” As this was all playing out, the song that came over the speakers was none other than The Backstreet Boys, “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.” Weeks before while working, was when I decided that I needed to look for a new job; the song playing over the speakers, “Quit Playing Games.”  Till this day, they still ‘follow’ me when I am feeling my lowest and I just need that ‘pick-me-up.’ It is not just them, it is music in general.

I have this interesting perspective on my life and how I think it will play out; often I am wrong. Yet, there is this feeling inside myself that I just cannot put my finger on. It is an energy that I have never felt before, it’s as if it is pushing me forward on to the next best thing in my life. It is that step that will maybe show me the “greatness” that I have become. On one of the many social networking sites that I am on, I have this heading, “Growing into a person I never knew I could be.” To finally accept myself as I am, after so many years of just struggling, and trying to find a place in this world. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of; I know where I stand for myself. I know that I will achieve what I have set out into the world. I also know where I belong, it may not be here in my current state but where ever ‘it’ takes me…let’s just say, I now know my calling.

This Journey has ended, but a New One has just Began; so just try to stop me.

<3 Lesha

Circle

What do you do when you know not everything is okay? You have this feeling of standing in this circle, you’re looking around you notice that no one is standing around this circle, you see that you are all alone and you notice – you have no one to turn to.

This feeling of loneness is something you thought you would never feel, see, or even imagined. But it’s there…it is really there.  You feel the loneliness more at night than you do during the day. During the day you go about your everyday business, but the loneliness is just not as strong. That is when you wear the mask often wondering if you people really notice what you constantly struggle with.  You see people walk by with happy faces laughing, you see couples being sweet, and kid’s playing kickball and wonder; are they feeling the same. Then you look at your life and you know – you are nowhere near the happiness they are at that moment.

Every so often you step out of that circle, you feel the liveliness that you want to hold onto as long as you can – but you know deep down, the moment you come home, that feeling is back that home is just a place to live – that ‘it’ is not home.  ‘It’ is always there, you always come back to that circle, that known feeling of comfort, but when it is not the comfort that you want, it is just the knowing that the moment you walk through your door, putting your keys on the table, purse on the floor, turning on the lights, breathing telling yourself it will get better. You know you are alone it’s the silence that confirms it. Back at this circle every so often you see a few people sneak their head in, sometimes many come and go; other times many of them just leave. A few stand outside and they just watch wondering how crazy you must be, how they cannot understand you, when most of the time you don’t understand yourself that you don’t know who you are. You get told how funny you are, how smart you are, caring, loving, friendly, nice smile, and so on. But who am I really?

You feel the only way to break free from this ‘circle’ is to get up, do something, to feel motivated, to feeling good about oneself – yet the worse of it all is when you don’t have that support, that love. The feeling of unworthiness, “You’re not good enough.” “Stop Eating!” “There she is eating again.” “Have you had enough?” “That doesn’t look good on you.” “You’re Fat!” “Lose weight.” “Don’t get too skinny!” “I’ll have you run along the side of my car and shove fruit down your throat!” “We have nothing in common, you’re a girl – he and I have more in common because we are guys.” “Stop Singing, You suck!” “Shut up!” “I hate you; I wish I could just punch you.” “I don’t listen to you; I tend to block you out.” (Them)

“Leave Me Alone, Stop Yelling at me! Give me a Break! Just listen to me!”

You can only take and hear so much when growing up, before words come back to haunt you, when they are constantly in the back of your mind. But when you mentioned to some, you try to get them to understand why you don’t feel loved. That is why!

You know you are not depressed, you are just alone. The hurt, the bullying, the torments, the feminine products thrown all over the middle school vocal room, spit wades to the back of your head, the name calling from ‘Fatty’ to “I wish I could shove you under a bus,” to letting all the air out of two of your tires, the condom in your Ford Tempo Gas Tank, to threatening me that they wanted to kill me.

Yet you look back you see how far you have come from all the emotional abuse, bullying, and you wonder often for those who feel like they can no longer hold on, that they don’t have enough strength to get through. You Do!

You don’t get to choose your family, but you get to choose your friends. I made it Through! I forgive these people who did this to me. I am a product of a person who bullied me. Who put me down; in return They gave Me Strength to move on. To be the best I can be! To fight for what I want to be! Who I am made to be, who I Strive to be!

Suicide is never the answer and I thought of it plenty in middle school. There are far too many suicides for those who are the victim of bullying because they are different. In the back of my mind I know I am sent here to motivate people, to show people that even though words hurt. You can still prove that you are better than they ever will be.

Life gets better. You will get better, it may take years but you will get better. Have hope keep your faith in God. Stand up for yourself, show them that whatever they do, that you will Not back down, because you a stronger than that.

If you have friends like this they are not your friends to begin with, they don’t know you as a person. Keep your spirit Alive by finding something you are passionate about that you are great at. A bully hates when the victim succeeds, because they know they have lost.

To the bullies, whatever happened in your home life or the person who was doing the same to you, I hope you are stronger for it, that you realize what you did to me and the mistakes you did to others, because you know that you are worthy to of someone loving you for you.

Some say that those who are doing the bullying are just wanting attention because no one is paying attention to them, so for them to get noticed they have to do something drastic. Was that the case for those who bullied me, I think for a few; yes.

To everyone who reads this; I am fine. I am working on a lot of these to get past the hurt that I have bottled for years that I never spoke about, there are very few who know what happened back in Middle School. In High School, I kept to myself, I never felt ‘liked’ in my school but I knew many in different ‘clicks’ that I spoke with that I got a long with. In high school I survived, I was just living day to day. My outlet was working (sometimes depending on manager working); because I knew I could be myself.

I don’t get why I was teased, why I was bullied, or why people just did not like me. But for whatever apparent of reason a part of me feels that I should ‘Thank’ them because I am stronger for what they did. That they taught me to keep on going, even when it gets tough, just to keep treading that water, and that I need to remind myself that I need to motivate myself to taking small steps, that if I keep doing it that I will be great at what I do, at what I am made to be. I’ve been told that I motivate many people every day, by the customers that I talk to, the people that I run into; if I can motivate at least one person a day, than I should be able to motivate myself into working out, to become healthy, to see a first time ever skinny version of myself.  My goal is to lose at least 5-10 pounds a month, all I need to do, is go to a trainer at my gym to see if they will help me along the way, to be my advocate, to push me, to tell me that when it gets too hard in working out then they are right there, that they are just a phone call away, kind of like a Mentor. For when I go to my class reunion I really want people to be surprise, to say, “Who is that?” That is what I wish, besides the normal girl dreams, a family to call her own, a husband to call her best friend, kids to protect, a dog to take for a walk.  I have come far, and that above what I have written, this is what a victim became who stayed strong because of a bully.

Love <3 Alesha