Frustrated.. UGH!!!

I am frustrated…Frustrated with life, with people using me, and some people in general. It is like I cannot catch a break for once.  Like today for example, it just literally put me in a bad mood. I know today 2/20, that it is snowing, sleeting, and all around the weather is just crappy. I was stuck, my tires could not catch a grip, I was on an icy patch, and 5 people were behind me, 4 trucks, and 1 mini-van. I had trouble, sliding everywhere , and out of those 5 people, guess who helped me after 5 minutes, of struggling, the mini-van. Every single person was a male with 4-wheel drives, except the mini-van. I am sure they were thinking, “Come on lady get a move on.” I just wanted to give them the finger. So, I sat there, screamed a few choice words, than I felt the gentlemen in the mini-van pushing my car. I wanted to get out of my car, to thank him, but did not want to chance in getting stuck, so I honked my horn, put my window down, yelled Thanks, and gave him a wave. It’s people like him that, we need more of instead of these “Jerks” thinking they can get through anything because they have a 4 wheel drive.  I am sorry I am a Women driver, but come on. Depending on how you look at Karma, it can be a good thing, I hope that guy who helped, gets some Great Karma back to him, I pray for good Karma for him. As for the others, you get what you deserve.

Okay, so I am upset – frustrated. I have a right to be. These past 2 years have just not been great, it is like each time I take that step to try to get anywhere something happens, and I have to watch where I go. I believe in Karma, and I have been told/believe in that this is my year, that God knows that I am struggling, have been for awhile, that he is going to help with that. When I said those few choice words, and prayed to him, that guy in the Mini-Van, started to push my car. I literally had tears in my eyes, because I feel I am sometimes not heard.  I am not saying, I am not heard by God himself, I know he always hears what I have to say.

I just want a break; I want to get away from the Dakotas. I need a vacation, I need to rethink, re-plan, and get back into that right frame of mind again, on getting healthy, on trying to be a better me, and to find something to define myself, just a bit little more.  I love writing, but each time I mention something that I want to do, it gets shot down, and people think I am nuts. It feels like there is know, “You can do this, Lesha!” Kind of feels like, whatever I put out there, sharing my hopes, and dreams. I get that seriously-you’ve-got-to-be-kidding look. Whatever I do it gets shot down, by some of the people that I care about. It feels like they do not believe in what I want to do.

I know life is not what we expect it to be, and that we should not expect much, that things in life are just not handed to us on a silver platter, and that we have to work hard for what we want. I believe not 1 outcome is ever the same, and that there is more than 1 way to get where you need to be. It is all about trial and error. Well I feel that this Trial & Error, I have used plenty of times, and it is not working. I am trying to stay sane, to not lose my cool, to not give up hope, and to just be. I am tired of just feeling stuck, and I am tired of the repetitiveness in my life. It is boring; there is no fun, and excitement.  

My Doctors, have no clue where my Migraines are coming from, but they happen for 2 days every month right around the time the bills are due. They are thinking it is stress, I am thinking they are right. They say Stress can cause so many health issues, like all the ones I have, mainly Thyroid, no weight loss, sleepless nights, Migraines, no motivation, and ect…

And so I hope, that this little pity party I just through myself, goes away fast. Basically, I am stating is that: I am Just Tired. Tired of all the BS. Tired of all the people that have used me, kicked me around like I am a rock, and it is getting old real quick. For once I would love for someone to just lift the weight off my shoulders, and carry it around for awhile, and have them feel what it is like to be for once. 

I know I do not have a hard life, and many would think my life is easy. But it is the words that I hear, that seemed to not be going anywhere, and that have always been there since I can remember.

Okay, so ending this blog, because well – I can, I want to, and just because I just got this off of my chest, because I feel when I speak it- No one listens, anyway.

Lesh

So Long 2010!

            I never really know where to begin. I know it has been awhile since I have written or typed (whatever you would like to call it) a blog, in well over a month. A lot has happened this year. I have learned a lot, I have learned that when friends, family, or even other people make a promise, to still not expect that promise to become a reality, and if it does, still do not expect anything. Life should be about surprises, and so far this year has definitely been a surprise, and one the hardest years that I have had in a long, long time.

            I am not sure what 2011 will bring me, but I hope it brings me new insight to things in life, I hope 2011 can define just a little bit more of myself. I hope that whichever comes out about in this messed up situation that is currently going on, will get better, that things will turn around for the better.

            This year in 2010, I have constantly been told that I am sweet, nice, gorgeous, funny, and all around good person. My questions this year are possibly some of the most frequent ask questions about life or about one self, a few would be: ‘If I am such a nice person, why does it feel that I am being used?’ ‘Why does life always throw me curve balls?’ ‘Why do some think, that everything revolves around them?’ ‘When is it my turn . . . ?’

            Everyone has heard the saying, ‘Some of Life questions’ are the hardest life questions, and also the most unanswered questions.’  Or something along those lines, I feel that the life questions that we face, and ask ourselves every day or as often as we can. That there are many answers to those life questions and every single answer is different, because not every one’s life is the same.  

            Trust is one the big things that I have this year, people who I thought I could count on basically put into positions that I have never been in, and is the hardest to get out of. I have always wanted people in my life that I can trust, and the moment that I feel I can trust them, it back fires. I know there are about a handful of people I can trust, and for that I am grateful because without them, I have no clue on where I will be. Yet, I am Thankful for so much this year, even though it may not sound like it . . . I am.

            My goal for 2011, is to get back on track, to let life just lead, and to let things happen, even things that I have no control over, to become healthy again, to learn a new way of relieving stress, to be more in the moment with things, because before we know it we may get sideswiped and really lose track on what is most important.   I have always said, ‘that you have to choose to be happy,’ and I think I lost that a bit.  There is no reason, besides life just gets crazy, but for me that is a lame excuse. I am content currently in my life, with unwanted stress, that I wish would magically disappear.

            I have learned this year, not everything is going to go the way I expect or wish for them to go. I know there is a plan out there for me, and that plan I know will define a big part of who I am as a person. I have so many dreams, and hopes for the future. I plan on going to college, sometime in the fall of 2011 or beginning of 2012, I feel I need something to fall back on things. Now I just have to decide what I would like to do:  Account Management with a minor in Marketing,  Graphic Communications with a minor in Marketing & Advertising.

            So, as the end of my year of 2010…I hope 2011 will be a lot better, happier, and less stress as much as possible. But currently is not starting out that way. Cross your fingers, and pray for the best.

            As, a lady told me today, “this too shall pass.” I hope this lady has a very happy, who was told that she will not see the day of her 49th Birthday, and she just turned 49, 3 days ago, and they gave her another 2-3 years to live. I hope, and pray for the best for her. I hope she continues with the humor that she has in life.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Years!

~ Lesha

“Never is one thing in life, ever the same.”

                Some say, that ‘Change is Inevitable.’ Change, I believe is one of the hardest things to except, in someone’s life, whether your own, mine or anyone else’s. Sometimes you have no idea, when it will begin, when it will end, and when it will start. My life is all about change; it is even hard for me to accept change. Yet, I seem to fall into a pattern once change happens.  I do not know where life is headed, and that scares me quite a bit, because I feel everyone is farther in life than I am at the point of who I am. Some are married, some have kids, and some even have all of that, plus a career.

                I always wonder when it will be my time. When will that guy come in, and sweep me off my feet and when will my career begin? I will never know, but I hope it is soon.

                In a past blog, back in January of 2009, I wrote about a dream where there was a frog that had landed on my leg. Since that dream, I have come across many frogs, whether they were by the door to my apartment, my mom’s place, a park, or even a store; when something was majorly changing. In January of 2009, I met a few people that I know longer call friends, the moment I cut them out of my life, I found myself Happier, I found myself somewhat Less Stressed, and I found a frog on the top of my tire wheel, even though it was a toy, left by one of the apartment kids. When I moved in with my mom, there was a frog at her back door one night, and just recently this past week, there was a frog by the front door.  I have looked up frogs, and the meaning behind them. Many sites have explained that it is a Japanese, Good Luck charm when you see a frog, and when having a frog that faces the door, it is to bring happiness into your home.

                What ever has happened in life, I find myself struggling with a few things as I get older. I also find myself going back to when I was just a teen, and how I had felt, and how some of those feelings are still there. I continue to ask myself, “What the hell am I doing?” Why does something so little make me so upset, and why do I feel like people are not hearing a word that I am saying? These are just some constant questions that I have. Moving on is one of the hardest things that I have done, and have to do.

                Growing up, there was not much change but as I got older into my 20’s, I still have those constant wonders of:

Do people like me?

How do people know who I am?

Why do I walk in the mall, and where I get recognized for some strange reason from all sorts of people, I find them staring?

Why do totally strangers come up to me?

What am I famous for?

Why do people have to judge me just because of the way I look, and how I act? 

Why do I feel I am the dumbest person in all of the people I know, and in a crowd?

Why do I feel that people dislike me?

Why do I feel that I was not well liked in school?

I am sure many of you out there have had maybe similar questions. I see people around, and I see how their lives are, but I often wonder are their lives truly that happy. That I do not know everything is always different behind closed doors. I am growing up trying to find who I am as a person, and trying to remind myself that when I ask these questions about life changes, that I am right where I need to be.

Life is changing, and so far for the past couples days I have had this strange feeling come over me when I leave my current place, that I just recently moved into with a friend. Now every so often, I get feelings where something good is going to happen, and this is one of those feelings – kind of. I really do not know how to explain it, ever since I have seen that frog by my mom’s front door. I feel something is going to happen, I just do not know what, and it is driving me a little nuts. Since these feelings have started, this blog has appeared in my head, and it was telling me to write it, to just go for it.

So, here I am.  Where do I begin? Where do I start? Currently there is a detour in this ever changing life that I lead. Do I go right? Left? Because what I see straight ahead is just a never ending battle of questions that leads me back to my past. It is time to move on, so I think I will go right, because that is how I get out of my desk chair, If I go left, I walk into a wall – which is never a good thing. Basically I am going to start days off with just one foot in front of the other, and take one step at a time.

Yet, the saying is true, “Change is Inevitable.”

“Never is one thing in life, ever the same.” Alesha Hackett 9/4/10  – I should copyright that, Google is not pulling it up. :)

Impressions

Impressions, such a strong word, just trying to look for the definition for the word is even stronger, and possibly harder, it is one of those words that is so hard to define, such as the word ‘normal.’ Well, what does the word mean to me? Impression means to me is, impact. Each person I have met, come in contact one way or another has/have left an impression on me in my life. Over the past year, I have met some interesting, fantastic people, and some not so fantastic. But still they have left an impression.

I have thought of writing this blog for a few days. What made me want to write this is someone that I know, someone that has left such a great impact on my life, someone that I feel is like a mentor, someone that I know that I can go to, and talk to, and get advice from them. She has seen my struggles, my ups and downs. I pray that I have a family like hers, and a husband that will love me dearly, such as her husband has for her. I strive for that. Many of you know how much I just want someone in my life, to love me, to listen to me, to call me on my shit, to just be there when I need them. Yet, I have to follow what my Grandpa has told me, “Alesha, in relationships Patience is a Virtue. Be Patient with the one that will come into your life.”  And, he is right, in all relationships you have to be patient, does not matter what relationship, yet most of all, you have to be patient with the one you want to spend your life with. I say this, because you cannot agree on everything in a relationship, but you have to be patient with each other, and listen to each other.

So, back to what I was saying about impressions. ‘Sometimes the first impression is usually the wrong impression.’ Do I have any of you scratching your head yet, from what I just stated? Let me try to explain. First impressions could always be the last impression, but it can also be the best impression. (I wonder how many times I can say impression in this blog, such a strange, yet dignified word) I dislike the first impression, cause than I always analyze the first impression, and judge (which I despise in myself, because I have been judged too many times), what I just saw, but sometimes my first impressions, are usually wrong, yet other times they are perfectly right on. I guess it comes from observing a crowd of people, when I feel out of my element, and when I just do not really know anyone. I always wonder when I am with a group of people, of how I look, how I act. I also question myself on how people thought of me. But it brings me back to what a teacher has told me. That what I think is not always what people think of me.

To know that I have people in my life that will look out for me, and care for me, and that I have left the impression on them, that I am sweet, caring, and that those same people want the best for me, as I want for myself, makes me smile, and maybe even tear up a bit. To have someone that I barely know, tell me last night, that even barely knowing much of my life, that he thinks I am a great person, and that he knows that I will find someone with what he has with his wife. I replied, “I hope so.” His reply, “I know so.”

I always feel that first impression people see of me is my looks. Maybe it’s the way I was raised, not sure on that, or it could be on how I was treated by a few of my peers, or maybe it is also those Teen Magazines, where the girls are tiny, and they look flawless but what we do not know there is a lot of photo shopping when it comes to magazines. When we look at Magazines, my first impressions are, ‘Damn, I wish I could …’

I have just now come to realize. Impressions can suck! Impressions is almost like judging, I cannot stand being judged, and when I feel like I am judging myself, I have to stop, because it is not me. It is like me going up to a person or even walking by the person or seeing an un-named face in the crowd, and I can see by their expression, and feeling their energy, or the body posture, of someone who looks bored or is happy. They are giving off the vibe that they are Happy or Sad, and it’s the first impression I have of them. But really, whatever is behind our eyes, and into our souls that hold all the secrets that we have been given, or know of about ourselves, is not something that we as people or that person across the way will show through. Everyone has their secrets, so is this why impressions have such a bad name?

So, my question for all of you who read this, when you first met me, what was your impression? Yes, I know I am putting myself out there, and all of you are wondering why? Well, it is because not everyone such as the like of myself and you, have the same impression of the same person that we may know.

The people I know that have left an impact on my life, Thank You! I appreciate that you have given me a little bit of your life to me, even if a few of you do not realize it. I know some do, but this Blog is a Thanks to you! I love keeping the people close to me, even if we maybe more acquaintances than anything else. Some of you I do not talk to often or see often, but you are always in my thoughts.

~ Lesha

Please watch the Video’s below Who do you think is better? The 11 year or the actual group The Script

How does one live ones life?…

Before I start this blog, I just want to say if this blog offends anyone, well so be it. This is my opinion, if you do not like it, go read something else. It is that simple.

Recently I had a person come up to me telling me that I should not hang out with my friends that I have been hanging out with. I was told by this person that I should not associate myself with them, too.  I want to put this out there, why, because I am human. I am still shocked that this person still feels that she can still tell me what to do, and how to do it. I am a grown woman, who is very independent, I also live out on my own, so why does she think, and may possibly feel that she has to tell me how to live my life, and who I can and can not hang with. She doesn’t. No one in my life can tell me what to do, who to hang with, and how to live my life.

The friends I have been hanging out with are Gay, they are also Drag Queens. I love them because of who they are. I have tried countless of times trying to explain to this person, that they did not choose to be Gay, they were born Gay, God made them that way. They chose to dress in Drag for Entertainment purposes use only. From what I know from my friends, they do it because its fun, they do not want to be a female.  We straight folks do not need to understand why they do what they do. Because it is none of our business on how they choose to live their life, just like they do not care how we straight people choose to live our lives.  The Gays I know respect us Straight people, because they know first hand on how it is to be discriminated against for who they are.  They are just like us Straight folks, they put one leg in at a time, have regular jobs, they go out and have fun. The only difference is they are attracted to the same sex.

Why is that so hard for some to understand that we have no say on how one lives in ones life? If you met my friends, you would know they are some of the nicest people you will ever meet in your life. The moment I met them, I finally felt that I was not judged. When I am hanging with them and their friends. I am not judged. Every day in this world, we as humans whether you are GLBT, straight or a different nationality, we are judged by how we look, what we eat, who we hang with, by the car we are driving, and plus so many other things.  Judgement is wrong and down right cruel.

My whole life since I can remember I have always been judged till I started hanging with my new found friends. Why because they know how it is also to be judged, because they were born Gay. We humans are like a book, every time you look, you judge that book by that cover, back to front. Before you see a person that looks different than you, acts different than you. Do not judge, becuase maybe that person needs someone like you in their life. Get to know the person if you need to or simply look away.

In this society we were raised by our parents, who were raised by their parents, and so on. We were told by our parents that there is only one way to live in this society, through only a man and woman through marriage and also through the churches. Over the years, most of society or I think most have come to an understanding that there is more than one way to live. Those who were raised, were taught by churches and families that there was only one way to live, do not accept the fact that there is more than one way.  Times have changed. Society is changing. If only we can change the minds of those who think there is only one way to live. Which I am sure it will take some great power to do so.

You choose to live your life the way you want to live it, you fix the mistakes that you make, and no one can fix them for you. We should not always understand what life throws our way. It is not for us as humans to understand the way a person lives their life. The person in my life I feel needs to understand that. She also needs to understand that before you know someone that you should not judge them. Which made me think of something. Growing up I have been told by a few people that I should care what I look like, that I should not care what people think, only what they think.

To me that is almost like contradicting yourself a bit. I care what I look like, I care what they think but I also care what others think, cause I love hearing people’s opinions on certain subjects. But in the end I have been told by the same people that I should not care what they think. Does that make sense to any of you? I mean really, maybe it is because of the way I am now, maybe it is because I am so self concious on how I look, or how I am act. Maybe that is why I have so little self confidence in my self, because these people that I know, love, and care for actually judged me to my face, told me things that one should not hear in their life time. Maybe that is why I care so much and respect those so much who are different than me, who lead a different life style than I do. But those who I have known for so long, do like the fact how one lives, in ones life. Because maybe they did not go through the same judgement that I did when growing up.

My life is changing, and if friends and family can not accept that, than how can you accept me. I am still me, just with more confidence. I am still the sweet, caring girl, that likes to take care of children, that still kinda stares into the mirror to make faces. (<<thats another story). I am not changing for anyone, no one can change me, I am changing for myself. Change happens, and when change happens we have to accept it, whether we like it or not. And Yes, Change is very hard no matter what the circumstances are. But Change is good.

I am excited for Iowa of all places that have passed for Gay marriages. Iowa is a big farming state, and out of all the states, it is Iowa.Which shocks me. The City, that stands for the initials, “Idiots Out Wondering Around.” Well, currently they are far from being idiots give or take a few people that I know that live in Iowa. :) I say that with love (insert sarcasm:)) LOL.   But Really I am excited, because maybe in the future when my friends are ready to settle down, they can get married and move to Iowa or something, because I have a feeling it will be a long time before SD even passes the Gay Marriage.

Anyway, I hope those who read this blog enjoyed it, and I hope to hear your opinions, now I will remind you. I may not like your opinion, but I will accept what you have to say. :)

~Lesha