Determination and Motivation

Having negative people in your life will bring you down. Don’t let

This Journey has ended, but a New One has just Began

Some often say, “We are our worse critiques.” I would 100% agree. I know how often I get down on myself about certain things or something that happened many years ago and I berate myself over and over.

This past year, more specifically since August of last year, I started noticing things about myself…things that I never got over. It is a healing process…a process that has taken some insight on standing back and looking in on my life from an outside view. How strange it was to do that, putting yourself into that position. Which I seem to do at least once a year, more like a reflection on my life and looking back on things that have happened. But this was a time in my life where not only did I have to look from an outsider’s perspective, I had to look deep within myself. I have to thank a friend for helping me, she stepped in when no one really knew what was going on. But she saw something in me and she gave me the push that I needed. Thank You! You know who you are.

I feel there are certain things that I will always constantly struggle with, which just makes me human. Everyone has their own insecurities, because no one is perfect. We all as humans have our own flaws. Some people just like to point them out to you, when you already know it is true. Yet, the hardest thing to do is to accept those flaws. I have learned that when you accept those insecurities…you are accepting yourself as a whole. To Love Yourself, You have to Accept All of You!

It has taken me a while to get where I am today, a lot of strength, prayers and wrong turn’s; have helped me understand myself. There have been some people in my life over the last few years by just either being an acquaintance or just a one-time chance of meeting each other, that some of their words have stayed with me. A few of them have said, “You give off this glow.” “I never really knew that about you. You always seem so out of reach.” “You’re going to make a name for yourself, I can see that…something about you is just so different.” “You like being unique?” I know that I am different…very different. I am definitely one of those individuals, where people just stop and often have to take a double look. I sometimes feed off my unique weird individualism that I am; which is a great way to describe myself.

My weight has always been an issue well since the 6^th grade, when your body is changing, and when kids were just cruel. What they didn’t know was that same year I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis) and Sport Asthma. I had no metabolism, when most kids had enough energy to run around…I had none. My outlet was listening to music (Backstreet Boys). What some probably don’t know, is that what I was struggling with on the inside, I was bottling and putting those emotions into music and writing; when people really thought I was obsessed with the band, I was merely just doing something that I felt right at the time. They were the ones that kept me from doing something drastic…their music is what kept me going.

So, this last year when I was going through things that I never got over…I would turn on the radio and it would be their (Backstreet Boys) voices that I would hear, often hearing them on my supper break at work, or very early morning while in my vehicle. But it would always be at a time that I needed to hear them the most. I remember back when I started working at the current job that I am at right now. The last thing I remember doing, when I got the fateful call, was putting paint brushes away, and talking to my department manager on how I just wanted to do something with my life that would make a difference. That not just by getting out of this city, but also the store in general. I was leaving for the day, when I got the call and I remember just saying, “I accept!” As this was all playing out, the song that came over the speakers was none other than The Backstreet Boys, “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.” Weeks before while working, was when I decided that I needed to look for a new job; the song playing over the speakers, “Quit Playing Games.”  Till this day, they still ‘follow’ me when I am feeling my lowest and I just need that ‘pick-me-up.’ It is not just them, it is music in general.

I have this interesting perspective on my life and how I think it will play out; often I am wrong. Yet, there is this feeling inside myself that I just cannot put my finger on. It is an energy that I have never felt before, it’s as if it is pushing me forward on to the next best thing in my life. It is that step that will maybe show me the “greatness” that I have become. On one of the many social networking sites that I am on, I have this heading, “Growing into a person I never knew I could be.” To finally accept myself as I am, after so many years of just struggling, and trying to find a place in this world. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of; I know where I stand for myself. I know that I will achieve what I have set out into the world. I also know where I belong, it may not be here in my current state but where ever ‘it’ takes me…let’s just say, I now know my calling.

This Journey has ended, but a New One has just Began; so just try to stop me.

<3 Lesha

Circle

What do you do when you know not everything is okay? You have this feeling of standing in this circle, you’re looking around you notice that no one is standing around this circle, you see that you are all alone and you notice – you have no one to turn to.

This feeling of loneness is something you thought you would never feel, see, or even imagined. But it’s there…it is really there.  You feel the loneliness more at night than you do during the day. During the day you go about your everyday business, but the loneliness is just not as strong. That is when you wear the mask often wondering if you people really notice what you constantly struggle with.  You see people walk by with happy faces laughing, you see couples being sweet, and kid’s playing kickball and wonder; are they feeling the same. Then you look at your life and you know – you are nowhere near the happiness they are at that moment.

Every so often you step out of that circle, you feel the liveliness that you want to hold onto as long as you can – but you know deep down, the moment you come home, that feeling is back that home is just a place to live – that ‘it’ is not home.  ‘It’ is always there, you always come back to that circle, that known feeling of comfort, but when it is not the comfort that you want, it is just the knowing that the moment you walk through your door, putting your keys on the table, purse on the floor, turning on the lights, breathing telling yourself it will get better. You know you are alone it’s the silence that confirms it. Back at this circle every so often you see a few people sneak their head in, sometimes many come and go; other times many of them just leave. A few stand outside and they just watch wondering how crazy you must be, how they cannot understand you, when most of the time you don’t understand yourself that you don’t know who you are. You get told how funny you are, how smart you are, caring, loving, friendly, nice smile, and so on. But who am I really?

You feel the only way to break free from this ‘circle’ is to get up, do something, to feel motivated, to feeling good about oneself – yet the worse of it all is when you don’t have that support, that love. The feeling of unworthiness, “You’re not good enough.” “Stop Eating!” “There she is eating again.” “Have you had enough?” “That doesn’t look good on you.” “You’re Fat!” “Lose weight.” “Don’t get too skinny!” “I’ll have you run along the side of my car and shove fruit down your throat!” “We have nothing in common, you’re a girl – he and I have more in common because we are guys.” “Stop Singing, You suck!” “Shut up!” “I hate you; I wish I could just punch you.” “I don’t listen to you; I tend to block you out.” (Them)

“Leave Me Alone, Stop Yelling at me! Give me a Break! Just listen to me!”

You can only take and hear so much when growing up, before words come back to haunt you, when they are constantly in the back of your mind. But when you mentioned to some, you try to get them to understand why you don’t feel loved. That is why!

You know you are not depressed, you are just alone. The hurt, the bullying, the torments, the feminine products thrown all over the middle school vocal room, spit wades to the back of your head, the name calling from ‘Fatty’ to “I wish I could shove you under a bus,” to letting all the air out of two of your tires, the condom in your Ford Tempo Gas Tank, to threatening me that they wanted to kill me.

Yet you look back you see how far you have come from all the emotional abuse, bullying, and you wonder often for those who feel like they can no longer hold on, that they don’t have enough strength to get through. You Do!

You don’t get to choose your family, but you get to choose your friends. I made it Through! I forgive these people who did this to me. I am a product of a person who bullied me. Who put me down; in return They gave Me Strength to move on. To be the best I can be! To fight for what I want to be! Who I am made to be, who I Strive to be!

Suicide is never the answer and I thought of it plenty in middle school. There are far too many suicides for those who are the victim of bullying because they are different. In the back of my mind I know I am sent here to motivate people, to show people that even though words hurt. You can still prove that you are better than they ever will be.

Life gets better. You will get better, it may take years but you will get better. Have hope keep your faith in God. Stand up for yourself, show them that whatever they do, that you will Not back down, because you a stronger than that.

If you have friends like this they are not your friends to begin with, they don’t know you as a person. Keep your spirit Alive by finding something you are passionate about that you are great at. A bully hates when the victim succeeds, because they know they have lost.

To the bullies, whatever happened in your home life or the person who was doing the same to you, I hope you are stronger for it, that you realize what you did to me and the mistakes you did to others, because you know that you are worthy to of someone loving you for you.

Some say that those who are doing the bullying are just wanting attention because no one is paying attention to them, so for them to get noticed they have to do something drastic. Was that the case for those who bullied me, I think for a few; yes.

To everyone who reads this; I am fine. I am working on a lot of these to get past the hurt that I have bottled for years that I never spoke about, there are very few who know what happened back in Middle School. In High School, I kept to myself, I never felt ‘liked’ in my school but I knew many in different ‘clicks’ that I spoke with that I got a long with. In high school I survived, I was just living day to day. My outlet was working (sometimes depending on manager working); because I knew I could be myself.

I don’t get why I was teased, why I was bullied, or why people just did not like me. But for whatever apparent of reason a part of me feels that I should ‘Thank’ them because I am stronger for what they did. That they taught me to keep on going, even when it gets tough, just to keep treading that water, and that I need to remind myself that I need to motivate myself to taking small steps, that if I keep doing it that I will be great at what I do, at what I am made to be. I’ve been told that I motivate many people every day, by the customers that I talk to, the people that I run into; if I can motivate at least one person a day, than I should be able to motivate myself into working out, to become healthy, to see a first time ever skinny version of myself.  My goal is to lose at least 5-10 pounds a month, all I need to do, is go to a trainer at my gym to see if they will help me along the way, to be my advocate, to push me, to tell me that when it gets too hard in working out then they are right there, that they are just a phone call away, kind of like a Mentor. For when I go to my class reunion I really want people to be surprise, to say, “Who is that?” That is what I wish, besides the normal girl dreams, a family to call her own, a husband to call her best friend, kids to protect, a dog to take for a walk.  I have come far, and that above what I have written, this is what a victim became who stayed strong because of a bully.

Love <3 Alesha

Love is …

Love is what I wish

what I dream

what I hope

who I love

who I cherish

Who is apart of me 

Love should be the person 

who is my better half

teaching me to love

strongly, faithfully, truthfully

and giving each other

what we both need

Love is unconditional, breathtaking, 

kisses, and ‘I love you.’

Love is more than just words

it’s the touches, the surprised

gifts, the little thing that one does.

Love is precious, with side smiles,

whispers in the ear, nuzzles

on the cheek, sweet nothings.

Love is holding me when I want

to be held, to rub my feet, to take

care of me, and vice versa.

Love is not a competition.

Love is what I feel for you

the one who is, and forever in my

heart. 

Love is me loving you.

I wrote this little ‘diddy’ late Wednesday night. Not sure why I felt compelled to write about love, maybe it is what I am missing in my life, to one day give my love to someone. Maybe I was just tired. But what ever it is or was. I like it. I really like the part, “Love is not a competition,” because it is not, and I think that is also one of the reasons that some couples don’t last cause everything has to be made into a competition with some people.

Hope you enjoyed it, since the last time I blogged was in January.

You know what to do, Comments are Loved.

~Lesha

 Please take a look at the link below of a Great Cover, Love this Song! :)

Euphoria – cover

2011: What a Year!

What a Year! It has been May of 2011 since I have lost blogged. I really do not know what to say. But this past year has taught me a few things about my life. I am Strong, and to Hell with the people who think they are “Hot Shots” (Get over yourself). Because let me tell you something: Life is not all Sunshine, and Roses. Life sucks, and if you cannot pick up yourself up off the floor (than lay there), but you have to get back up, dust yourself off, and try again! I am tired of people, tired of the bullshit that people like to pull. This blog is about Friends, and Goals.

Friends:  In previous blogs, I have always talked about, how I feel like I was never really “Liked.” I also find myself that I talk about it A Lot! Well, I am going to control myself from saying that, because it does not matter now, that was years ago, and if people do not like me, than they are not worth my time. I have been constantly told by people that I am one of the sweetest people that they have met.  Whether if they have met me once or those who have known me for 21 years (childhood friends). I once told a friend years ago, that friends come, and go, that’s life. It is not something that we can control. We either grow up or grow apart because Life wants to take us to where we feel that we need to go. I know who my true friends are now, I also know that new friends will come into my life, which has taught me a few things, is to not always believe what someone says to you, and to not trust them right away. But it has taught me to at least give them a chance, at arm’s length. If they cannot accept the fact that I am sometimes loud, maybe a little reserved, or just being my weird self, then it is fine by me, for I like that I am a little(a lot) quirky. I feel that not many know who I truly am, because I am constantly changing. I actually like change, even though it scares me like no other. But if it is for the right reason, Bring on the Change! I know who my true friends, because true friends do not stab one another in the back. Friends actually listen to you, not ignore you. This past year about “Friends” has taught me a lot. It does not matter whether if you have 1 close friend to 10+ close friends. What does matter is that you know who you are, what you stand for as a person. And if your so called “true friends” cannot accept you the way you are, how you act, what you do, how you live your life, than they are not your friends to begin with. If they tell you how to act or if you are just following along with what they are doing, and you are not satisfied. Than it is time to stop. For if you are not happy with yourself, the situation, and the people you are hanging with, well than it is time to look elsewhere. Whether if it be at a new job, going to school, or even moving back home to get your life back on track, you have to do what you feel is right and comfortable for yourself. Last but certainly not least: You Do Not change for anyone, You Change for yourself! This includes Friends, Family, and Partners. Yet, when you are a Unit (2 people in a relationship). You change together, keep the communication open, are honest with one another, trust each other, and Love each other.  If you cannot have one of those in a relationship, I firmly believe that the relationship will not work out.

Goals:  I have many. There I said it, some call me crazy, for I have so many. Many of them are also dreams. I dream of to be a Mother, a Wife, one day a Grandmother, a Career Woman, a Friend to my future Kids, a Loving Stable Home Life for my future Children. Are some of those too much to ask? But my Goals for right now are to get back on track on this train aka “The Journey” of life, of Health, and Fitness. To start believing in myself again, that I really can do this. I can become Healthy again, and to start my Journey of going to School for Graphic Communications/Graphic Design with an Emphasis/Minor in Production. I have always felt that I am never smart enough. But I have realized something about myself, when I dream about it, and put it out in the world, wish for it, pray for it, and start believing in myself more. Then I know I can do anything, along with the support of Family, and Friends. I do not set New Year’s Resolutions, I set Goals for myself. If I do not make the Goal, well I am going to keep on trying, because that is what I have always done in life, and it has helped me this far, and it for sure has made me stronger. This past year, I found my true strength in life I knew how it was/is to struggle each month. But with the support of my Mom, and my friends listening to me, I got through it, and I came out on top better than I have been in a long time. Another Goal of mine for this year is to get out of debt. The only debt I planned to have this year is by going school, to further my education, in hopes that it brings me where I need to be: A Career Woman – A Dream Goal.

As for 2012, I hope you are nice to me this year. I have been told by a few people that this is my year, and I am going to personally show you that. Watch me, for I am not giving up anytime soon. I cannot afford to give up for what I have already worked so hard for.

My question for all of you, what do you think of me starting a personal Video Blog every day, and posting it to YouTube, about my weight loss? To me it would be like a Video Diary that I can look back on at the end of each month or a year from now. Let me know.

This ends the blog, I have been reading past blogs that I have written, and I really truly can tell, that I have already come along way. If your heart desires, read till your heart is content.

~Lesha “McGee” “Peaches”

Please listen below of my New Favorite song. Definitely my Anthem for 2012!

“Arms” by Christina Perri

~Lesha

Motivation!!

Hello Readers,

I know that it has been a while since I have posted anything. Kind of want to give you an update on what has been going on. Currently(well not at this moment) I have been working out with my Chiropractor, today we had touched base on my range of motion which I am guessing is average for someone like me who rarely stretches, and exercises as of late. I am the first to tell you, that I have been slacking, I have ‘fallen off the wagon,’ as some say. I guess I just need to get ‘back on the horse,’ so to speak. I am writing this blog, because I am begging for some Motivation, and Encouragement. When I first started this Journey on Weight Loss, I thought I would be at the goal I set for myself by this time, and I am not. I am disappointed in myself. The past two years have been a struggle for me, and I lost that motivation due to stress; But Thank God, I have yet to Pity myself about it, and I do not want to because that is not who I am. I do not sit here and say, ‘Oh, poor me.’

Some of you also know that I have a YouTube account, and a shock to a few. I have not posted in two years on my YouTube account, but I am going to delete the videos, cause they just make me sick looking at them. I am going to Try(saying that strongly) to post one video blog once a week, no matter what it is. Whether it is me being profound, Ditzy, and boring or even weird.  I was going to have this blog on how my blog makes me so “Mysterious,” for the fact my blog is known as “Mysterious Writer,” and well I have been told by a someone actually famous person, (I will have to find the comment, that he replied to), that I am Mysterious. ;)  So, that will be my next “Blog & Vlog” to come, on “Mysterious” people actually think of me as. Is it okay to leave some things to the imagination? I will have to agree.

~Lesha

“What I want to do, is not who I want to be.”

                I have always felt that I was different, and I am. I have always liked that about myself. But the thing is I feel I am so different, that it feels like I do not belong. I always feel so out of place with everything I do. For example, when I am walking through the mall, I feel that I am this big fish in a small pond. Growing up I had counselors tell me that I am going to be known for something, people are going to know about me. I have so many dreams, goals, and things that I want to do with my life. Yet, it seems whenever I speak about these goals, I get the role of the eye, the sigh, and that you-can’t-be-serious look; and every single time it gets taken down.

                Growing up, I would constantly hear “Gawd, Alesha you’re Stupid.” Maybe that was why I felt like I was stupid, and still feel like it sometimes, too. I was not a great student throughout all of school; I was average, D-C Student, sometimes with a few A’s, and B’s. Part of me feels like, I was not well liked in school, and to come to think of it. I know some did not like me, and I can name names. I do not understand why it is so hard to get to know someone, to treat them with the respect they deserve or treat them the way you want to be treated. Life is not perfect, far from it, everyone has their issues, and everyone is going to screw up. I feel that people are just waiting for me to quit at anything that I put my mind to, that I am not going to amount myself to anything. I think people see me as: weird, considerate, funny, stupid, passionate, loyal, and I am sure there are many more. But for once I want someone to look past my exterior, and to actually listen to me. I know when someone tunes me out, people constantly told me to be quiet, and some have said that they were not listening to me. Sometimes I can just ramble on, and I used to tell people, “If I get to be too much, and I am still talking and you want to talk, just tell me to be quiet, because I can get a head of myself sometime.” To which I still can.

                I am sure, that some of the people I went to High School with, can tell you stories, how I came to class every day with some sort of story from the water heater breaking down, or a dude I saw at work, and having most of the people surrounding me laughing; or I would sing in Civics class, and most would tune it out, others would laugh, and one would be really annoyed. That was school; I kind of knew where I stood in school. I was not popular, I did not go out to the parties not just because I was not invited, I think it was because they already knew that it was just not my type of thing, and also cause my mom would have said no, anyway.  I know that everyone knew who I was in school though; I did get along with almost just about everyone.

                As I am sitting here typing this, I just wonder why it feels as if everyone else is so far advanced in life with their careers, and a family, to which I have none. In my life I do not want to be define for what I do, but for whom I am, and who I wanted to be.  Just like a recent quote that I put on my white board recently, “What I want to do, is not who I want to be.” Does that make sense to anyone? When I look at the words, it makes me stop, and think.  It shows that currently right what I am doing now in my life, is not what I want to do, and I definitely know that it is not who I want to be. Which is a good thing, right? I believe that everyone has a path, some know that path way before others do.  I am not sure what my path will be, but I have got the feeling that it will be a great one, even though it is going to be a struggle. Yet, as some say, “Life is never easy. There is always going to be hardships in one’s life.”  I was told two friends the other day that I feel lost, and stuck. I know that when in life when you feel stuck, that means you are right where you need to be.  For me to break out of that hold, that chain that seems to be attached to me, that I need to make a jump into something else, and that is to move away from this place that does not feel like home. That does not feel like me, I want to feel like I belong, and I have never felt that every since I can remember, and that is sad. I think people should feel like they belong in some form when they are out, and about, family functions, holiday get-together’s, you name they should feel like they fit in, I should feel like I fit in. But I don’t, kind of sucks, if I say so myself.

                I am tired, frustrated, and stressed with life because of so many things going on right now, and constantly worrying about how I am going to make it, with where I live at now. I am tired of people taking advantage of me, and using me. I sometimes feel like I have a sign on my back that says, “Play with me, Use me, Kick Me, and Put me down.”  That is how it has always been, and I want things to change, and to do that is to move, by moving, I mean far from where I live now. I remember one point in my child hood, I was probably 11 yrs old, and I remember lying on the floor playing with a puppy that someone had brought over to visit. My mom, and the visitor were talking about a movie, I think it was “The Prodigal Child,” and I spoke up saying that I am going to be that child. I still feel that way, too.  My passion though is Writing, which does not make sense, because I am the worse person to actually complete a sentence, many happen to be run-ons, and sometimes what I read; I do not comprehend what I read right way, so I usually have to read it five times before I understand. 

       But, anyway, this whole blog is to show you that. I am just tired of how things in my life are going, and that I am sick of being in the Midwest. I feel there is nothing here for me besides that fact that I have friends and family here, but I also have friends in California, and Georgia; two of the places that I would love to live at.

~ Lesha

Frustrated.. UGH!!!

I am frustrated…Frustrated with life, with people using me, and some people in general. It is like I cannot catch a break for once.  Like today for example, it just literally put me in a bad mood. I know today 2/20, that it is snowing, sleeting, and all around the weather is just crappy. I was stuck, my tires could not catch a grip, I was on an icy patch, and 5 people were behind me, 4 trucks, and 1 mini-van. I had trouble, sliding everywhere , and out of those 5 people, guess who helped me after 5 minutes, of struggling, the mini-van. Every single person was a male with 4-wheel drives, except the mini-van. I am sure they were thinking, “Come on lady get a move on.” I just wanted to give them the finger. So, I sat there, screamed a few choice words, than I felt the gentlemen in the mini-van pushing my car. I wanted to get out of my car, to thank him, but did not want to chance in getting stuck, so I honked my horn, put my window down, yelled Thanks, and gave him a wave. It’s people like him that, we need more of instead of these “Jerks” thinking they can get through anything because they have a 4 wheel drive.  I am sorry I am a Women driver, but come on. Depending on how you look at Karma, it can be a good thing, I hope that guy who helped, gets some Great Karma back to him, I pray for good Karma for him. As for the others, you get what you deserve.

Okay, so I am upset – frustrated. I have a right to be. These past 2 years have just not been great, it is like each time I take that step to try to get anywhere something happens, and I have to watch where I go. I believe in Karma, and I have been told/believe in that this is my year, that God knows that I am struggling, have been for awhile, that he is going to help with that. When I said those few choice words, and prayed to him, that guy in the Mini-Van, started to push my car. I literally had tears in my eyes, because I feel I am sometimes not heard.  I am not saying, I am not heard by God himself, I know he always hears what I have to say.

I just want a break; I want to get away from the Dakotas. I need a vacation, I need to rethink, re-plan, and get back into that right frame of mind again, on getting healthy, on trying to be a better me, and to find something to define myself, just a bit little more.  I love writing, but each time I mention something that I want to do, it gets shot down, and people think I am nuts. It feels like there is know, “You can do this, Lesha!” Kind of feels like, whatever I put out there, sharing my hopes, and dreams. I get that seriously-you’ve-got-to-be-kidding look. Whatever I do it gets shot down, by some of the people that I care about. It feels like they do not believe in what I want to do.

I know life is not what we expect it to be, and that we should not expect much, that things in life are just not handed to us on a silver platter, and that we have to work hard for what we want. I believe not 1 outcome is ever the same, and that there is more than 1 way to get where you need to be. It is all about trial and error. Well I feel that this Trial & Error, I have used plenty of times, and it is not working. I am trying to stay sane, to not lose my cool, to not give up hope, and to just be. I am tired of just feeling stuck, and I am tired of the repetitiveness in my life. It is boring; there is no fun, and excitement.  

My Doctors, have no clue where my Migraines are coming from, but they happen for 2 days every month right around the time the bills are due. They are thinking it is stress, I am thinking they are right. They say Stress can cause so many health issues, like all the ones I have, mainly Thyroid, no weight loss, sleepless nights, Migraines, no motivation, and ect…

And so I hope, that this little pity party I just through myself, goes away fast. Basically, I am stating is that: I am Just Tired. Tired of all the BS. Tired of all the people that have used me, kicked me around like I am a rock, and it is getting old real quick. For once I would love for someone to just lift the weight off my shoulders, and carry it around for awhile, and have them feel what it is like to be for once. 

I know I do not have a hard life, and many would think my life is easy. But it is the words that I hear, that seemed to not be going anywhere, and that have always been there since I can remember.

Okay, so ending this blog, because well – I can, I want to, and just because I just got this off of my chest, because I feel when I speak it- No one listens, anyway.

Lesh

So Long 2010!

            I never really know where to begin. I know it has been awhile since I have written or typed (whatever you would like to call it) a blog, in well over a month. A lot has happened this year. I have learned a lot, I have learned that when friends, family, or even other people make a promise, to still not expect that promise to become a reality, and if it does, still do not expect anything. Life should be about surprises, and so far this year has definitely been a surprise, and one the hardest years that I have had in a long, long time.

            I am not sure what 2011 will bring me, but I hope it brings me new insight to things in life, I hope 2011 can define just a little bit more of myself. I hope that whichever comes out about in this messed up situation that is currently going on, will get better, that things will turn around for the better.

            This year in 2010, I have constantly been told that I am sweet, nice, gorgeous, funny, and all around good person. My questions this year are possibly some of the most frequent ask questions about life or about one self, a few would be: ‘If I am such a nice person, why does it feel that I am being used?’ ‘Why does life always throw me curve balls?’ ‘Why do some think, that everything revolves around them?’ ‘When is it my turn . . . ?’

            Everyone has heard the saying, ‘Some of Life questions’ are the hardest life questions, and also the most unanswered questions.’  Or something along those lines, I feel that the life questions that we face, and ask ourselves every day or as often as we can. That there are many answers to those life questions and every single answer is different, because not every one’s life is the same.  

            Trust is one the big things that I have this year, people who I thought I could count on basically put into positions that I have never been in, and is the hardest to get out of. I have always wanted people in my life that I can trust, and the moment that I feel I can trust them, it back fires. I know there are about a handful of people I can trust, and for that I am grateful because without them, I have no clue on where I will be. Yet, I am Thankful for so much this year, even though it may not sound like it . . . I am.

            My goal for 2011, is to get back on track, to let life just lead, and to let things happen, even things that I have no control over, to become healthy again, to learn a new way of relieving stress, to be more in the moment with things, because before we know it we may get sideswiped and really lose track on what is most important.   I have always said, ‘that you have to choose to be happy,’ and I think I lost that a bit.  There is no reason, besides life just gets crazy, but for me that is a lame excuse. I am content currently in my life, with unwanted stress, that I wish would magically disappear.

            I have learned this year, not everything is going to go the way I expect or wish for them to go. I know there is a plan out there for me, and that plan I know will define a big part of who I am as a person. I have so many dreams, and hopes for the future. I plan on going to college, sometime in the fall of 2011 or beginning of 2012, I feel I need something to fall back on things. Now I just have to decide what I would like to do:  Account Management with a minor in Marketing,  Graphic Communications with a minor in Marketing & Advertising.

            So, as the end of my year of 2010…I hope 2011 will be a lot better, happier, and less stress as much as possible. But currently is not starting out that way. Cross your fingers, and pray for the best.

            As, a lady told me today, “this too shall pass.” I hope this lady has a very happy, who was told that she will not see the day of her 49th Birthday, and she just turned 49, 3 days ago, and they gave her another 2-3 years to live. I hope, and pray for the best for her. I hope she continues with the humor that she has in life.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Years!

~ Lesha

“Never is one thing in life, ever the same.”

                Some say, that ‘Change is Inevitable.’ Change, I believe is one of the hardest things to except, in someone’s life, whether your own, mine or anyone else’s. Sometimes you have no idea, when it will begin, when it will end, and when it will start. My life is all about change; it is even hard for me to accept change. Yet, I seem to fall into a pattern once change happens.  I do not know where life is headed, and that scares me quite a bit, because I feel everyone is farther in life than I am at the point of who I am. Some are married, some have kids, and some even have all of that, plus a career.

                I always wonder when it will be my time. When will that guy come in, and sweep me off my feet and when will my career begin? I will never know, but I hope it is soon.

                In a past blog, back in January of 2009, I wrote about a dream where there was a frog that had landed on my leg. Since that dream, I have come across many frogs, whether they were by the door to my apartment, my mom’s place, a park, or even a store; when something was majorly changing. In January of 2009, I met a few people that I know longer call friends, the moment I cut them out of my life, I found myself Happier, I found myself somewhat Less Stressed, and I found a frog on the top of my tire wheel, even though it was a toy, left by one of the apartment kids. When I moved in with my mom, there was a frog at her back door one night, and just recently this past week, there was a frog by the front door.  I have looked up frogs, and the meaning behind them. Many sites have explained that it is a Japanese, Good Luck charm when you see a frog, and when having a frog that faces the door, it is to bring happiness into your home.

                What ever has happened in life, I find myself struggling with a few things as I get older. I also find myself going back to when I was just a teen, and how I had felt, and how some of those feelings are still there. I continue to ask myself, “What the hell am I doing?” Why does something so little make me so upset, and why do I feel like people are not hearing a word that I am saying? These are just some constant questions that I have. Moving on is one of the hardest things that I have done, and have to do.

                Growing up, there was not much change but as I got older into my 20’s, I still have those constant wonders of:

Do people like me?

How do people know who I am?

Why do I walk in the mall, and where I get recognized for some strange reason from all sorts of people, I find them staring?

Why do totally strangers come up to me?

What am I famous for?

Why do people have to judge me just because of the way I look, and how I act? 

Why do I feel I am the dumbest person in all of the people I know, and in a crowd?

Why do I feel that people dislike me?

Why do I feel that I was not well liked in school?

I am sure many of you out there have had maybe similar questions. I see people around, and I see how their lives are, but I often wonder are their lives truly that happy. That I do not know everything is always different behind closed doors. I am growing up trying to find who I am as a person, and trying to remind myself that when I ask these questions about life changes, that I am right where I need to be.

Life is changing, and so far for the past couples days I have had this strange feeling come over me when I leave my current place, that I just recently moved into with a friend. Now every so often, I get feelings where something good is going to happen, and this is one of those feelings – kind of. I really do not know how to explain it, ever since I have seen that frog by my mom’s front door. I feel something is going to happen, I just do not know what, and it is driving me a little nuts. Since these feelings have started, this blog has appeared in my head, and it was telling me to write it, to just go for it.

So, here I am.  Where do I begin? Where do I start? Currently there is a detour in this ever changing life that I lead. Do I go right? Left? Because what I see straight ahead is just a never ending battle of questions that leads me back to my past. It is time to move on, so I think I will go right, because that is how I get out of my desk chair, If I go left, I walk into a wall – which is never a good thing. Basically I am going to start days off with just one foot in front of the other, and take one step at a time.

Yet, the saying is true, “Change is Inevitable.”

“Never is one thing in life, ever the same.” Alesha Hackett 9/4/10  – I should copyright that, Google is not pulling it up. :)