Impressions

Impressions, such a strong word, just trying to look for the definition for the word is even stronger, and possibly harder, it is one of those words that is so hard to define, such as the word ‘normal.’ Well, what does the word mean to me? Impression means to me is, impact. Each person I have met, come in contact one way or another has/have left an impression on me in my life. Over the past year, I have met some interesting, fantastic people, and some not so fantastic. But still they have left an impression.

I have thought of writing this blog for a few days. What made me want to write this is someone that I know, someone that has left such a great impact on my life, someone that I feel is like a mentor, someone that I know that I can go to, and talk to, and get advice from them. She has seen my struggles, my ups and downs. I pray that I have a family like hers, and a husband that will love me dearly, such as her husband has for her. I strive for that. Many of you know how much I just want someone in my life, to love me, to listen to me, to call me on my shit, to just be there when I need them. Yet, I have to follow what my Grandpa has told me, “Alesha, in relationships Patience is a Virtue. Be Patient with the one that will come into your life.”  And, he is right, in all relationships you have to be patient, does not matter what relationship, yet most of all, you have to be patient with the one you want to spend your life with. I say this, because you cannot agree on everything in a relationship, but you have to be patient with each other, and listen to each other.

So, back to what I was saying about impressions. ‘Sometimes the first impression is usually the wrong impression.’ Do I have any of you scratching your head yet, from what I just stated? Let me try to explain. First impressions could always be the last impression, but it can also be the best impression. (I wonder how many times I can say impression in this blog, such a strange, yet dignified word) I dislike the first impression, cause than I always analyze the first impression, and judge (which I despise in myself, because I have been judged too many times), what I just saw, but sometimes my first impressions, are usually wrong, yet other times they are perfectly right on. I guess it comes from observing a crowd of people, when I feel out of my element, and when I just do not really know anyone. I always wonder when I am with a group of people, of how I look, how I act. I also question myself on how people thought of me. But it brings me back to what a teacher has told me. That what I think is not always what people think of me.

To know that I have people in my life that will look out for me, and care for me, and that I have left the impression on them, that I am sweet, caring, and that those same people want the best for me, as I want for myself, makes me smile, and maybe even tear up a bit. To have someone that I barely know, tell me last night, that even barely knowing much of my life, that he thinks I am a great person, and that he knows that I will find someone with what he has with his wife. I replied, “I hope so.” His reply, “I know so.”

I always feel that first impression people see of me is my looks. Maybe it’s the way I was raised, not sure on that, or it could be on how I was treated by a few of my peers, or maybe it is also those Teen Magazines, where the girls are tiny, and they look flawless but what we do not know there is a lot of photo shopping when it comes to magazines. When we look at Magazines, my first impressions are, ‘Damn, I wish I could …’

I have just now come to realize. Impressions can suck! Impressions is almost like judging, I cannot stand being judged, and when I feel like I am judging myself, I have to stop, because it is not me. It is like me going up to a person or even walking by the person or seeing an un-named face in the crowd, and I can see by their expression, and feeling their energy, or the body posture, of someone who looks bored or is happy. They are giving off the vibe that they are Happy or Sad, and it’s the first impression I have of them. But really, whatever is behind our eyes, and into our souls that hold all the secrets that we have been given, or know of about ourselves, is not something that we as people or that person across the way will show through. Everyone has their secrets, so is this why impressions have such a bad name?

So, my question for all of you who read this, when you first met me, what was your impression? Yes, I know I am putting myself out there, and all of you are wondering why? Well, it is because not everyone such as the like of myself and you, have the same impression of the same person that we may know.

The people I know that have left an impact on my life, Thank You! I appreciate that you have given me a little bit of your life to me, even if a few of you do not realize it. I know some do, but this Blog is a Thanks to you! I love keeping the people close to me, even if we maybe more acquaintances than anything else. Some of you I do not talk to often or see often, but you are always in my thoughts.

~ Lesha

Please watch the Video’s below Who do you think is better? The 11 year or the actual group The Script

“Live Forever, Forever”

Hey Everyone, I thought I would post a story for you all to read. It has been awhile since I wrote a short story, or even a poem for that matter. Here you go:

“Live Forever”

It has been a hazy day, trying to survive that inner turmoil in me. My head feels as if it is just floating above, headache after headache. Not even looking at light is making it harder to see. My vision leaves me the moment I lay my head down, and call out for sleep.

In my somewhat insanely, peaceful dream, my life seems to be perfect. when in all reality it is far from it. Not one information can lead me to self-destruction. I wonder in this dream, thinking if any one has any real idea of how strong I am, and why they do not give me the information that I need to survive.  I see their mouths move, but I hear no words. Some look at me disgustedly, others look on with concern, and worry. I am standing in the middle, I swear that is some type of vortex that is spinning out of control, everyone is spinning. What’s happening? Then they Vanish. I’m alone – alone in that room, full and white. All I can do is turn around, yet still in that same spot. A lone figure I see all of a sudden, standing there – arms open. Do I walk? Who is he? I feel that he is radiating some type of energy towards me, almost like comfort. Is he my comfort in my conscience, all decked out in some deep rural blue, and black? Now that is strange ‘black,’ why black?

Something inside me pulls me toward him, yet as soon as I wrap my arms around him, he too vanishes. “How do I survive? How do I get out of here? Where can I go?” As soon as I asked that last question, the scenery surrounds me of mountain rocks, and clear blue sky. “Do I jump? Climb down? Sit? Slide down?” Than I am all of sudden I’m being pulled down the longest slide imaginable. “AAAHHHH!” I scream.

My heart a racing. “How do I stop?” I bend my knees trying to stop the force by my shoes. I start to smell rubber. I stop all of a sudden, being thrown into a pool of a water, but I don’t think its a pool, has to be the ocean, yet the water is so clear, I see my legs struggling. I try swimming to the surface, with my head soon rising above the water.  I see a beach, full of people, I swim towards them. I arrive at the beach still fully clothed, all eyes on me as if it was burning a hole through my head. I walk as a few people stare, the beach is soon crowded with people, on going lookers. “Take a picture I may look better to you” I mumble to myself.

Turning around looking out into the water as I sit myself down. The sun seems to be setting, the beach seems to be less crowdied than what it was, that felt like less than 5 minutes ago. The sun beats down on me, and shines into my eyes, bright enough for me to hold my arm up near my eyesight, to block the rays, and its gone. All I see is reddish-orange tint to the clear starry night.

It breaks, I feel it shattered. “What happened to Live Forever, Forever?” What is this pain? I feel this pain, it’s all over me. It shakes me to my core to the point I have to tell myself to, “Breath… Breath… Breath.” I slowly inhale, and exhale, and repeating all over again.

I stand on my feet, and slowly venture myself to the water front as the waves crash against the shore, and I soon find myself in far enough where the water is crashing in and out of my feet. I look towards the sky, hoping for a realization about life. Looking for something to just attack me out of no where.

And so it hits me, right in the back …full force, making me fall forward, knees first. I turn around, and there again is another lone figure, but this time yelling, “Get Back Up!” I stand, and again I get hit by something. The lone figure is still yelling, “Get Back Up!”  I stand facing him, and I am knocked down for the third time. “Am I suppose to stay down? I am always knocked down?” Yelling, “I Need Your Support! Help me Up!?”  A force pushes me up, I turn around, and I feel this light, and see this light holding me up, and pulling me back to this lone figure, that is standing there in nothing but his sandels, and swim trunks, and me still in my wet clothes. I feel his breath behind my ear, than a soft whisper, “Follow me.” I follow.

I jerk awake from the crazy, insanely dream like state, that my sleeping body put me in. “What the Hell?” I said to no one, it’s only me, alone. I look towards my mirror, seeing myself. “What a dream?” I lay back down in my head, pondering what happened and what the dream meant, all I can remember for the words that were said, “Live Forever, Forever,” and “Follow Me.”

I climb out of bed to start the day, grabbing my things, while the dream still rested in me. I hear my cell ring, but pay no attention to the constant screeching of what ever theme it is.

“Follow me,” I hear as I stand in my apartment. “Follow you, where?” I say to no one, this must confirm, I am insane. I can hear voices.

“Follow.”

“Follow, What!?”

“Follow. Follow. Follow. Just Follow.”

“Okay, I’ll follow, but follow you where?” I say to the voice, even though I sound pretty damn crazy,  I will even give myself that credit.

“Live Forever.” Is what I hear next. “For Goodness, Pete’s. Alrighty, Yet Just so you know everyone dies! You, cannot Live Forever. Unless if someone wants to remember that You will Forever Live!” I said to the voice.

“You Live Forever, when you just Live!”

I looked up towards the sound coming from my living room, “Well, you should know. You are now following me in my reality, not my dream.”

I go on with my day, since that morning, for the rest of day, I can not get the fact that this voice was following me, telling me to “Live Forever,” and to “Follow him.”  What does it mean to “Live Forever?” I ask to myself, the concept is not that far fetch, yet I feel in myself that it means, that I just have to Live… Live as if it was your last, so Live Forever, in no matter what circumstances life throws at you specially in the weather of our lives. Our Lives, I guess you can say is like the weather, It sure can be Sad(Rain), Happy(Sunny), Calm(a Fall Night), Crazy(Tornado).  So, Yet I follow, I follow my instincts to get me through each day, and night. I follow what I feel, and what I hear in myself.

“Live Forever, but also Follow your life that you feel what is right. We will continue to look for a way to survive the weather in our lives, and the follow, that will lead us to our destination, even if it is to self-destruction. We are our worse credict. Live Forever, so We can survive our Tonight.”

The End…

Please listen to the song, this story is somewhat based on this song, and what ever came to my mind while I was typing this story, that took since 12pm to write. “Live Forever” by Matt Morris

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8IYIOTUat4

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Please Comment, Always appreciated

~ Lesha

Who is that Girl in the Mirror?

It Amazes me, how a few people who I know, but barely know – ( you know what I mean?) – have told me, how healthy I look, and how proud they are of me, for what I have accomplished thus far, and those who I do know pretty well, have said the same. Yet to me it feels pretty amazing when someone you do not see that often, or do not even really know, takes notice, and is Happy for you. This too, makes me also Happy.

I know there has been many times where I have said, that ‘I am truly happy.’ What I feel in this moment is… Contentment. In life, I have realized, and I know a few people out there need to realize this , too … is that we as humans will never be truly satisfied with ourselves. There is always a piece of fat that we will grab on, and tell ourselves, “I am fat, I need to lose weight.” Another would be “OMG! I have a Zit! What am I going to do? I can’t go out looking like this!”   It really is not the end of the world, but in that moment – it is.

I have come to the conclusion, that everyone in one way or another is self conscious about physical appearance to how they look to others, or even in a photo. It is the littlest things that we see, that we do not like, but to others,  they may see that flaw that makes us… Us!  Life is never perfect, nor will it ever be perfect. Flaws – is what makes us – Us! Accept It, and Embrace It! It is thee major thing that I have never done in my life, yet, I am slowly trying.  

Of course, I am going to have days, where I just look into the mirror, and just look at myself, and think or say, ‘What the hell happened last night? Was the dream that bad to make me this Ugly?” As for this morning 2/12/2010, I awoke by hitting my alarm clock from 8:30am to 9:3oam, and having my mom call me at 9:30 to make sure I was up. So, I jumped out of bed, to get ready – well not really, I laid in my bed for another 10 minutes or so, got up, and looked at myself in the mirror. How can you not when your Vanity mirror gives you the full length of what you look like every morning and every day?  I looked in that mirror, and I Laughed! My hair was a mess, it looked like an Afro, all curly, and with many snarls, and well I guess this is what I get when I go to bed with my full on wet head of hair.  I grab my things heading into the bathroom, laughing on the way, than again looking into another mirror, in my bathroom(really I am not that conceded), still laughing at myself, and thinking about the previous night, and I smiled.  I than continued to think that when ever, I have had long hair, I remember it being wavy, so seeing that curl, I know my long hair is just around the corner.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Can you believe it, that it is finally 2010, in 3 years that means I have been out of High School for 10 Years!?  Time sure has flown by since I have graduated High School, I most certainly have changed. I am a little out there, and in times find myself quite boring, since I have graduated.

In 2009, my life changed not really for the better though, health wise – yes. But I also met a few new people, and I started hanging with them, before I knew it I lost myself, and lost everything I worked hard for. Picking up those pieces sure is hard, which is what I am currently doing right now. Its going to take a while for me to get back on my feet. It is time again, that I start taking care of myself, start going for my goals, and start being the person, that I know that I can be.

In 2009, I also realized who my true friends are. You know who you are, and you know you will always be by my side. You have seen me change over the years, and you have seen that I have struggled, and for one of you – You truly know me as a person, I Thank You for your friendship over the year, may many more, and for future use, Thank You!

This 2009, was the hardest year for me from family issues with my dad, to my dad being in the hospital, to finding out (which was a Great lesson learned) on how some people I met a long the way this year, can fully take you, and use you, with out you even realizing what they are doing, but everyone else tends to see it, and to being sick with stomach issues – from infections to gallbladder issues.

Life for me will never be the same, I can not live in the past, I have to live for the present, I will never know my future even though it scares me, like you would not believe, but isn’t that what transition is all about. Over the years, I have slowly transitioned into someone who is Independent, who just wants to learn as much as I can, even in little time. Every day is a learning experience, and every day is a transition period. Life can change at any given moment. My future 2010, I feel is going to be bright for me, a few friends, I know for a fact will leave my life, and when that time comes, I will transition that part of my life, at that time. I also know now that I can not worry about others, on what they are doing with their life, it is time, (and I know have said this countless of times), that Ineed start taking care of myself, from every aspect, it is time for me to truly be Happy, even though there is that void in my life, that seems that is not fulfilled yet. It is time that the person who walks into my life, and into my heart to take that void away. It is time for me to settle down, and make a family. That is what I want for myself. I know its not going to happen now, but I pray that the person who will love me for countless years from now walks into my life this year of 2010.

What ever 2010, throughs my way, I may not be ready, but I certainly can gaurantee that I will try to handle the situation to the best of my ability, and that is all I can live for. If I do not make people happy, just be happy, that we are alive, be happy with what you got. You have to be happy with yourself before you make any else happy. That is one of the hardest things that I am trying to learn in my life. 

A few things I am happy about is the fact that in one year, I have lost a total of 60 pounds, and my best friend had a baby girl, who I kind of adopted as my niece, and the future flower girl for when ever I do get married, along with the fact, I met some new people, even though I do not see some of these folks often, I know by the times I have talked to them, and how they listen to me, I know they have lead a life, that made them wise beyond their years, and the fact they taught me a few things about life, that I just keep to myself. :)

My goals for 2010 are, but not necissarily in this order:

Lose the 57 pounds – to hit my goal weight of 150, by my 26th Birthday.

Eating No Carbs! (This is gonna be Hard)

Exercise 4 times a week, with 3 days out of the week doing pilaties at home.

Move into a Condo, that I can finally call “My Own.”

Be Patient for the Love of my Life.

To Try and do a Video blog about life, to where the camera follows me to the gym, so everyone can see all my sweatiness. This is also for myself, too, I want to look back on the video for future use to show how far I have come in my weightloss, and my struggles with life. This video would be like a transition of sorts.

Last but not least, To be Happy with Myself!.

As I leave this blog, I have to remember the words that a teacher once said, “Alesha you see what you think people see. You are Beautiful person, that is what people see.”

To those who read my blog, Thank You, for being patient for all the times I have not updated. Hope 2010 brings Happiness for every single one of you.

~Lesha

I got a feeling…

         Changes come and go, they are most of the time unexpected, and even sometimes you know the change is coming. Loosing weight I knew I was going to change whether if it be for the better or not. I have always known along the way in my life, that the people I meet, are going to change me. I take a little bit of each and every person, that they bring to me, it maybe their personality, it could be even a little bit of their style, and the way they may even carry themselves. A few have told me that my opinions on certain subjects have changed, yet have you really talked to me about them. Have you really asked me what I believe in? You maybe surprise at what I say sometimes, you may think I am a naive girl, that does not know what she is talking about. All I am trying to do in life is learn every chance I get. One of my biggest pet peeves lately, and for many of you, who have known me since I was a youngster, knew I was always getting teased, and being laughed at. Now when I ask a question there have been a few people who would laugh at me, when I am simply learning, and hearing their point a views on which ever topic we are talking about . There are things in my life that I may never understand, or get. But isn’t that life, becuase if we understood everything that was thrown at us, wouldn’t our lives be pretty much boring, and wouldn’t that make us not able to learn new things, if we just simply understood. Maybe it makes sense to me.

          In life we are supposed to grow into a person that our parents, hoped and dreamed for us to be. We may not follow the path that they dreamed for us. But I can gaurantee you that they dreamed for us to be Happy with ourselves, our lives, and most of all to make a family. To be the parents that they were to us, and maybe just a little bit better, for our parents may think that some of the things that they have done for us or not, were some of the biggest mistakes that they have ever made. Parents, a word of advice, let your children decide what they want to be, how they want to dress, have them make their own descisions, and let them learn. Do not shelter them. I have been sheltered for much of my life, and for the past year since weight loss, there are things that I wish I never got to see, but happy to know I got to see, cuase I know in my life, that is not how I want to live. My life is not built on going out, drinking, parting every night. My life is built on the fact that I have great people surrounding me, that my family every single one of them, and not just my brother brought me up to be considerate of others, to be respectful, and to be non-judgemental. I have no where to judge, I have been judged for far too long in my life, to know that actions and words hurt, to know for a fact when someone is lieing to me, to my face.  I am an observer. I watched every thing, I see the smallest details that many do not see. I remember the smallest memories, that many tend to forget, even when those memories are even the worse for all of us, I remember them.  I wish I did not have a good memory when it came to things like that. But I do, and that is something that I will have to live with.

          Life has been great, yet for the past few months it has been very stressful. I am financially stressed, which I am actually not that bad in a shape, I am actually doing pretty good, better than most I have been told by my bank, and my mom. I am also stressed for the fact, that I feel that my life seems to not going any where, and I have been coming pretty impatient, and been quite snappy at a few people, with my mom taking most of the brink of my snappy attitude. But she understands, she knows I am changing, and that this change has been pretty hard on me, when usually it is pretty easy for me to accept.

         I have learned that there a few new pet peeves in my life, here is the list:

1. No Commensence.

2. People who do not put on their blinker

3. When you ask a question, and that person looks at you, as if you just asked the dumbest question around, than they laugh. Than they don’t answer, for you argueing with them. Than they answer, but they reply I was not laughing at you. Uh, yeah, you were. Duh!

4. People who think that everything revolves around them

5. People who think they are better than everyone else.

6. People who are lazy. Get up & do something. That is why You have legs! That is why your parents taught you how to walk.

7. When you can not pick up after yourself. No wonder me & my mom fought a lot growing up. It really is a Pet Peeve.

8. Taping of the pen/clicking of the nails. Basically this is almost everyones pet peeve

9. People who do not listen. I know when someone is listening to me, and I know when someone isn’t. Grow up in a family where a few members have told me, “Alesha stop talking. We are not listening to you.” I have picked up on a few things when someone is not listening.

10. Last but not least. When someone sits back says how horable their life is, when they really do not know how bad it is, or how lucky they actually are.

          Okay, so I am frusterated, if you can not tell. Am I the only that sometimes feels this way, to all the above Pet Peeves?

          Life is what you make of it, so live it to the best of your ability. Do not let people drag you down, take advantage of you, use you, and throw you away like a dirty napkin. You are better than that, so stand up for yourself. Life will never be perfect, it will never be a straight and narrow road. It will be hilly, bumpy, curvy, ups and downs, and every now and than there will be a few detours, stop signs, cross roads for a new direction you can take, along with wind, thunderstorms, tornadoes, and rain for your tears.  Show to the people that you can do something with your life, give them something that you can be proud about.

          I realized life will never go the way that you want to go, G-d has a plan for all of us. He knew that we would make the sins in our lives, I believe that he wants us to learn from our mistakes, and that he is always there for us to lean on, he is there for us to show us the way when we need, Yet a few times he has told me, “Alesha, this is all you. This is what you wanted to learn. I am showing you what can happen if you want to lead this life. It is your descision to make. I am here when you need me, standing by you, guiding you, and protecting you when you are too far in, I can pull you out.”  

          Months ago, I wrote a blog or I may have tried to write a blog about it. I had a friend one night that continued to tell me I was beautiful over, over, and over again. My confidence has gain, yet I still think of myself not beautiful. But I do try to tell myself every day that I look great, that today can be a good day.

          And so my anthem song for 2009 is by Black Eyed Peas – “I Got a Feeling”

          I know the words are not really me. But I love the beat of the song, and I have to keep telling myself that, “tonight is gonna be a good good night.” And maybe it just will.

         So after you have read this blog my friends & family, What are some of your Pet Peeves?

~Lesha

Imagine…

I imagine myself 5, sometimes 10 years from now, wondering where I am, what I am doing, who I am as a person. I imagine myself with at least 2 kids, possibly 3 kids, married, busy. I imagine myself walking back and forth with papers at my job, always running around for someone or even for myself. I see myself as Happy, and enjoying life. I see the person that put the past behind her. I see her standing at the kitchen counter with long hair in a pony-tail, with make-up on, a smile on my face, my head turned talking to who ever is in my kitchen with me. I see a few kids sitting at the counter eating a sandwich, one about 5 years old, and the other about 8 years old. I imagine the sun shining through the window and the sliding glass door. I hear laughter, knowing that what ever was said had to be funny.  I feel the atmosphere is very relaxed, very laid back. Must be a celebration, I see friends and family walking into the kitchen, hugs all around.

Many have asked me, where do you see yourself in 5 – 10 years? Well, there is your answer. I see life being… I see that what ever has happened in my life is put behind me, what ever pasts that have brought me where I am now, are long gone. I do not see life to be perfect, but I see that I am happy. I see myself enjoying life for me, and my family, along with friends, and everyone else alike that are around me.

What ever you picture later in life such as the 5 – 10 years from now question. Is that life is not always going to be how you imagine it to be. Just like, how I imagine my life to be up at top. But that is where I do see myself as. I see myself Happy.

I see myself Happier than I am now. My Journey thus far has been going great. I know that each road I take there will be bumps and bruises, yet there will always be someone, or something that I can look at that reminds me of lifes greatest pleasures. Like when ever I see a full moon, or even looking at the moon, something stops me in my tracks, that shows me that he, the man in the moon is always following me and giving me the light to see through the darkness in my long journey ahead. :)

As for an update on how this weight loss journey for me is going. Many have seen the changes in me, many have questioned the changes in me. My confidence is coming out like wild flowers, I am changing for me and that is what this journey is about. It is also about getting to know myself better, and others around me. Since this weight loss, I have met some great people, some will deffinetly last a life time, becuase I am not letting them go any time soon, and I hope they know that. I am down to 217 pounds from 267 pounds before surgery. I am now a size 16, but could possibly fit into a 14 depending on the brand name or even the pair of jeans. I have never seen a size 14 in my life, and that there to me is a great accomplishment. I think in middle school I went from a size 8 to a size 18 with in 2 months, due to thyroid complications. The last time I saw a size 18 was in 8th grade going into the 9th grade. When I tried Weight Watchers, and Mrs. Donnely who was a 5th grade teacher, weighed me each time I came in. When on Weight Watchers I do remember loosing 20 pounds, going to Shopko buying a size 18 than with in weeks could not wear them, and saying when I got to a size 20 and buying a skirt, which said 22. I told myself that it would only be a matter of time before I could fit into a size 22. I was a Freshmen in High School, and stayed at a size 22 till November of 2008 when I had my surgery. So that would be 9 years since I even seen a size 18, and even a size 20. It’s amazing really so, for those who see such a big change in me remember that was also a time that I was struggeling with myself, and that you have not seen that person in forever, and it is something that you have not seen, even myself in that long of a time. It is great finding out who I have become over the years.  It is amazing that I still have those same hopes and dreams that I see for myself in 5 -10 years.

Change is scary and we all know that, and a few have made me realize that when I feel that way, I can come to them. You know who you are. So, Thank You! :)

Love, ~Lesha

Friends – Thoughts in my itty bitty brain

It seems that the best time I write is late/early morning depending on how you would like to look at it. As I am typing this, my laptop computer is telling me it is 3:32 am on a Tuesday morning, on May 5^th of 2009.

For the past few days, have been hard on me. Saturday especially, so many thoughts ran through my head. I still felt like I was fat, even though I have lost close to 50 pounds, than the thought of me being annoying came to my mind. I feel I annoy quit a lot of people, and sometimes, I just do not know when to stop. I did not feel beautiful that day, I don’t look at myself as beautiful or pretty. I feel average, but I am also my worst critic when it comes to that. I look in the mirror, and I still see that person that is fat. I am very close to a size 16 in jeans, and before surgery I was a size 22, and looking at that makes me realize I really did this. So, Why do I feel this way?

 

I told a friend that I felt this, and well having someone tell me that I am beautiful every so often that he does, I have to get that mind set in me, because I do not see it, and I do not feel it. After he told me, I really did not know what to think. I know he will be around to pick me up quite often, and I hope he knows, I will do the same for him. Lately, with my new best friend, I do not know how much I would have experienced with out him by my side, I have seen some pretty cool things with him thus far. We are very much a like I believe, but yet so very different. We always seem to laugh, every chance we get. Meeting him has brought many different views into my life through another friend of ours, and I hope they both know, I appreciate it.

In a few weeks, I will be moving to a two bedroom apartment, I am hoping this place is home, but lately just coming home to my one bedroom apartment, I feel I no longer belong in this place, I feel it is time for someone else to move in. This apartment I am in now, has many memories, good and bad. I am hoping that moving to this new place will bring many more memories. My one bedroom is no longer home. Sometimes when one major thing changes, another thing has to change, such as moving, so that is what I am doing – moving.

I have been told a few times, by friends, co-workers, and a few family members that they can see the change in me, some feels like it is a drastic change, so much that they feel I am shutting them off from my life. I am not shutting you out of my life, just follow me on my ride, and watch me go and be the person that you knew, I have always wanted to become. I kinda understand who I am now, but I am still learning a whole new side to me. I have never seen my self as Skinny, I have never been skinny, so losing this weight of course is going to change me, you may see more of my personality come out, you may see some interesting pictures, I believe that you have treat others the way you want to be treated. My friends are definitely unique, and I love them because of it, because if they were not unique enough for me, my life would be quite boring. Remember, I needed to change for myself, so this whole personality, know that it has always been there, but instead it was just hiding since I was 10 or 11.

For those who have known me my whole life, do you remember the last time that you have seen me truly happy? Answer that question. I am now finally happy, it has been so long, I can guarantee you that. Something had changed in me when I was younger, and a few can testify to that. I want that person fully back, the person that I lost so long ago, and I am sure those people would love to have that person back, too.

I know I will have many more thoughts about life, but not everyday should be a good day. If you have too many good days eventually, your life is going to come crashing down, and you are going to break into a million of pieces. Life is good, and right now, I am just enjoying it for what it is worth. I have some of the best friends that I could ask for at this time in my life, and with one that I feel so comfortable with, that it kind of…I don’t know what word to look for, it does not scare me or terrify me, it brings me comfort knowing that this person is there, and I wish and hope that this person does not drop me as a friend, I hope and pray that none of my friends drop me as a friend. I hold my friends very close, such as my family, and seeing a friend just walk away, is like losing a loved one, cause I believe your friends are your second family. It’s the family that you know you can fall back on at any time in your life, when you feel life is pushing you back and down to the ground.

At this time in my life, I still need the support, and I still need to be told, I am beautiful, that I am loved, because I realized recently, I still feel some what unloved like I did back when I lived at home and when I was a teen. Maybe its because I was not told I was beautiful that often or because I always wished to be those girls in the magazines, or to just be liked by everyone, but I know not everyone is going to like you in your life, and that trying to hard might turn people off of you. I learned to be quiet growing up in a crowd of people, cause I never knew when I would say something annoying, or stupid, and have people look at me as if I did not know what I was talking about. So, I kept my lips closed, till I was with a group I was comfortable with or when I was with people that I knew really well.

Anyway, I do not know how to end this blog cause I have been writing it for the past hour.

So, I am ending it here. Comment please. I really do appreciate it.

Love, ~Lesha

Who We Are..

I have to remind myself a lot when I hear these lyrics, and its crazy, cause I have said them constantly to myself, to others, and in my blog. I love this movie, and I just happen to find this song today by Hope Partlow “Who We Are”  Enjoy. Alesha

How does one live ones life?…

Before I start this blog, I just want to say if this blog offends anyone, well so be it. This is my opinion, if you do not like it, go read something else. It is that simple.

Recently I had a person come up to me telling me that I should not hang out with my friends that I have been hanging out with. I was told by this person that I should not associate myself with them, too.  I want to put this out there, why, because I am human. I am still shocked that this person still feels that she can still tell me what to do, and how to do it. I am a grown woman, who is very independent, I also live out on my own, so why does she think, and may possibly feel that she has to tell me how to live my life, and who I can and can not hang with. She doesn’t. No one in my life can tell me what to do, who to hang with, and how to live my life.

The friends I have been hanging out with are Gay, they are also Drag Queens. I love them because of who they are. I have tried countless of times trying to explain to this person, that they did not choose to be Gay, they were born Gay, God made them that way. They chose to dress in Drag for Entertainment purposes use only. From what I know from my friends, they do it because its fun, they do not want to be a female.  We straight folks do not need to understand why they do what they do. Because it is none of our business on how they choose to live their life, just like they do not care how we straight people choose to live our lives.  The Gays I know respect us Straight people, because they know first hand on how it is to be discriminated against for who they are.  They are just like us Straight folks, they put one leg in at a time, have regular jobs, they go out and have fun. The only difference is they are attracted to the same sex.

Why is that so hard for some to understand that we have no say on how one lives in ones life? If you met my friends, you would know they are some of the nicest people you will ever meet in your life. The moment I met them, I finally felt that I was not judged. When I am hanging with them and their friends. I am not judged. Every day in this world, we as humans whether you are GLBT, straight or a different nationality, we are judged by how we look, what we eat, who we hang with, by the car we are driving, and plus so many other things.  Judgement is wrong and down right cruel.

My whole life since I can remember I have always been judged till I started hanging with my new found friends. Why because they know how it is also to be judged, because they were born Gay. We humans are like a book, every time you look, you judge that book by that cover, back to front. Before you see a person that looks different than you, acts different than you. Do not judge, becuase maybe that person needs someone like you in their life. Get to know the person if you need to or simply look away.

In this society we were raised by our parents, who were raised by their parents, and so on. We were told by our parents that there is only one way to live in this society, through only a man and woman through marriage and also through the churches. Over the years, most of society or I think most have come to an understanding that there is more than one way to live. Those who were raised, were taught by churches and families that there was only one way to live, do not accept the fact that there is more than one way.  Times have changed. Society is changing. If only we can change the minds of those who think there is only one way to live. Which I am sure it will take some great power to do so.

You choose to live your life the way you want to live it, you fix the mistakes that you make, and no one can fix them for you. We should not always understand what life throws our way. It is not for us as humans to understand the way a person lives their life. The person in my life I feel needs to understand that. She also needs to understand that before you know someone that you should not judge them. Which made me think of something. Growing up I have been told by a few people that I should care what I look like, that I should not care what people think, only what they think.

To me that is almost like contradicting yourself a bit. I care what I look like, I care what they think but I also care what others think, cause I love hearing people’s opinions on certain subjects. But in the end I have been told by the same people that I should not care what they think. Does that make sense to any of you? I mean really, maybe it is because of the way I am now, maybe it is because I am so self concious on how I look, or how I am act. Maybe that is why I have so little self confidence in my self, because these people that I know, love, and care for actually judged me to my face, told me things that one should not hear in their life time. Maybe that is why I care so much and respect those so much who are different than me, who lead a different life style than I do. But those who I have known for so long, do like the fact how one lives, in ones life. Because maybe they did not go through the same judgement that I did when growing up.

My life is changing, and if friends and family can not accept that, than how can you accept me. I am still me, just with more confidence. I am still the sweet, caring girl, that likes to take care of children, that still kinda stares into the mirror to make faces. (<<thats another story). I am not changing for anyone, no one can change me, I am changing for myself. Change happens, and when change happens we have to accept it, whether we like it or not. And Yes, Change is very hard no matter what the circumstances are. But Change is good.

I am excited for Iowa of all places that have passed for Gay marriages. Iowa is a big farming state, and out of all the states, it is Iowa.Which shocks me. The City, that stands for the initials, “Idiots Out Wondering Around.” Well, currently they are far from being idiots give or take a few people that I know that live in Iowa. :) I say that with love (insert sarcasm:)) LOL.   But Really I am excited, because maybe in the future when my friends are ready to settle down, they can get married and move to Iowa or something, because I have a feeling it will be a long time before SD even passes the Gay Marriage.

Anyway, I hope those who read this blog enjoyed it, and I hope to hear your opinions, now I will remind you. I may not like your opinion, but I will accept what you have to say. :)

~Lesha

New Found Friendship

Well, life is sure changing. Lately I have been questioning some things in life for the comments that some people that I know have made to me. It is like they can say something about my life, but once I say something about their life. They get mad at me, but  I can not get mad at them for when they say something to me bout my life, that I may actually take offence to.  I have always said that your life is in your hands, it is up to you to make the right choices for yourself, and that no one can make them for you. You have to live your life the way you want to live, cause if you don’t, than what is the point in living. Friends, Family, and any other person out there can not make the decisions in your life.

For the past few months, I have been hanging out with some great people, that some family members, and a few friends, may think that it is the wrong way to live. Well we have no say in how one lives. We can definitely state our opinion but I can guarantee you that, my friends that I have been hanging out with, will listen yet they will not like it. They don’t tell you how to live, so how can you tell them how to live. It is that simple. There is not one way to live.

Hanging with my new found friends, have definitely made me think of things differently. I know they respect me, it is just that feeling I get when I am with them. It is really weird on how us 4 are so different from each other, but so much a like. In some way, some how we have things in common. Being with them seems to help my confidence a lot, I have one of thee lowest confident levels you will ever meet, and I know the reasons to them, but if you have been reading my blogs long enough or have known me for quite sometime, you already know why that is. I know that my friends see it, and for some reason I feel that one of them is trying help me break that barrier, he may not realize it, but I think he is. Also when I am with them, I just get quiet, and take everything in, since they have known each other longer. I am sure that each of them have wondered why I do get quiet. Sometimes I just do not know what to say or how to jump in on a conversation, cause I feel like I am going to say something dumb or do something stupid. LOL  But most of all I just listen or I go off into my own little world, and just think about things, I seem to be really good at that.

Since I have met them, I do not remember the last time that I actually really laughed. I mean laugh out loud, rolling on the floor with tears in my eyes.  I mean I have laughed but not like this. It feels really weird because I just remembered, now that I think of it. The last time I think I truly laughed would be back in my pre-teens, and early teen years before my whole depression started in my teens. And those who have known me since I was a teen, you know how it was for me.

So, much has changed in my life, that its like I can finally breath a little. I know once I go on this trip that me and my friends are planning, is going to change me. I know I am going to experience things, that I am going to analyze, think about, learn about – to just be in this place and to see all the different culture in one place is going to be enough for me. I feel I have not experienced what most or even many have.

I am running with my life, and I am bringing everyone for the run. They are trying to catch up to me. I always want to learn something that I am not used to, such as I have with my new friends. Never in a million years did I know that I would be friends with Drag Queens. I have always found that Drag Queens are very fascinating. The way they hold themselves, and the way they make something into art. I think is pretty damn cool.  I love my Ms. Ashley Cole and Ms. Jordyn Lynn Cole, for some reason they have taken me under their wing, to which in an odd sense I feel protected, and same with Duchess, too. 

It seems in this blog and the last blog I have been talking of my new found friends.  They are great people, and I wish more people could see what they see in me. I feel like I finally belong. And it has been forever since I have felt that way. It truly is an amazing feeling.

I love that my confidence is showing a little bit more each and every time I am with them, or with anyone for that matter. I lost myself back when I was 10 or 11, but myself is now back or slowly becoming back to what I remember it to be.

Thank You! Sparky Sycamore, Coco Scenic, & Duchess Paisley. :)

~ Lesha aka Lady Roze