This Journey has ended, but a New One has just Began

Some often say, “We are our worse critiques.” I would 100% agree. I know how often I get down on myself about certain things or something that happened many years ago and I berate myself over and over.

This past year, more specifically since August of last year, I started noticing things about myself…things that I never got over. It is a healing process…a process that has taken some insight on standing back and looking in on my life from an outside view. How strange it was to do that, putting yourself into that position. Which I seem to do at least once a year, more like a reflection on my life and looking back on things that have happened. But this was a time in my life where not only did I have to look from an outsider’s perspective, I had to look deep within myself. I have to thank a friend for helping me, she stepped in when no one really knew what was going on. But she saw something in me and she gave me the push that I needed. Thank You! You know who you are.

I feel there are certain things that I will always constantly struggle with, which just makes me human. Everyone has their own insecurities, because no one is perfect. We all as humans have our own flaws. Some people just like to point them out to you, when you already know it is true. Yet, the hardest thing to do is to accept those flaws. I have learned that when you accept those insecurities…you are accepting yourself as a whole. To Love Yourself, You have to Accept All of You!

It has taken me a while to get where I am today, a lot of strength, prayers and wrong turn’s; have helped me understand myself. There have been some people in my life over the last few years by just either being an acquaintance or just a one-time chance of meeting each other, that some of their words have stayed with me. A few of them have said, “You give off this glow.” “I never really knew that about you. You always seem so out of reach.” “You’re going to make a name for yourself, I can see that…something about you is just so different.” “You like being unique?” I know that I am different…very different. I am definitely one of those individuals, where people just stop and often have to take a double look. I sometimes feed off my unique weird individualism that I am; which is a great way to describe myself.

My weight has always been an issue well since the 6^th grade, when your body is changing, and when kids were just cruel. What they didn’t know was that same year I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis) and Sport Asthma. I had no metabolism, when most kids had enough energy to run around…I had none. My outlet was listening to music (Backstreet Boys). What some probably don’t know, is that what I was struggling with on the inside, I was bottling and putting those emotions into music and writing; when people really thought I was obsessed with the band, I was merely just doing something that I felt right at the time. They were the ones that kept me from doing something drastic…their music is what kept me going.

So, this last year when I was going through things that I never got over…I would turn on the radio and it would be their (Backstreet Boys) voices that I would hear, often hearing them on my supper break at work, or very early morning while in my vehicle. But it would always be at a time that I needed to hear them the most. I remember back when I started working at the current job that I am at right now. The last thing I remember doing, when I got the fateful call, was putting paint brushes away, and talking to my department manager on how I just wanted to do something with my life that would make a difference. That not just by getting out of this city, but also the store in general. I was leaving for the day, when I got the call and I remember just saying, “I accept!” As this was all playing out, the song that came over the speakers was none other than The Backstreet Boys, “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.” Weeks before while working, was when I decided that I needed to look for a new job; the song playing over the speakers, “Quit Playing Games.”  Till this day, they still ‘follow’ me when I am feeling my lowest and I just need that ‘pick-me-up.’ It is not just them, it is music in general.

I have this interesting perspective on my life and how I think it will play out; often I am wrong. Yet, there is this feeling inside myself that I just cannot put my finger on. It is an energy that I have never felt before, it’s as if it is pushing me forward on to the next best thing in my life. It is that step that will maybe show me the “greatness” that I have become. On one of the many social networking sites that I am on, I have this heading, “Growing into a person I never knew I could be.” To finally accept myself as I am, after so many years of just struggling, and trying to find a place in this world. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of; I know where I stand for myself. I know that I will achieve what I have set out into the world. I also know where I belong, it may not be here in my current state but where ever ‘it’ takes me…let’s just say, I now know my calling.

This Journey has ended, but a New One has just Began; so just try to stop me.

<3 Lesha